What should I do when living with my Dad causing me major depression? - AgingCare.com

What should I do when living with my Dad causing me major depression?

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I am a 42 years old man, never got married. I have been living and taking care of my parents all my life. I have one older sister, 13 years senior than me. She is married and she does not live with us.

My mom passed away 5 years ago, and my father is 89 years old. He had severe depression and diagnosed with diabetes when my mom dies. I quitted my full time personal support worker job in a senior home and do full time home based business ever since, so that I can take care of my dad. With my professional care on him, now my dad is very healthy. He is very independent at home. However, living with him has causing me so much pain and burden, subsequently feeling very depress, very helpless, feeling hopeless for my future and with an increasing desire to end my life before my father dies.

My dad is a very stubborn person. No one could ever change his mind. He refuses to attend any senior day care program at community centers, not to mention willing to admit to a senior home.

He has never been fair to me, favor only my sister. Throughout my entire life, my sister can shout at me, belittle me, while my parents never allowed me to fight back. My dad not willing my sister contribute any time to him, while he demands me to contribute my time on him with countless hours. He demands family union every single week - both myself and my sister accompany him and that the my suffering from my abusive sister and the lack of love from my dad become a package to taking care and livng with my dad.

He is also very controlling. He do the cooking, i.e. breakfasts and dinners. If I wake up late, he never have breakfast himself, he must wait for me and have breakfast with me. When I am busy not having dinner with him, he refuses to have proper dinner, but having instant noodles. These creates the feeling that if I do not accompany him to eat, he never eats or eats properly.

My dad is also very disgusting. He chooses to say inappropriate before others, so that he feels superior that no one would correct him because he is old.

To a point, I hate him so much that I could not eat just looking at him. I feel very guilty as deep in my heart, I want him to die, so that I can no longer suffer, but he is now extremely healthy and he never get sick. What if he has another 20 years to go, my life would be completely ruined. The hatred turns towards myself, I wish I would die soon that I do not need to see him and slowly I became heavily substance abuse - killing myself slowly.

Experts and friends, and advices?

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Wow......you sound so much like my boyfriend except he is an only child and he is 52. He spent his entire life doing for his parents. He never married. His mother chased off the few girlfriends he had. He lived at home all his life. After his mother died it was him and his dad. His dad is 95 with dementia. Says very inappropriate things to people and constantly cuts down my BF. He also will not eat unless my BF eats with him--his way of making sure my BF stays put at home with him and doesn't go out and spend time with me. Or makes him feelvery guilty if he does. My BF says if it wasn't for me being in his life he would've lost it. But his dad is also controling and only lets him see me once a week, and sometimes only once every 2 weeks. I am at my wit's end. This has been going on for over 2 years. I know nothing will change until his father dies. I feel alone in this relationship. But I know if I break up with him it would probably be the end of him. I am his only outlet. I wish I knew what to do. His dad also refuses bringing in help from outside or going to a senior care facility. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not the only ne in this tye of situation.. Sounds like you need to get out for your own good. You have nobody to support you. At least my BF has me. Get help for yourself and get out. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse!
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Leave!
It is not selfish, it's taking care of your own life that was given to you.
You are a good man. Treat yourself better. I don't mean to say it's because you deserve better or you are not appreciated: you did what you did because you are a very good person. Now, be good to yourself; since you realize you have enough,it's still time before you disappear into nothingness. Your father, maybe not consciously, seems to be sucking the life out of you.
Go, don't accumulate more resentment, it just ruins you. Go with your head up, and run.
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I think I would tell him that unless some things change around there - like him at least going to a senior center during the day- you will find another place. I hope that you are financially able to find another place to live because I know lack of money can tie people down as far as being able to change their life. You deserve respect for the care you have given to your parents. You need to see a counselor to help you get any medication you need and to get off of the substance that you are addicted to.
Also, since he sounds like his mind is still good, you are not responsible for him doing the things that he knows he is supposed to do, like eating properly. It's time to think of yourself and not put everyone else ahead of you. I am trying to do this myself, and when you have been brought up to be the family fixer, it's hard to change - but you have to remind yourself to be firm and back away and let your father be responsible for whatever happens to him. Good luck
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I am a chronic depressive myself. It is very hard but you must set limits. You deserve YOUR life, not the one father and sister want to create for you. You are the only one who can take care of you. Someone else CAN take care of father, you have been a paid caregiver yourself, you know that. Take the nearest lifeboat and save yourself.
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you know i feelfor you... my mom cant talk and has dementia... and cannot talk.. i personally would not take care of her if she was emotionally abusive... you need to take him to a nursing home.... they wont get depressed or take it personally because its not their dad... you are being emotionally abuse and verbally ... you need to stop....your killing yourself emotionally.... and sounds like you need some professional help.....take care of yourself...no one knows how really bad it is but you... dont wait
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Thank you all for your caring and inputs.
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I think you've done more than your fair share, don't you? You rescued your father when he was bereaved, pulling him out of his depression. Arguably you owed him that, as a son doing his duty (there are other ways of seeing it, but this one gives you the credit you are due). He is now very well, and managing independently. He does not need you, and demonstrates this through his contempt for you and his lack of concern for your welfare. We could also address the attitude of your sister, but, really, does she merit it? What good has she ever contributed to your life? You do not owe her so much as a moment's further thought. Time to move on.

You have skills that are hugely in demand, and highly portable. I suggest you pack them, along with your belongings, and take them where they are wanted, appreciated, and properly remunerated.

Start by imagining what future you would like. Where would you like to live? What job would you find satisfying? Research opportunities that might fit the bill. Put your CV together. Start applying. Secure the post you want. Arrange accommodation, on a temporary basis until you find your feet. Then off you go.

These are the positives in your life:
1. You are a strong, capable, dependable and caring person.
2. You have a wealth of professional experience that will be valuable to an employer.
3. You have no personal or domestic ties. Repeat. You have no personal or domestic ties.
4. You are free to pursue any future you are capable of imagining.

The one thing you need to deal with first is the substance abuse. It's hard to say without knowing the specifics, but whatever the substance is there will be help available to you to leave it behind for good. Go online, research organisations relevant to your particular crutch, get their advice.

If you're afraid that it might have got too strong a hold on you, remember this. Research psychologists found that overcrowded, miserable rats would get drunk as skunks even though it poisoned them. Given good food and decent living conditions, they became happy rats who shunned alcoholic drinks in favour of plain water. Moral: get yourself to a better place, and you won't even want, let alone need, the crutch.

Please set yourself free. Good luck.
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Depression is bad enough when you are surrounded by love, but when you feel hate, you need to leave. Call the hotline as suggested, get therapy a job and move on. It is sad to leave your dad, but it is sadder to kill yourself.
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Do you have a doctor you can speak to- either yours or his? Please talk to a doctor to see about an antidepressant medication you can take. If you are abusing substances to self medicate contact the appropriate hotline (AA, NA etc) for help. Also check out the suicide hotline. It's not clear why you think you need to put up with this situation as it is now. With depression it's hard to make changes and you may need a friend or counselor to help you sort through what your options are and what steps to take. You don't have to live like this, and you have a responsibility to yourself and others who care for you to improve your situation. You can do it. You have permission to care for yourself. As they would say in Star Trek, Live Long and Prosper!
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It is depressing to live around a person who is depressed. Also, why don't you just leave and live on your own since he is so healthy and it sounds like can take care of himself?
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