Does the negativity and emotional abuse ever get easier to live with?

menohardy, thanks for addressing some of my post. Your raise some good points.
The truth is my relationship with my mother and the rest of my family has never been a great one. I was verbally abused by both my parents when I was a child and my mother even hit me very hard across my face once in front of all my girl friends when I was a teenager because I was wearing a dress she didn't like on me. My brother and sister refuse to acknowledge that I was abused, but even my father admitted it toward the end of his life. My mother never did.
To answer one of your questions, I had a productive life, until I took a leave from my job to move in with my mother. I have several advanced degrees and was a respected professional career. But, since moving in with my mother, I have been so beaten down by her behavior and constant, vile verbal abuse that I feel almost paralyzed to change the situation. To answer another of your questions, when I said my brother and sister were useless, I meant they do nothing to help or support my mother. They don't even visit more often than once every couple of months and they live very close. The reason I am the only one who recognizes my mother's dementia is that I live with her and I see her everyday. It's easy for my mother to put on performance for my brother and sister when she actually sees them so rarely and for an hour or two when they do see her.
Also, my mother refuses to go to her doctor to be tested for dementia, so it's only me who has diagnosed her. She has every symptom of dementia according to the websites I have checked. My brother and sister chose to live in denial because it makes their lives easier. They can justify not helping me or her if they convince themselves my mother isn't seriously ill.
In the last few days, I have spoken to some of my friends who have convinced me that I must move and get away from my entire family. I am currently looking for a townhouse to purchase in a town far away from my family. If I leave, my bother and sister will be forced to deal with my mother. By remaining a caregiver for my mother, I am enabling my brother and sister to take no responsibility for my mother and in the process I'm destroying my life and my health.

Thank you all for your responses. They are most informative and VERY helpful! I will keep plugging away at this new " job " I have all the while taking those little " breaks " ....Thank you .....newtothis.

menohardy, I apologize for calling you a lady in my earlier post.... but hope you read my post to your wall and consider what I asked... it would be the best education I have ever had.... thanks again...

YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO LIVE WITH IT..
A Nursing Facility is 24/7
Perhaps if you want to live with her..then u will have to accept it.
As there is nothing to do to change it..instead of all her money going to you..that is to take care of her in a Nursing Facility for her proper help.

Dear menohardy and daughter,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It is a blessing to have a first hand account of what is happening inside a person's mind. Your willingness to educate all of us does help to enlighten. One thing you said especially hit home with me and that is, "They hear every word and see every sight but they are unable to connect the dots in order to form human response and communication in the manner you believe is normal." When mama says something off the wall (to us) we don't correct her unless it's important because it always causes her distress; we see it on her face. I also hate the word "dementia." I hope in time the word is replaced with something more sensitive; it seems to me to be archaic terminology.

My mother DOES do this to the nursing staff, but they are better able and a lot more used to hadling this kind of behavior. I guess that is what I was trying to say in my post, but got carried away with my personal situation, sorry.
My mother is now in a nursing home, and has good and bad days, she has to be on serequel (anti-phsycotic med.) every 8 hours. She seems to be adjusting little by little, and when I see all the care she needs, she can no longer dress herself, she has "accidents", she does not know to brush her teeth etc, I know she is where she needs to be. It is costing her $300.00 a day, and when she runs out of money, we will apply for title 19. But she will be self paying for a while.
Good luck to all you caregivers. I just want you to realize when you can no longer do it, it is time to consider 24 hour care or nursing home.

Menohardy, so many times I have sat and watched S try to connect to what is going on around him....you are one awesome lady and will be in my mind and heart forever... thank you so much for giving us an 'inside view' of what is going on.Please post as long as you can.... I will read you as long as you can post... I want to better understand S's agitation when I simply can not understand what it is he is trying to relate to me... your posts are giving me some insight into being more patient and to try and empathize more...
I DO know he understands what is being said about him by his wife... it always makes me angry, to see his feelings hurt.. true that in a few minutes he won't remember, but in the here and now, he is feeling diminshed as tho he is not setting right there and hearing what is being said....
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me much needed insight... this is going to help me be a better caregiver and to never take credit for what S is able to do on his own.... hugs across the miles to you.... please keep us updated on how you are doing ....

