So defeated. I met the love of my life two years ago and moved across the country to be with him. He lived with his father, but I understood this to be because he was single, and that we were going to find a place of our own to raise a family and grow old together.
Once here, I slowly began to realize that this wasn't going to be the case. This house is my husband's childhood home. It looks like it, too. His mother passed in 1993, god bless her, and it is like a museum of her. She was what I would call a light "hoarder" of nick nacks. They clutter every shelf in every room in the house, undusted and untouched since her death, random, ugly adhesive stickers mar otherwise pretty sliding glass doors with no sense of decorating rhyme or reason. Carpets are filthy, even her headbands, matted with decades of dust, still hang from knobs on my father-in-law's bathroom wall.
This is a house from the past, a house with a LOT of ghosts. My boyfriend has recounted horrifying things that happened here throughout his childhood because of his mother and father's turbulent relationship. It is amazing how those same horrible screaming behaviors seem to have gradually found their way into OUR relationship as well over time, when this is not the way I am and NOT the way I like to live.
My father-in-law has a rare blood cancer but is doing fine on that front. It is a mostly dormant cancer that will likely not affect his longevity. He demonstrates occasional dementia but is a very intelligent, highly-educated man who reads the NY Times every morning. He is 84.
He wakes up every morning and heads straight to his chair, expecting us to bring him a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee while he reads the paper. We are mainly responsible for providing and serving his meals, and taking his dirty dishes. He can do these things, mind you, it has just become a sort of expectation of his.
He also feels that this relationship consists of the three of us, or rather he and my boyfriend as the primary, me as the third. At least, that is how I feel. My relationship with my boyfriend has deteriorated over time, a huge factor being that we continue to live here. There is no real privacy except to retreat to my partner's small childhood room and close the door. I feel like I am in a prison!
We now have had a baby, who is 8 months old. The baby lives in the little room with us!
My father-in-law is so stuck in not moving forward. He won't let me remove the nick nacks to modernize the house or make it a cleaner place, everything is a throwback to the 60's and 70's (orange couch) but it won't ever change and he is thrilled with it. He hates the baby's swing, bouncy and other things being out in common areas yet we have no visitors and sometime these things save my life as a new mom. He likes to "position" himself in different areas that provide the best vantage points to the most places in the home so he can see much of where anyone goes and see what we do. He tends to watch shamelessly, which I consider nosy and rude. He honks his nose when he blows it, which is all the time. He passes long, horribly watery sounding gas in front of others and I am expected to have zero reaction out of politeness. I am supposed to care for him and his medical matters. I am supposed to solve every problem he works his way into. He is almost completely deaf yet wears hearing aids that scream feedback throughout the house. You must yell until you are hoarse for him to hear you. He is. ALWAYS. HERE. Always watching. Hyper-vigilant of the baby. The second he sees our baby even fuss, he over-reacts (not good for baby to get used to) and gets upset at me. He has antiquated notions of child rearing and inserts his opinions where they are not wanted (no, I am NOT going to stop breastfeeding at 6 months because you make a face and say that seems like "time to stop").
Did I mention that I moved here from my own home? I never would have come if I knew my life would have deteriorated to this.
THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE. I HATE THIS HOUSE. I WANT TO MOVE OUT!!!!
It has been two years! Although I really love him, I am finding myself starting to resent my father-in-law for what I see as the obstacle to my relationship, my happiness, my freedom, etc. That seems so wrong and unfair to me (for me to blame him) that I am considering ending my relationship just to get away. I know this is all stemming from the frustration of the circumstances and would subside if I had my own place. I just don't know how much longer I can do this.
My boyfriend and I are engaged. We are also expecting another child. His father has guilt-tripped him into staying here, or else my partner has some serious underlying issues related to his family and this house.
Either way, the time has come to go in one direction or another. This is consuming me. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Also,,fact is, if you are doing all that despite your health issues, you could be doing it for someone else and being paid.
