I am a 42 years old man, never got married. I have been living and taking care of my parents all my life. I have one older sister, 13 years senior than me. She is married and she does not live with us.
My mom passed away 5 years ago, and my father is 89 years old. He had severe depression and diagnosed with diabetes when my mom dies. I quitted my full time personal support worker job in a senior home and do full time home based business ever since, so that I can take care of my dad. With my professional care on him, now my dad is very healthy. He is very independent at home. However, living with him has causing me so much pain and burden, subsequently feeling very depress, very helpless, feeling hopeless for my future and with an increasing desire to end my life before my father dies.
My dad is a very stubborn person. No one could ever change his mind. He refuses to attend any senior day care program at community centers, not to mention willing to admit to a senior home.
He has never been fair to me, favor only my sister. Throughout my entire life, my sister can shout at me, belittle me, while my parents never allowed me to fight back. My dad not willing my sister contribute any time to him, while he demands me to contribute my time on him with countless hours. He demands family union every single week - both myself and my sister accompany him and that the my suffering from my abusive sister and the lack of love from my dad become a package to taking care and livng with my dad.
He is also very controlling. He do the cooking, i.e. breakfasts and dinners. If I wake up late, he never have breakfast himself, he must wait for me and have breakfast with me. When I am busy not having dinner with him, he refuses to have proper dinner, but having instant noodles. These creates the feeling that if I do not accompany him to eat, he never eats or eats properly.
My dad is also very disgusting. He chooses to say inappropriate before others, so that he feels superior that no one would correct him because he is old.
To a point, I hate him so much that I could not eat just looking at him. I feel very guilty as deep in my heart, I want him to die, so that I can no longer suffer, but he is now extremely healthy and he never get sick. What if he has another 20 years to go, my life would be completely ruined. The hatred turns towards myself, I wish I would die soon that I do not need to see him and slowly I became heavily substance abuse - killing myself slowly.
Experts and friends, and advices?