openheart2-thank you for your acute observation of my odd form of Dementia. A bit off thread but deserves a response. I am diagnosed with Subcortical Dementia and progressive nuclear palsy. Only 63 yrs of age. I cannot remember from one day to the next and in the beginning I was diagnosed with Parkinsons simply because of gait. My dementia is progressive and in weeks or months I will not be able to communicate in any way. Currently my condition is poor calculation of the
motor responses needed to walk so I shuffle and I have a perpetual smile that is extremely un-attractive and causes anyone who doesn't know me to think of me as an idiot. So since this is a caregiver question and answer forum let me explain for any caregivers who do not understand my affliction for your own knowledge-imagine waking up each day and not remembering yesterday and each day you are frightened when you look in the mirror and see yourself smiling for no reason and before getting to the bathroom you forget where you are going. My daughter sets me in front of this computer and as long as I do not look away I can hold my thought and see perhaps with more insight than most humans can imagine. My drs said that it is the characteristics of some Savants who paint or play musical instruments or can do mathematical calculations at the speed of a computer.
But for the disease that gave me these insights I will Nova soon and be lost inside of my own mind. If you are caring for someone who has dementia you think they are unaware of what is going on around them but you cannot understand that they do. They hear every word and see every sight but they are unable to connect the dots in order to form human response and communication in the manner you believe is normal. Imagine if you will our frustration at your not understanding us. The word Dementia is in itself a slap in our faces. Imagine being called demented.
You go to your physician and you listen to the litany of complaints your caregiver gives your doctor who has already labeled you an idiot. Does openheart2 understand the different stages of Subcortical Dementia? I doubt very much many caregivers recognize the number of forms Dementia presents. My daughter is telling me to tell you she takes me shopping and it makes her cry to hear people call me an idiot because I walk with a shuffle and cannot stop smiling. I do not remember this now but I may later I can only do this or answer openheart2s statement as I perceived a hint of wonder between the lines. Wondering how someone labeled as demented can think and converse in the abstract. Now you know. My daughter found this site and she sits behind me as I type to keep me on topic. I type sister and she corrects me-I type dented and she corrects me. She said I might be able to help caregivers understand that no one is demented except maybe a criminal or a caregiver who would abuse a person because of their affliction(s). Most elderly are very old and their hearing is bad and their eyesight poor and their hands hurt and their boby aches and they are fixated on their deaths and no one understands them. They are taken places they do not want to go or put in a corner and sit for endless boring hours because you are too lazy or too busy to take them for a ride or to the beach or to a movie because you think they are too much trouble. I can read and I can write and I can think so why,you wonder am I demented? And why should my daughter take credit? I give my daughter credit for alot of things but not for my ability to try to enlighten caregivers on the world of dementia. Physicians can only guess and make suppositions. They lie to you and say momma does not know what is going on so don't take it so hard. That is not so. They only say that to ease your suffering. You are the patient, not the mother or father you are caring for-YOU! I do not know how I know this. I just do. Where do thoughts come from? Do you understand dementia?

I am sure that many "children" of parents that are angry about their situation might not have always had a "rosy" relationship with their parents This gets obviously worse as they become more dependent upon caregivers for their daily living. Everyone says, what are YOU going to be like when you get that age? Well, hopefully not blaming everyone else. Bad habits get worse and bad attitudes just get more awful every day. You can't reason with them, especially when there is dementia involved. Just go with the flow. To try to reason with an unreasonable child is, well, unreasonable. That is why you go with the flow. If possible become the guardian or power of attorney. If not, and you know that you have done all you can with the power that you have to you, then know that the situation they are in is their own doing, Everyone knows that they will get old (hopefully). To act like it won't happen to you is just plain stupid. To say that it's not the time is stupid. And if you have to let your parents have a guardian through the state, it isn't the worse thing. They will work with you,. They will have your parent's well being their primary concern. The blame and the punishment for their "predicament" can't rest on your shoulders and if they haven't made their own arrangements before when they were able to they will have a reasonable person(s) that can manage their financial affairs as well as their living arrangements and that stress is out of your hands. I was lucky that I finally found out that I could be POA, after they were both deemed mentally unsound, but that doesn't replace a guardian. And I was ready to let the state do it. The judge appointed me temp. guardian for 60 days. If this is more than I can handle the state said they understood. They are helping with filling out financial information for medicaid. But the hard part is mine to figure out what in the world they thought when they set up their finances. I just write down what I have, and they sort it. They will set up a trust for my mom so she can stay at home until the inevitable. No more money. And that, my friends is their own fault. Their savings was there for them, but my brother spent almost all of it on drugs and being "set up" for almost 30 years. I am not going let it keep me up at night. Because they are adults and they made their choice. Yes I love them. But don't we all make our choices?

