What steps might I take to prevent this from being an emotional roller coaster for everyone as her Alzheimer's is only going to progress?
Mom is 86 with stage 7 Alzheimer's. Dad is 84 with back issues, still drives, takes care of the house and cares for Mom. I have Mom in a day care 3x a week, but Dad's frustration with her has been increasing, which then drives her anxiety and it is a bad circle of stress. I am available a lot to support and take on responsibilities for him. My other 3 siblings are barely involved (unless they have an audience). I attempted introducing some home care help in the past, but Dad was uncomfortable and asked me to cancel it after just 2 visits.
Mom was in hospital with bladder infection and moved to Memory care on 1/10 went so smoothly and I felt a sense of calm and relief that she would get more engagement and professional care-taking there and Dad would get respite needed. However on day 2, he said this was not going to work. As I talked with him it boiled out to 3 reasons:
1) He feels he will not be able to get anything done around the house as he is always with Mom at Silverado.
2) He is getting wound up by my one brother that Mom is not getting the care they said they would provide, so he is convinced he cannot trust them and he can do it better at home.
3) He misses her at home with him and is heart broken
I have made some suggestions, and try to remind him of all of the things he was telling me before we moved her last week. About how he was tired of being her nurse, about how she sometimes would not stop talking and asking the same questions, about his frustration with her hiding things. About how this disease is only going to get worse and harder for him and Mom at home. He is in denial and says she really is not that bad, even though doctors are telling him the truth about her in stage 7 and her swallowing is getting worse.
I am not going to battle with my Dad or siblings (who seem driven by inheritance more than care for both parents and are happy to have Dad take Mom home.) I am the one involved and so now will meet with Memory care to provide the notice to move Mom back home and re-establish the the 3x week day care and the neighbor ladies who help me with driving Mom. I am conflicted as I want what is best for them, but I see Mom thriving in memory care after just these few days and the difference from when he has her at home. She is eating better, sleeping better and moving around a ton more. She is better around people and with engaging activities.
Thank you for reading/listening to me. I am wondering if anyone has been through this moving in and moving out. How can I get Dad to take a break before he gets to the point where he is calling 911 or running Mom to the ER whenever he is frustrated? He thinks he will be able to just send Mom to Memory care whenever he needs a break - I am not sure if this is feasible.
I know on some level all things are going to happen in God's time and way, but I am concerned and worried. Dad says the siblings promise to be more involved, but based on the past I have little faith, especially as they all seem in denial about the facts of this disease, its progression and how Mom really is doing. It is like they all, including Dad, see how Mom is thriving since going to memory care and think she is "fixed" and will be the same now at home.
I will take any advice and suggestions. Thank you so much!