Long distance caregiver guilt—feelings of not doing enough. Any advice on dealing with these feelings?

Wow, this reminds me of my childhood. From age 6 sister and I did all the house cleaning, helped with meals, did the dishes, made the beds, helped with laundry.

My brothers emptied the trash one a week and complained about that!

Based on my experience helping my aged parents I think you have been doing the lions share. I agree with other comments that your mother should be taking on some of the tasks. Don’t count her out yet. If you are doing all this now what will it be like in 10-15 years?

Please don’t give up your life in Florida.

I have thought alot before answering this. There will be alot of your parents should have planned, walk away, etc.

While I do not disagree, I think the most important thing you can do is listen to the hands on siblings and show empathy to their daily struggles. This is not to discount what you do but there is a huge difference. Sometimes the hands on person has a bad day and it is nice to have someone listen.

My dear, it sounds like you are going above and beyond and I praise you for that. Have you talked to your brothers about your feelings? I can say from my experience that a call, text, FaceTime or even a card would have meant the world to me when I cared for my Mom. I did not receive any help, calls, texts or cards from my sibling. Your mother in law is thinking of a woman taking care of a woman. I can see that if your Mom needed bathing, she would want a daughter to help. I would keep open communication with your Mom and brothers. As far as her husband, does he have family? They should be chipping in to help him too. God bless you for caring so much!

71 is YOUNG, for crying out loud. Let your mother take care of herself. It's nice she has your brothers' and your help during this crisis, but when she has healed, she should be on her own again. You can re-visit your guilt when she is 85/90 by which time I hope she and you - her children - will have figured out a care program. Of course people don't age at the same rate, or are equally healthy, but in my experience with my contemporaries in their late 70s -- we are all taking care of ourselves and not expecting anyone else to do it for us and we have plans laid out for ourselves. We are lucky, for sure, but considering a relatively healthy person 'old' and in need of help at 71 is just not called for. Lose the guilt. Live your life. As far as your MIL is concerned, unless she has a daughter, I think she is setting you up to take her in, in the future. Better nip that in the bud. You can love, you can care, you can help, but you have to preserve your own life.

Imho, please do not hold onto guilt. I moved in with my mother. I don't advocate an out of state care job. That was really hard. Prayers sent.

Treecrout,

Good Lord girl!! When I read thru the list of things you've been able to accomplish from a distance, the answer is "Yes"! You're doing all you can!

Mom, is going to recover soon, but if you keep beating yourself up you're going to end up exhausted!

Please take care of yourself!!

Why don't you take a short trip to see your dear mom? You obviously love her very, very much. And you're very, very worried. I think seeing the result of all the good you've done, and just spending time together will be medicine to your soul.

Thanks to all for your encouragement and advice. It is so appreciated and I am extremely grateful for this forum. Update: The ankle surgery went well, and mom even agreed to spend a week in a rehab facility at the doctor’s suggestion. She hated it, but I tried to keep her spirits up by sending flowers and treats, calling daily and helping her again get home health set up.

I put her in the drivers seat with home health as so many of you recommended, and that was going well. I felt optimistic for the first time in months. She sounded great when I talked to her this weekend and was so happy to be home.

fast forward to today. Seemingly out of nowhere, she was having a great deal of pain in her back and chest, and once again went to the ER via ambulance. Once again the scramble to make sure her husband had someone to stay with him. Again I am on the phone for most of the day talking to care coordinators, my siblings and home health. Again hoping my job will understand because I cannot work and deal with a crisis at the same time.

Surprisingly, I’m not feeling the pangs of guilt for living so far away. Instead I have anxiety and feelings that no matter what I do, things don’t seem to get better. I am certain that going back to the hospital was the right thing to do, and I am grateful that she realized she needed to go.

That said, I feel a profound sadness. I feel afraid to relax or allow myself to feel happy, because the moment I do, some other crisis comes up. Worse than that, I am starting to feel like a terrible person because I feel resentment for the constant state of crisis. So many people deal with far worse situations than this, and who am I to complain? I don’t resent my mom—this is not her fault—but I find I resent having a crisis to deal with just when I feel like I can start living my own life again. New guilt! Yay!

I hate feeling the way I feel, and I know I need to let go and let things unfold. She is receiving care. The doctors are working to get to the bottom of things. I already have connected with the social worker and home health. I am hoping that the timing is just a coincidence, but I can’t help but feel like we are going to keep living in this state of crisis. I used to be a really happy, optimistic person, but the sadness and resentment are creeping back in.

I don’t know what kind of advice to ask for. I just feel so grateful to have this forum where I can be honest about what I am feeling and hope that there is someone else out there who understands. I wish I could be more loving and gracious, vs the resentful sad person I am becoming, I appreciate everyone for listening. Thank you for being here.