In response to Menohardy.... "I have dementia and I hope I am making myself clear." WOW ! You make yourself perfectly clear. Who told you that you have dementia!!!!! With your long, well thought and profound response, it is clear that you have a very clear understanding of what, how and why unhealthy behavior manifests and what to do about it. Congratulations on such clear thought. I applaud and wholeheartedly agree with you. Your daughter must be very proud.

I agree with openheart2. If the caregiver is a stranger he or she would not put up with a constant barrage of insults and verbal abuse. I really think it is important that a patient is evaluated by a geriatrics doctor and a neurologist to see where they are at. If they say the patient is incapable of understanding boundaries it is time to place them in a home and if I ever reach the point that I am hurting my loved ones verbally or physically I have instructed them to put me in a home because that is not me. We spend our lives preparing for everything but what happens if. Living to a ripe old age isn't always lollie pops and roses so everyone-make a living will. Talk to your children before you have that stroke or reach the age you can no longer be civil or capable of the easiest task. Love your aged parent, visit them often but leave their care to the professionals once they get out of control. A professional can care for them much better and they don't get as emotionally involved. They understand more clearly what is happening.

I feel your pain and go through the same as you. However, what I have started to do is honor my Self first and set boundaries. Do I allow others to treat me in this way? Absolutely not !!!! Therefore, after much heartache, tears and abuse, I put my foot down and commanded respect. Yes, most of the abuse is as a result of the "disease" and not the person. However, like you, being a kind, loving and giving personse deserves more. So, when I am treated poorly, I tell her I will be back when she decises to treat me with respect. And I stay away for hours at a time, if not all day (she is well provided for beforehand) until she decises to treat me respectfully. Oftentimes it takes three days before she will come around, but on that third day, she DOES treat me differently. It is during those times that I hire someone to sit with her while I take a deep breath and go out for a well deserved dinner with friends/partner, etc. When she treats me poorly, I can now "thank her" for an opportunity to go out. Trust me, those times are now dwindling down as she KNOWS what I will do when her abuse starts. "Boundaries", what a lovely gift to give your Self !

The answer about reading about a narcissistic mother is right on. You have to learn to set boundaries. She will play you like a fiddle if you ALLOW her to. Another thing is not to feel guilty. You are helping her, but you can't do that if you don't help yourself. If she doesn't like what you do, so be it, so long as you aren't abusive to her. She will never like anything if it's not what she wants and the way she wants it. You are her daughter and caretaker, not her servant. And part of this is forgiveness: giving up the desire for what might have been. Good luck.