Sometimes I enjoy making meals and helping in that sense but it's getting to the point where I'm very resentful and it's turning to hatred. I'm not like this so I don't like feeling this way. But his dad has ex wrapped around his little finger and I think he's playing us. He doesn't lift a finger to do anything, sits with his feet propped up and watches the same stupid tv shows day in and day out. I'm unable to work because of health issues and what I get monthly would barely cover rent someplace. He's extremely vain, has OCD real bad and thinks the world should bow down at his feet because he's 90. He's in fairly good health for a 90 year old but it's playing on mine. I feel like I want to end my life. I've talked to ex about this ( not the ending my life part) but he takes up for his dad and uses the excuse that he's 90 and that I should be more compassionate. I AM. I cook the meals,do the shopping, do the laundry-- and try to help out. I felt like it was my calling at first because I wasn't doing anything else but now I want out so bad. I can't even stand to look atthe old man.He's in better shape than a lot of people younger than him and ex keeps praising him on how healthy he is. Well, good for him, bad for me because my outlook is deteriorating and I have no place to go. I don't know if what I did was commendable or stupid. I made my bed and now I'm laying in it and am extremely depressed. His dad thinksof me as a replacement for his wife ( and he wasn't too nice to his wife when she was alive. He's a flirt, vain as h*ll and I resent him.
The questioner put herself into a situation involving eldercare. It is challenging, and rarely fun, I know this from experience. She brought children into the situation. She cannot expect the "FIL" to dry up and blow away, now that she and the boyfriend want him out of the way.
I strongly agree with jeannegibbs in that I would call social services and beg for help with an apartment and food and anything else they could throw in. I would get out of that house, cause if you don't you will lose your mind. Your boyfriend could come and see the family and your could travel to his house on occasion if you wanted to but it is someplace clean and dust free and where you can raise your children any way you want.
No one has to tell you that this was all a really bad move on your part to go stay with him in this situation then have two children on top of it and you have never even married this guy. If you were married and his Dad died you would be entitled to half of what he owns (at least in some states), now you probably couldn't get anything because HE DOESN'T WORK NOR HAVE AN INCOME.
Your entire story sounded so, creepy, to me in that it's almost like the Dad allowed you to come, to pacify his son, but at the same time you are both being used to be beaten down by this "intelligent man" and you are kind of like a slave being you are unpaid labor. I see shades of the "BATES MOTEL" in my mind.
I truly feel for you and I sure hope you can find a way to get out of there and hopefully your boyfriend will wake up, but what are you going to do if his Dad dies and he wants to continue to like in this filthy, untouchable house. And the yelling continues and he becomes his "father?" You both need counseling outside of the house and hire a care giver to come and stay with Dad so you can spend time together. Have you even told said boyfriend, you are considering leaving? What did he say?
Good Luck, you are in my prayers!
Sorry if this was even brasher than pstegman. Older women need to be honest with younger because we've been through these things already and know how badly things can go.
(of course I would check with a lawyer) My advice is move out asap. Either your boyfriend steps up or you step out. Stop being the victim here. Sounds like you are subjecting your child and future child into a dirty, dysfunctional household. Regarding of education, intents etc. you have a situation that needs to be rectify.
Regardless on whose fault it is, be an adult and take care of the situation. Good luck.
Take care of your kids yourself, with or without your boyfriend. Don't have a third child, in fact, you shouldn't have brought one into this situation. The 84 year old man has little to do with this.
You know what you want for the remaining 50 to 80 years of your life.
With children involved, there are more challenges than if you did not have children but you can meet them and I promise once you make the move and open yourself up for potential positive future, you will be surprised at the joy that exists for you and your children.
You know what to do...Take the first step by making a written plan of action for yourself, including place to move to, way of supporting yourself, establishing a support network of friends..
I know you can live happily ever after. I hope you will give yourself that chance... Nothing changes until you change something.
I wish you LOVE
Carol
My BF's dad's house is like a shrine to his mother, although not quite as bad as what you are saying. The house has the same decor---1960-ish, although the carpet has been replaced due to wear. Her bedroom closet and dressers have not been touched except for the cleaning lady to dust them. Heaven help you if you go within 3 feet of the china cabinet containing her prized fine china! His dad keeps 12-year-old jars of canned tomatoes in the root cellar because they were the last one she canned b4 she died. Some peole just can't let go. I feel that she did everything for them and they were too dependent on her. Therefore, they were totally lost after she died. They try to keep the house up exactly as she would've as if she was going to be upset with them if they didn't. Trying to please someone after they are dead????? Strange. But there really isn't anything wrong with honoring them in this way, I guess. I would say your situation is extreme, though.
