What can a lone daughter do to help her mother give up independence and stop driving? - AgingCare.com

What can a lone daughter do to help her mother give up independence and stop driving?

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I live in Orlando, Florida and My mother is 84 years old. She lives alone in a condo but refuses to stop driving, be independent etc., I have tried to convince her of the need to stop driving, independence and living alone and have tried to convince family members of her need. No one wants to interfere as she has become insulting and difficult to handle. What can a lone daughter do to help her mother in this situation?

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Christiepearl, your profile says that Mom has dementia. Do everything you can to prevent her from driving.

In her independent living situation, is she a danger to herself or to others? We were able to keep Mom in her own apartment for 4 or 5 years of the mild stage of her dementia, by arranging some in-home care, housekeeping, delivered meals, one of us getting her groceries, etc. If your mom is at an early stage and you can arrange enough services for her, perhaps she can stay "independent" for a while.

Work on getting the rest of the family to understand her illness.
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christiepearl, you submit the form: flhsmv.gov/forms/72190.pdf and let the Florida DMV determine whether she can drive. If they pass her, your conscience is clear.
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When I took my mom to the doctor and they gave her a memory test she failed it and they sent the info to the DMV. The DMV just sent her forms for the doctor to fill out which will tell them she can't drive. Eventually they will pull her drivers license. Your best bet is to have a doctor say what is wrong with her and send it to the state. This will get the ball rolling.
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Christiepearl....I know exactly how you feel as I am going through it right now. My mom things there is nothing wrong with her but a little memory loss, she does not understand that she can't see very well (Alzheimers/Dementia symptom) and drives horrible. She can't remember anything so she things everything is alright. My sister is the hold up because she things we can just avoid everything but it is not working. She threatened to take the police over there and get her car. We will have to have the car "break down" , take it to a mechanic and convince him to tell her it can't be fixed. She is also starting to need assistance with meds and such. She is fighting everyday to get her life back. You have to be very creative when you have to take someones independence away. Have you tried to talk her into a Senior Living Community?
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Well I'll take a crack at this. I'm there with ya. My mom is stubborn and I've sung your same song to my 91 yr old mom and it falls on deaf ears. She refuses to take any advice or assistance short of me moving in and caring for her and that would only last as long as she was getting her own way and calling all the shots.

So you've talked until you are blue in the face. Now you can stop.

Go online to her DMV and fill out a form asking them to revoke her license or require her to come in for driver and eye test. I did this twice but they have yet to pull my moms license...maybe you'll have luck.

Family members will turn a blind eye and won't listen to you either or will agree with you but not back you up or go to bat and talk to the elder.

Not any advice here, except to stop harping or nagging mom. Learn to let go what you cannot change. She's an adult and as long as she has not been deemed incompetent by her physician or court of law, she IS entitled to make decisions even if they are bad ones.

If you think she is in danger or living unhealthy then you can report her to APS or hire an elder care manager to visit her and make an independent assessment.

I know this is a heartache because deep down we know we can "fix it" and make it better "if they would only listen to us". Sadly, we have to wait until something bad happens.
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Curious, why does she need to stop driving? Unless she is getting into accidents or her eye sight has failed, have her keep driving.as long as she can get from point A to point B safely.... otherwise, you become her driver.

My parents always were going out of the house 2 to 3 times a day, it gave them something to do by going grocery shopping at 3 different grocery stores... then later going to the Post Office to get their mail... then Dad wanted to go to the hardware store.... next day, something similar.

When Dad had to stop driving due to an illness, I thought he would be back on the road in a few months.... so I took them everywhere.... but I was using my vacation days and sick days from work to run all these errands. My Dad never went back to driving, and it wasn't easy to tone down all the errands.

I don't want to see you get in that loop if, in fact, your Mom is still able to drive. Eventually you will resent all the driving. I know I did.
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