The old adage: You Always Hurt The One You Love is very true. Your mother is most likely making you the target of her seeming abuse because she is suffering. Her many reasons for suffering are legion; old age, a sense of loss and losing her sense of self worth. She has to vent to someone and unfortunately because you are there with her all the time "You are it." Shortly after my wife passed and I was virtually bed-ridden I took out my frustrations on my one daughter that took my abuse until she sought counseling for herself and it turned out I was taken to a Palliative care Psychologist and he opened my eyes to the fact that I was taking out all of my anger issues on the one person who loved me the most simply because she was the only person in this world who loved me enough to take the abuse. Your mother needs to learn self awareness if her dementia is not so severe that she cannot learn. If it is you either have to come to grips that mother is using you for her punching bag and really loves you more than the others and learn to laugh it off or she must go in a home. You need to understand why you are taking the abuse. If you didn't have your mother what would you have? Sometimes we stay with an abusive spouse or other significant person in our lives because outside of that we would not have a life. I have dementia and I hope I am making myself clear. I would have been placed in a home several years ago were it not for my Palliative Care Counselor. I forget things. Right now I cannot tell you what I did yesterday without my daughter helping me but I have learned thru therapy how to stay in the now and not let the reality that my muscles are going and I can't do the things I used to do make me angry but I can get on line and try to show caregivers the view from a demented mind-LOL. You put yourself in the role as caregiver so start being one. When your siblings come over and she loves on them be happy for her the same as a good care giver is happy to see her patient being visited by someone who your patient is happy to see. Remember-you took the job and you can quit-anytime you want. The issue should be between you and your siblings. They need to know how you are being abused. Make recordings of this abuse and show them to the others. No one should be abused-period. You say no one can see her dementia but you? How can this be? Is she crafty enough to be sweet as a lamb while the others are around and then turn on you when they are gone? Then maybe she is not as demented as you think. Maybe her condition has simply made her mean spirited or maybe she resents your presence. Outside of caring for her do you work? Have a home of your own? Maybe she sees you as an intruder or a meddler instead of a necessity? A caring loving daughter. Has her doctors said she needs 24 hr assistance? Are you being compensated? If you did not have her to care for what would you be doing with your life? These last sentences were meant for MarciWriter. I asked these questions because you said: I am the only one who can see her Dementia, too. This raises my suspicions. Why are you the only one who recognizes her dementia? I am not trying to imply that you are not needed but Dementia can be manifested in many ways. When you said your brother and sister are useless I sensed a great deal of hostility on your part toward them. In what way are they useless? Evidently your mother does not find them useless. Newtothis, you must approach the abuse from your dad as your sister has. If your dad were vomiting you would not see that as abuse. If he were bedwetting or crying you would not see that as abuse. He is emotionally discharging his anger at getting old and losing his independence. If you cannot learn to let this roll off your back like water off a ducks back and not take it personal the job is not for you! I get so angry and frustrated sometimes I want to just scream. One time my daughter noticed my anger and said dad, whats wrong. I said I can't go on like this! I want to scream, holler, jump up and down and she said-so do I, lets begin and she started yelling and screaming and jumping up and down and after a few seconds of this we both started laughing. Find your dad something to do that he enjoys. If he likes to fish get him a wii. Keep a journal and remember: dad will not be with you forever-keep this in your mind and above all realize he is not trying to hurt you emotionally. He doesn't know how to say I am angry and frustrated and afraid and lonely. What he may call you he is really calling himself so please don't take it personal. He loves you. Thank the Lord he can speak at all. One day you will not hear his voice again-ever. Remember this.

HI Does she live with you.
Perhaps she needs Nursing Facility whre they know HOW TO take care of her Professionally.My BEST ADVICE. As they don't take things personally&there is 24/7 watches.
I HOPE you see that instead of all of this..she won't easily do this to the Nursing Staff..&she will have to cope with relating with them..which will help.

to answer the question of wether the nagativity and emotional abuse ever get better ? I cant answer for your situation, but for me, it never did. I never learned the coping skills to tune her out. At one point I couldnt talk to my sisters about the home life anymore because they either didnt want to hear it, or didnt believe me. The only ones to reassure me I wasnt losing my mind were my kids. And I felt like I had to protect them from my Mom. Find things to relieve your stress and someone you trust that you can vent to...Good luck to you

I can soooo relate to all of you above, after being sole caregiver to my 85 year old mother for two years. It is so wierd that us, the ones that are there all the time, get treated the worst. My brother has no contact with her, and my sister now comes once a month from out of state to visit. I think what happens is they get so used to us being there, they take us for granted. The one they see the least they are "nice" to for fear they won't come again--at least that's what I've come up with to explain my mother's behavior towards me!
My mother (with dimentia) went in the hospital for a total hip replacement in April and has been rehabilitating at a nursing home. She is more confused than ever, is mean and is giving everyone in the nursing home hard time.
I visit every day because I'm local, and when I try and tell her to listen to the therapist, she says she's going to kill me!
I have signed her up for long term care, she needs 24 hour care now,and I cannot provide that anymore. My sister said I guess it's up to you because you are the one taking care of her, (I think it was supposed to make me feel quilty) as she wanted me to get 24 hour in home care. But I know that my mother is beyond that. I'm going to do what I have to with no guilt, because I know that I took care of her as long as I possibly could at home. I told my sister if she wants to move her to MA and take care of her that would be fine with me. You guessed it she does not want to do that.
Good luck to all you caregivers, do what you have to do, knowing you did all you possibly could for your parent, and when it is time for them to have nursing home care---it's time---don't beat yourself up over it.

