A year and a half ago my FIL moved in with us on a couple hours notice. We have never really liked eachother but it's what you do for family, right? I love my husband so of course we took this on.
My FIL has always been an "all about me" type of person. Always wants people feeling sorry for him etc Now he does have medical issues. He had bladder cancer and underwent surgery to completely remove his bladder a couple of years before he came to live with us. He is now cancer free. However he is having kidney problem with have left him with stents in both kidneys and bags on the outside to drain both kidneys.
We have pretty much turned our entire household inside out to keep him "happy". At first he was very active though he has always spent almost all his time alone in his room. We've tried repeatedly to suggest senior centers, he refuses to even discuss it. Though he has legitimate medical complaints that we absolutely pay attention to, this man is the very definition of a hypochondriac. If he sneezes he has a Pneumonia. Any and every possible illness he reads or hears about he is convinced he has, until he finds a new one. He is constantly finding something to complain about. We are never able to relax in our own house. We are stressed out all the time.
Over the last six months he's gone severely downhill. I honestly do not know how much is medical and how much is his state of mind and just wanting to give up. I do believe he has arthritis in his knees that is making walking hard for him, but my instinct and BS-o-meter just knows it's not as bad as he is making it out to be. We can't drag him out of his room. He no longer wants to go to the store for anything, he just sends us with a list.
My biggest problem is his hygiene and the state of his room. He won't shower anymore until my husband bluntly tells him he stinks and even then it's a matter of bothering him until he just does it. He has bags on both sides in addition to his Ostomy bag in front to collect urine. He won't walk one door down in the hallway to empty them in the bathroom. Instead he fills juice bottles and any other container he can find in his room and they sit and sit for days on end, sometimes longer. He evens has a walker right outside his room to help him make this very small trip. The entire back of my house reeks of his urine.
He also seems completely unable to throw any garbage in the large can we keep right there in his room. He sleeps in a recliner instead of his bed because his tubes hurt to much to lay flat. So his bed has become basically a garbage heap from all the wrappers and crumbs from all the junk food he insists on hoarding in there. He doesn't come out to eat, we deliver his meals to his room.
Now of course we do go in there and clean but honestly we're not his nursing or maid service. He should be able to use his garbage can, shouldn't he? I've tried overlooking the urine too and helping to dump it but honestly I just can't. I can't handle the smell, maybe that just makes me a terrible person.
What can I do? Part of me wants to just leave well enough alone and not rock the boat. But the other part of me wants to put my foot down and tell him that he needs to make a choice. If he can't help a little by throwing his trash away and actually emptying his urine in the bathroom then maybe he needs to go where he can have a full time nursing staff to help him.
Something has to change. I just don't know what.