It's been 2 weeks since my mother passed away. She was my best friend and although I wasn't her FT caregiver until recently, the adjustment has hit me hard. I began grief counceling, twice a week for now, and requested a leave from work for a while. I know my grief will lessen, however I feel so lost. My sleep is getting better, however it still leaves me exhausted. I make sure I walk every morning, seek out people to talk to and try to devote a portion of the day grieving and not the entire day. I watch tv, laugh and make sure I'm eating regurly. Yet I am still so lost. Can anyone share their stories and reassure me it will get better? I am feeling guilt for taking time off work and wondering if it might have been a good distraction, however I know I have to let myself work through this. My mom is at peace and no longer suffering and I am so grateful for that. I know that the grief will continue to lessen, and it has a bit over the last week, I'm just looking for words of encouragment. Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings.
I felt better knowing she was reunited with her brother who she loved very much, and who passed 8 years earlier. Also, 2 of the places she was unfortunately at, closed down permanently last year, ironically within 2 months of each other.'
Prayers and Blessings to You.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Getting exercise, eating right, going to grief counseling. I think now all you need is time. It's cliche but time does heal most wounds. You'll still probably have days where you hear a song, smell something that reminds you of your mom and it will sting but I've found that now I almost look forward to those moments cause it feels like she's with me when that happens. Sounds weird but if I go too long without thinking about her I want these things to happen.
You'll get there. Give yourself time. There's no schedule to grief. It's personal to everybody.
You had a very mature and selfless way of looking at losing your mom - you never wanted her to suffer and her suffering always became yours because you loved her greatly. I do believe that helped carry you through.
You're so right about days when you hear a song, smell a certain aroma that will remind you of your mom.
Nothing sounds weird when it's something that bring you comfort and to feel their presence once again.
You have my deepest sympathy in the loss of your mother and I know how difficult this is for you. Rest assured, "nothing lasts forever - this too shall pass" including the grief.
I applaud you for what you are doing - trying to get a good night sleep, walking every morning, seeking out people to talk to, eating regularly and trying to find something to laugh at. Many, many people can't even attempt those things while lost in their grief. Try not to feel guilty about taking time off work as most companies have a bereavement policy for a reason. Would it have been a distraction? Maybe, but at what cost? Would mistakes be made, would someone say something that triggers you? Who knows.
You said the grief has lessened a bit over the last week and that you are trying to devote a part of your day to grieving which is great. But, please be prepared that it can come and go like the wind. There will be times it will hit you harder than others - it's completely normal. Also, it's great that you began grief counseling twice a week. You've done so much for yourself already in such a short period of time. Try to remember too that it isn't something to try and "get over" as much as trying to find healthy ways to integrate it into your life. You have a year of "firsts" to go through with holidays and birthdays. Try and make it special as you will only go through the year of "firsts" once. If you like writing, maybe make a journal in a pretty book which is what I did. If you like scrapbooking, make a little memory book. Both of those can be cathartic.
Your mom was your best friend and for those who have had a good, loving relationship with their mom there's nothing better. Embrace that as there are also so many who did not have that type of relationship with their moms.
The part you seem to be struggling with the most is the feeling of being "lost."
I'm very close to my 95 year old mother and I know my turn is coming as she is under hospice care. I've already had the anticipatory grief at least half a dozen times since April. As an only child (although she had a daughter from her first marriage but, she passed away at the age of 60 in 2007), she said it's "You and me against the world." I never forgot that and there is a song by Helen Reddy with that exact title. Tough to listen to.
When I lost my dad in 2004, I felt detached from the world which is like being lost. Time stood still while life was still rushing by me so I understand feeling "lost" especially when people began to shun me as if my dad's death would bring death to their family. Certain people who I had known for a long time didn't even come to his funeral which added to feeling "alone." Yes, I had my husband and my mom but, they were handling it more within themselves. Have you ever heard when people say they can be in a crowded room and yet still feel alone? That's what it was like.
I promise you - you will come to a place of acceptance and you will move forward. Keep doing what you're doing!
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
I'm sure you did feel like you lost your mom twice and I'm so sorry you have now lost your dad.
In a book I've read "Losing a Parent," I remember it saying when you lose the second parent it's like you've become an orphan. It sounds like what you experienced when you said "the last person who knew me from my start is gone."
You are fortunate that your dad was "very ready to go, got to leave this world just as he wanted" and that it brought you much peace.
The hardest part I think is living in the reality of the day and then going to sleep unaware and waking up to the painful reality again - like being jolted out of a terrible dream.