My motto.....never get yourself in a situation that you can't get out of. And the fact that you have children with this man has majorly complicated matters. Always, always, always have a back-up plan. I know it's too late for that, now, but teach your children this. I am teaching my daughter, for sure! Never allow yourself to be financially dependent on anyone. You said you feel like you are in prison. I felt the same way in my 1st marriage. Independence is the key to freedom. It's the key to escaping the misery if things don't turn out like you thought they would.
I was lucky enough to be able to move back in with my parents after my divorce, go back to college, and get a very good-paying job sothat I could support myself and my daughter. I now have my own home and I'm financially independent. Is there any way you could do something similar? You may qualify for a government grant to pay your tuition. Worth looking into. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you, exept that you need to get out. However you have to do it, just do it. Best of luck to you.
Tell your 'man' that he either s***s or gets off the pot. Move out with his new family, make alternate arrangements for his dad, or you're out of there. Period.
Talk to a lawyer, arrange for child support and get the hell out of dodge. Unless, of course, you want this to be your life until your partners dad dies...which could be another decade or so.
It's time for an ultimatum.
You are the broom. And you are a broom with two little broomlets to nurture. Without being brutal, without being monstrous, start sweeping away all that dust. Transfer pictures to a place where they can be seen and explained to your children. Ask your FIL to tell you about them. Take useable items to a charity shop, where they can do some good. Take actual rubbish discreetly away, without comment. Put treasured items on a shelf for treasures. Bit by bit, sift and clean and polish. That house will look very different to everybody in it once you've got parts of it sparkling.
You are the mother of this elderly man's young grandchildren. You have a right to assert yourself as part of the household, and you will benefit him by shifting attention away from his late wife's memorial and on to his future legacy.
You don't have to do this overnight. Little by little is fine. But don't start with the "if only I'd known…" bit. Too late, chuck, too late. You've taken this job on, you're stuck with it, so you might as well make the best of it. Good luck, and come back often to vent.
I can't imagine why you had children in this situation, but since you did your responsibility to them comes first.
Good luck.
Tell fiancé the mother of his children needs to be his wife and he needs to be the head of his own household his childhood days are over. Unfortunately with a baby and another on the way you are not in a good position to better your own life you need to depend on your manchild fiance.
You are no longer a young unattached woman who can make unwise decisions. You are the mother of 2 children, you need to act in their best interest.
However, with children involved, you need to insist that you and your fiance visit a family counselor ASAP to help sort out what your options are (1) if you continue your relationship or (2) if you end your relationship.
Go to a counselor now! This situation is NOT going to get any better on its own, no matter how much you hope it will. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for the sake of your children. You do not want them to get caught up in this current dysfunctional situation and end up perpetuating this sort of family dysfunction into their own lives as they grow into adults.
Don't drag your feet about getting help! Think of your children . . . and of yourself. You are still a young woman with a long life ahead of you.
Get some couples counseling immediately. Or live with the mess you two adults have created and have pulled your child(ren) into. I'm old, but I just don't get the having kids out of wedlock when you've got all kinds of crap going on. You've created your own victimhood by having children without a good relationship set up with your fiance in your own place and a clear understanding between the two of you what your boundaries are with his father.
When I wrote my post I suppose my emotions got the better of me and things I have been holding in poured out. It has gotten to that point.
We are all well-educated and my partner was a business owner with his own home before he moved in with his father. My understanding was that it worked well for both of them, they kept each other company and I don't see anything wrong with that. I adored his father and cared for him without issue even when I became pregnant because the plan was always to get a home of our own and raise our family. My father-in-law was aware of this, also.
There is no secret to how I feel about this. It has gone on far longer than I ever knew it would or anticipated.
I'm sorry if the previous poster disagrees, but I do sort of feel like a victim in this situation. I feel like I have taken excellent care of someone who is not in ill health, who sees that we are creating a family, who knew that we were supposed to move out long ago, who knows that this is clearly creating strife, and yet who lays tremendous guilt at my partner's feet and, I believe, makes him feel like leaving the father would be an act of high betrayal.