Long term care for dad, advice?

My husband and I are wrestling with this very problem, for physical reasons, mostly. We are not anxious to leave our home. The institutions look, well, institutional, but I adjusted to dorm living in college (after a very tearful beginning leaving my parents) so I hope I can adjust to this. It is getting too hard to keep up a house, we are too isolated. It is very SCAREY to become dependent on strangers, but it is the task that faces us now. I just want to arrange it so family members can monitor our care when we cannot. Please do not blame yourself if you need to make this decision for a parent. Our world is not set up any longer to put an old person by the fire in a rocking chair (by the way the old person would probably have enbe in their fifties in those times
and everyone would be in that room by the fire during the day at times.) Be matter of fact, do not encourage us to whine or fuss. Expect us to face the situation, and do the same when it comes your turn.

My dad struggled mightily with weakness in his legs, along with CHF. He was very determined to stay in his home. We all knew it wasn’t safe but as he had a sound mind we couldn’t force change. After a particularly rotten fall where he spent hours on the floor alone, we finally got him to agree to hire a helper. She was a huge help and became a real friend to dad. It wasn’t a foolproof plan, she wasn’t always there, but it was workable. Consider whether bringing in help might suffice. If not, take dad on visits to the places you believe might work. And no guilt, of course it’s sad that all can’t be perfect, and that change must happen, but you’re looking out for his best interests and that’s exactly what he needs

These moves are always hard, on everyone involved. If he is unsafe at home alone, then it's time to make some changes, for his safety. And your peace of mind.

I read that you are reluctant to have him leave his lovely home. With respect for those feelings, I suggest that you consider what is really best for him at his age and condition. It's a big change but I hope you can quickly come to terms with it and get dad what he needs.

I totally get feeling worried about him adjusting to new surroundings. My mom still lives with me and I am worried when the day comes for me to tell her that it's time to live elsewhere. We're basically one event away from that becoming a reality. She almost fell coming into the house tonight. If my husband hadn't been just a couple of steps behind her, that could have been the event.

Almost everybody want to stay in their home. But at his age and situation, it is often just not feasible nor safe. Can you hire aides to be with him at home? Would it help him stay home longer and still be safe? If he is weak and hard to transfer, I'm assuming that he is also one event away from major changes.

It is a cop out, but I am kind of hoping that an event happening will keep me from having to really be the bad guy. If she has a fall or a health event, which could really happen to any elder at any time, I can see that the path could be hospital, rehab, nursing home. Until that happens, I will probably be hiring in home help soon. Already hired a cleaning lady (that mom pays for) to concentrate on her areas of the house and then the common areas. Already hiring someone to help her use her CPAP. And whatever comes next.

It's not easy. Good luck.

I hate to say it but all old people hate leaving their homes - no matter what is wrong with them but sometimes there is no choice. First they may have physical and mental issues and there is no one who can or will handle this - and they need more care than one can give at home. It is heartbreaking but I don't know what to do about it. I have zero living family and friends at 88, just my kitty, and after 13 years in assisted living, I die a daily death. I can't walk (spinal issues) but am super high functioning, still work two jobs (51 years and 15 years), take care of myself completely, have all kinds of hobbies and learn new things daily. But I am so lonely - no one is like me - almost all with dementia - so I run as fast as I can. As full as my life is, I have never forgiven myself for ending up like this and know that if I live for the next l00 years, I will never accept this way of life - never.

My partner of 22 year went to AL last July. He hated the place and caused problems there as he had at my home. The facility referred us to a psychiatric nurse who diagnosed him as depressed and anxious. The medication is working well. He is adjusted to the facility which is very close to my home. I can go everyday and join in the activities with him. It has become a familiar place for him. The facility is nice, styled more like a hotel than a dorm. One of the staff said, "They always adjust. It takes time but they settle in." Support him. Be there when you can. Establish a routine. He will adjust with some time and care.

Assisted Living is not a 'punishment' or a house of horrors, as some people think. Some attach SUCH a stigma to AL that it's really ridiculous! My parents began living in AL back in 2014 and it was a wonderful experience for them, honestly. Much like hotel life in many ways, but with caregivers available if necessary.

Your father may not be accepted in Assisted Living, however, b/c of his mobility issues and most do not accept Hoyer lifts; you'd have to make sure the place you're looking at allows a Hoyer lift to be used, otherwise, his stay there may be very short. You want to avoid moving him twice, if possible, and find a residence for him where he can stay until God calls him home. If that means Skilled Nursing, so be it. Find one that has high ratings and good feedback online, that's your best bet. If dad is private paying, all the better. SNFs are a bit harder of an adjustment than AL because most of them do not look like nice hotels, let's face it. But when my dad was facing life in a SNF, I did find one here in Denver that was almost like a hotel.........Windcrest it's called. It's a top notch place that charges quite a bit more than standard nursing homes, but also looks a lot more like a hotel than a SNF. He didn't wind up going there as I was able to get him into an AL with mom so they could live together for the last 10 months of his life, fortunately.

Think of dad's move as another adventure in life's journey rather than a negative move from his beautiful home to a dump. Treat it like a positive step for him to get a better quality of life with his physical limitations that he now faces. Having help 24/7 is a good thing, in reality, and something he can rely on. You'll visit as often as possible and he'll make friends and have activities to participate in, which is not how life is living in a house. Focus on the positive and soon he'll join you in your enthusiasm.

Wishing you the best of luck

People don't realize how wonderful the "right" assisted living center can be. My father is 97, and loves it. He is physically disabled after a fall (no dementia). He lived independently in a large house until two years ago. His center looks like a resort. There are no nursing "stations", the staff wear pagers and residents wear neck lanyards (if they choose to do so). The dining room is like a restaurant. They are presented with a menu before every meal. There is a shuttle bus and van for outings, in addition to planned activities, exercise classes, etc., all day.

Keep looking at at various centers! We are close to two other states, so searched in a three state radius. Go look at all of them. Drop in when they don't expect you. My father is 30 minutes away (in another state), but it's worth it for this fabulous center.

I think back to how much time my father spent alone in his house (although family came by daily), and how much richer his life is now. In hindsight, he should have moved earlier. When he lived alone he was resistant to moving. Looking back, even HE now says he should have moved earlier (he moved 7 years after we lost my Mom).

People think "nursing home" when they hear "assisted living". They are vastly different. Even within the assisted living facilities, they differ so much. Many have tiny rooms or apartments, others are very large. They feel like "home" when you move their furniture, curtains, bedding, wall art, etc., in the apartment. Start visiting centers around you!

Can he possible afford to have a caregiver at home?

Donotworry,

Have you checked into a hoyer lift? I think Medicare will cover it if his doctor prescribes it.

I think the idea of them is that it allows one person to move someone that is no longer ambulatory. Negating the 2 person transfer.

Ask the aids and find out about training them for safety.

I would keep him home as long as possible.

Maybe present it to him as an “if “ situation and get his buy in. “Dad, we’re ok for now, but if it were to come to the point where living at home isn’t an option, what are the things that would be most important to you in the new/next situation?” Perhaps if he knew that it was not an immediate impending change and that his desires would be considered, you could open the conversation without it being stressful and you might get some insights into his concerns. Change is hard on anyone and losing your autonomy is especially hard for older ones. Allowing him some sense of control over what you can might help.