I would cry sometimes because my dad was being so mean. He would constantly say that he wanted to go back home (different city) or get his own place. He would tell me to get out of his room and spend time with my family (husband and kids). He would always get mad at me, give me the silent treatment, and resent me for helping him, because he was in denial and said he did not need help. I had to deal with this for 3 years (he lives with me). About 9 months ago, I could not take it any more and COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE, so i took him to a psychologist at the hospital that specializes in therapy with cancer patients. I pretty much explained to her, in front of him, how he treats me and how he made me feel. He responded positively and knew that he had to be better. He did better but it only lasted a month or so, and started to being mean again, not as bad but still.
Then one day about 6 months ago, he threw up blood, was hospitalized for a couple of days, and it scared him. He finally came to that realization that he is not this person that is immune to sickness or death, he became more humble and a loving dad. He says thank you, please, and appreciates me and my family now. He calls our home his home. I have to tell you that this has made all those years of tears and anger worth it. Even if it does not happen for you, please remember that it is honorable what you and I are doing, and it is the sickness and sometimes pride that make them treat us that way. Try not to respond with anger and try to say, I don't appreciate you talking to me that way, and walk away for a short while. This might backfire, because then he called me sensitive and making a big deal out of nothing, but at least you are trying to communicate yoiur feelings. You can't make them change, but what this is really doing is making us stronger people. And I have been told (don't know yet) that when my dad dies, I will feel good that I did everything I could to make his last days as comfortable as possible. And he will feel loved, whether he wants it or not! Even if they did not realize or appreciate it.

Can I suggest a wonderfully insightful book entitled: The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed by Jasmin Lee Cori. I have a mother, 88, who's emotionally incapable of letting anyone in her family help/support her, she's just not comfortable with accepting help. She has actually told me that accepting help would take her power away. According to the Jasmine Lee Cori, people who are not comfortable with others are usually the products of 'emotionally absent' mothers. Your brothers are probably less of a threat to her mental state. Family dynamics come under fire, as everyone often seems to be being 'played' by the senior, but I don't think it's really what's going on. Could be best to detach a bit, and perhaps just let your mother be.

All of you above: please read the entries for "How do you deal with a narcissistic mother". I hate to keep harping on this but this is exactly what you are dealing with and I knew this the minute you mentioned that you are the only one caring for your mother and that your siblings are always excused!! There is always a scapegoat!! Good luck to you..........

Dear Hannah44,

Thank you for your thought provoking words. It helps me just to know that others are going through difficulties with their elderly, mentally challenged parents and I'm not alone. When you wrote that your mother makes excuses for your brother's not helping her, I related totally. My mother defends my brother and sister no matter how much they ignore her, no matter that neither of them does anything to help her. I'll try to remember the song you mentioned the next time my mother is screaming abusive remarks at me. It just might help a little.

Dear MarciWriter,

I can relate! My sister and I have been the ones to help and care for my mom since our father died over 20 years ago. She's in assisted living now and we each visit her twice weekly; take her clothes home to wash (as she doesn't like them washed with the other people's clothes;) keep her supplied with personal needs and new clothes; arrange for hair cuts, manicures, pedicures; take her out to eat and to our homes; coordinate all her medical care; etc.

Our brothers visit occasionally and do small things for her when they go. My mom makes excuses for them all the time and it just kills us. According to her, they are so busy she really appreciates when they come visit. It's as if my sister and I sit on our duffs all day and have loads of free time. The simple truth is we have made her one of our priorities and they haven't. I know my brothers love her dearly and it hurts them to see her in someone else's care. It hurts me, too, but as an adult you have to put your own feelings aside and do the difficult thing - VISIT her; she needs ALL of us now not just some.

I've been told the same thing about "letting things roll off my back" or "just ignore her." These are bold statements from uninformed people who don't understand the aging process and what people with dementia need. Would they appreciate being ignored? I think not.

Finally, when things get rough I try to remember the lyrics to that old song, "You always hurt the one you love. The one you shouldn't hurt at all." Consider youself loved and deflect the stinging remarks by diverting your parents attention onto another topic. I also remind myself that getting old and depending on others for everything is something the greatest generation never wanted to burden their children with; much of their backlash comes out of frustration.

I know how you feel. My mother's emotional abuse of me is escalating every day.
It is beginning to destroy my self-esteem. My mother does not abuse anyone but me, so I get no support from my brother and sister. I am the only one who lives with her and takes care of her, yet she seems to hate me and adore my useless brother and sister. I am the only one who can see my mother's dementia, too.

I know how you feel. My mother's emotional abuse of me is escalating every day.
It is beginning to destroy my self-esteem. My mother does not abuse anyone but me, so I get no support from my brother and sister. I am the only one who lives with her and takes care of her and she seems to hate and adore my useless brother and sister.