I wish you much peace and comfort too as you go through your own grieving process.
At around that time I began to have dreams about meeting my father in a beautiful park. He was standing near a fine strong tree, and everything was EXACTLY as it had been between us except that he didn’t talk to ,e.
Some time after having the dream, I realized that it was a metaphor that described what was happening in my time- he was SO CLOSE to me in that park, but we were separated, he was there, in that place of peace and beauty, and I was here.
After that realization I came to notice ongoing incidents in which he was so near me. Something lost would be inexplicably found, someone from his past would appear.......my mom lived for almost 25 years after he died. On the day she died, I sat beside her holding her hand, and realized so strongly, that he was there, standing in the doorway behind me, wearing his tweed suit.
With the strong sense that she would soon be leaving with him to go Home, I left her. A little after midnight I got the call that she was gone.
Although I have deep faith in the ongoing life of the Spirit, I am definitely NOT a fanciful person, but the presence of those who have gone on are as certain to me as anything in my current life.
Be at Peace. Your mother will want you to realize that all is well, and that she continues to hold you close to her.
When my dad died, he was my first death and even though we weren't extremely close when I was growing up somehow it changed when I got married.
My dad felt my husband's friendship and unconditional love for him that he had never experienced before and I know changed him in the last 7 years of his life.
My one-on-one hospice bereavement counselor said she thought it would take me ten years to heal. She was close, it took 8.
You have certainly experienced many interesting incidents since he died and then again when your mother died. Just shows he is always with you!
I am an atheist, so for me there is no "Heaven" to place my bro in. He was an atheist as well. Yet I have entered the "Year of Magical Thinking" and must own that I am loving it. I celebrate my brother and our love by writing the same long letters we wrote one another in life when not in the same city. I tell him things I would tell him, I share what's up with my life. I make collages in it. Roses. In his ALF he decorated the tables with cut roses from the gardens. His old Truck. I talk to him.
As to giving you comfort it will get better? It WILL. Those of us who LOVED and resolved most "issues" during life are left with the easier grief, believe me. It comes down to feeling sorry for our own loss, from feeling so shockingly alone.
Make your diary. Decorate it. Write your Mom thoughts. For me, as the months pass I go there a bit less, then less yet. I can "feel" him moving from me, or feel myself letting go of him. His life was good. He saw much. He had a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's and he didn't want to/was afraid to "go there". The oddest thing I feel is "relief". That he doesn't HAVE to go there. Nor worry. Nor fear.
I wish you so much luck. And again, aren't we the lucky ones? So much love to celebrate.
Allow yourself the time off. Allow yourself those moments when you curl into a fetal ball on the bed, depressed, and just utter to yourself and to her "Oh....Mom. Oh.....Mom." Be easy on yourself. Give yourself the gift of permission to feel whatever you want to feel on any given day. Even doubt is allowed. There is nothing that's not allowed.
Hugs out to you.
Loved the way you dealt with your brother's death.
You are so right when you said "those of us who LOVED and resolved most 'issues' during life are left with the easier grief."
I know you've said many times you're an atheist, but I still keep you in my prayers!
You lost the person that raised you, that taught you to be the person you are today.
You lost the one that held your hand and cooled your brow when you were sick. The one that held your hand on the first day of school, your first boyfriend, first dance, first breakup..
But she is still with you.
Every time you look in the mirror, especially as you turn you catch a glimpse of her. Every time you catch yourself saying something that she used to say to you, she is there.
Share her stories. Share what she taught you and she will truly never be gone.
As long as you speak her name she will never leave you.
The rawness will fade, the hurt will subside and become a dull ache that in turn will fade as well. It all takes time. Think of putting a stitch in your heart every day, soon it will be stitched up. But stitched does not mean healed. Once in a while something will happen to make a stitch rip and you have to sew it again. The stitches will take a while to dissolve but they will.
Do not let anyone tell you how long to grieve. Grief is personal and it knows no timeline. Go back to work when it is right for you BUT getting back to a "normal" routine does help. When you return, if they allow it once in a while bring in one of your mom's favorite cookie or brownie recipes and share with your friends. It will be another way to keep her close.
Beautiful message!!! And what a nice suggestion at the end :)
Please be assured you are OK, but feeling the loss and the emptiness. In time you will feel better. Remember there are certain occasions which are harder like birthdays and holidays, and at 3 months, 6 months 9 months and a year after, etc we feel our losses more.
Good job on taking care of yourself. Keep letting us know how you are. (((((((hugs))))))