How do I stop my MIL from constantly complaining about health ailments that she makes dr appointments for but never attends these appointments?

Then expects by demanding, not asking, that husband and me do for her what she claims not to be able to do, but she can conviently accomplish these tasks when she feels like it.

I clean her entire house.
I cook everynight for my husband and 13 yr old son.
Though I have made her aware multiple times that dinner is at 6:30 and leftovers are put away shortly after, so nothing spoils as WE do eat leftovers, even though she refuses to, she repeatedly texts my husband, from her bedroom always after 7 asking about dinner.
Or will just come downstairs sometime between 8:30-11 pm and complain that everything is put away.
Want to have extensive conversations while we are winding down and getting ready for bed.

She will complain that she's lonely but totally avoids being downstairs the hours we are active around the house... She comes down stairs between 8 and midnight (sometimes not even seeing her 13 yr old grandson at all) and doesn't go to bed until shortly before we wake up for the day.

We've tried talking to her about this, and she refuses, expecting us to accommodate her hours.
My husband works 9-6, my son has school and I work pt and even when I am not working, I have to keep with their schedule.....

MOVE OUT and get your own place....once again....children not being responsible for themselves....the co-dependency and the NEVER ENDS THESE DAYS....Otherwise, RESPECT HER HOME AND HER RULES and stop whining...
Deb RN
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to djjnurse

Move out.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to ZippyZee

It’s obviously not working out. You, husband, and son need to go.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to LoopyLoo

The first conversation should be with your husband. Your marriage is priority over his relationship with his mother. Then your husband talks to his mom about boundaries, not you. He needs to defend the boundaries or this arrangement will never work. MIL is only 66 years old! This could go on for years, degrading your life and your marriage. My opinion is that she probably won't change. If she doesn't respect the boundaries then another conversation with your husband needs to be had about moving out. Yes, he will need to chose and this may be very eye-opening for you. You may need to seek marriage counseling, of which I have done and am a fan.

Living in her house gives her the upper hand and your husband, and therefore you, will always be beholden to it. As she ages, her needs will only get more intense. In my own life it was very freeing to come to an understanding with my family that I no longer cared about them manipulating me through the threat of disinheritance. Once you kick this stool out from under controllers, things change for the better for you. Leaving her home does NOT mean your husband, or you, do not love and care for her. It DOES mean you and hubby have your priorities straight. And think about what your current arrangement is modeling for your son. You may not think he's paying attention, but as the mother of 3 boys, I can tell you with certainty that they ARE.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Geaton777

Where were you and your husband and son living before your FIL died? And how long ago did that happen?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Countrymouse

Move out!

Everything that you describe sounds like she feels that you need her and not her needing you.

Give her your 30 day notice and tell your husband that his wife and son are his 1st priority, not his mom. If he falls for her gaslighting then you may have to put your foot down and take your son and get a life. It won't take him long to figure out that his mom is unreasonable.

Best of luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

Well since you live in her house, I'm not really sure you have much of a say of what she does or doesn't do. You do however have a say in what you will do or not do, so when supper is put up and she texts your husband about it, have him text back that it's already put up, but she's welcome to come get some for herself, if and when she's ready. If you want her to change her behaviour, you must quit enabling her. And again, because it's her house, she really can do whatever she wants. If you're not happy with the way things are going, then perhaps it's time to be looking for a place for you and your family to move to. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to funkygrandma59

Well, I am so sorry.

But you are going to HAVE to have it out with her. And you need DH to 100% support you.

You're not running a 24/7 diner, and I bet when she gets up and you hear her rattling around your stress level hits the roof.

If she were an AWARE person, you could simply explain to her the schedule you keep in your home, and insist that she join in. It's not weird or brutal--it just is what it is.

IF she can't find it in her heart to join in, then she can move to some kind of home that she can act on her own biorhythms. (Laughing, b/c NH's run on a pretty tight schedule).

Too bad that SHE refuses to listen or accomadate your schedule. She's not the boss of the house (and yet, right now, sounds like she is).

If you are OK with her bring there if she simply follows the house rules--then give her a trial period. If she can't, then help her find a ALF or NH that will accept her.

I can imagine that your son has less than nothing to say to Grandma and probably feels put out b/c she's there, obviously bringing a lot of stress.

OOps--YOU live with HER? Shoot, just move out! A 2 bedroom apt would be preferable to this living environment!! (I know, easier said than done)
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Midkid58

So, no one is happy in this situation. Time for a new plan, one that involves not living in the same home
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930

You said "her house."

Are you living with her? Because if you are it's a "her house her rules" kinda deal.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Daughterof1930 Jan 14, 2021
I just looked at her profile, and the family is living in MIL’s home.
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