Longsuffering husband and I have been overseeing and helping mom over 25 years with almost no help from brother. How can I get him to help?

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He pretty much cut us off years ago. He did send her a couple of large checks several years ago, and when SHE calls HIM on his birthday every year, he does talk to her about an hour. He absolutely refused to speak to me for years, but this last year I called him and we actually talked. It may not happen again, but do any of you have an idea how I can get him to help with mom? He's in another state, far away, and his wife doesn't like her, so he can't take her, nor can she travel. Now what?

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You're all right; guess I just think it's unfair, it is, and spooky as I see down the road what can happen. I appreciate the help; thanks guys!
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This is NOT a new dynamic, if you've ever lurked on these boards.

Straight answer? You CAN'T make your brother do anything. Period. As far as him not having a relationship with mom or you, well, you can't force it. Don't even try.

I have 4 living sibs. My brother and I do the most for mom. The other 3, despite being no more than 20 minutes away from her, do nothing unless I shoot them a text or email and kind of get "nasty" about it.

Truth is, it is what it is. Some people simply don't value the relationship with their parent(s) and that's the way it is.

Better to accept and move on than worry and wonder why brother doesn't come around. At least he sends money occasionally. More than my brother did.
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CM I love love love this, ‘A relationship isn't a relationship if you are only allowed to speak about things that the other person approves of, by the way.’
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Thank you all! Got some new ideas.... from the trenches, which is always valuable.
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There is still a mentally in this country if there is a daughter parents r her responsibility. My DH doesn't agree but he is one of 3 boys.

Your Mom can not stay in independent living. She needs more care that I am not sure even an AL can give. You need to call Medicaid and find out if she has ever applied, if so, find out why she was turned down. She will need to be evaluated for a Nursing home.
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My brother didn't help mom when he lived in the same city and I lived 350 km away (and was driving down there every 2-3 weeks to help around the house). We fought about it and then didn't speak for years, till I moved her up here. He still rarely calls, and has only visited once. I just don't think you can make someone help, son or not.

Home support is a blessing to me.
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How can you get your brother to help? I think it would be more realistic to accept that he is not going to change now, after 25 years of neglect. Don't count on him.

Instead find others to help. An Elder Law attorney would be a good starting point (paid for with Mom's money.) It may be true that Mom has a little too much income, but usually an attorney can solve that issue.

It would be useful to have an objective assessment of what your mother needs. Assisted Living? Nursing Home? Something else? Your Area Agency on Aging can help you figure out how to get a needs assessment.

Go over her med list with the pharmacist and see if you can identify the ones most likely to be causing confusion. Then discuss those with her doctor. What is her confusion like? What makes you think it is from her medications?
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He knows... I don't think he knows what else to do, she won't do PT, tho she is trying to walk the halls with a helper.

She won't discuss Medicaid; keeps saying they always tell her she makes just a little too much for it. I tried again last week. She's getting there, cmag; thanks for the tip about the social worker at the NH, it will have to be done after the fact, I guess.
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Has she been to an Eldercare attorney to set up documents and discuss Medicaid eligibility? It sounds like that would be a good use of her funds.

I also agree with an evaluation of her meds if they are making her confused.
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Let your husband and the social worker at whatever nursing home she goes to on the basis of medicaid pending navigate the application for Medicaid since you are not able to do it. Also, it sounds to me like she needs more care than independent living provides.

Maybe her pain meds need re-evaluating since they are making her confused and forgetful. Does her doctor know that?
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