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So defeated. I met the love of my life two years ago and moved across the country to be with him. He lived with his father, but I understood this to be because he was single, and that we were going to find a place of our own to raise a family and grow old together.
Once here, I slowly began to realize that this wasn't going to be the case. This house is my husband's childhood home. It looks like it, too. His mother passed in 1993, god bless her, and it is like a museum of her. She was what I would call a light "hoarder" of nick nacks. They clutter every shelf in every room in the house, undusted and untouched since her death, random, ugly adhesive stickers mar otherwise pretty sliding glass doors with no sense of decorating rhyme or reason. Carpets are filthy, even her headbands, matted with decades of dust, still hang from knobs on my father-in-law's bathroom wall.
This is a house from the past, a house with a LOT of ghosts. My boyfriend has recounted horrifying things that happened here throughout his childhood because of his mother and father's turbulent relationship. It is amazing how those same horrible screaming behaviors seem to have gradually found their way into OUR relationship as well over time, when this is not the way I am and NOT the way I like to live.
My father-in-law has a rare blood cancer but is doing fine on that front. It is a mostly dormant cancer that will likely not affect his longevity. He demonstrates occasional dementia but is a very intelligent, highly-educated man who reads the NY Times every morning. He is 84.
He wakes up every morning and heads straight to his chair, expecting us to bring him a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee while he reads the paper. We are mainly responsible for providing and serving his meals, and taking his dirty dishes. He can do these things, mind you, it has just become a sort of expectation of his.
He also feels that this relationship consists of the three of us, or rather he and my boyfriend as the primary, me as the third. At least, that is how I feel. My relationship with my boyfriend has deteriorated over time, a huge factor being that we continue to live here. There is no real privacy except to retreat to my partner's small childhood room and close the door. I feel like I am in a prison!
We now have had a baby, who is 8 months old. The baby lives in the little room with us!
My father-in-law is so stuck in not moving forward. He won't let me remove the nick nacks to modernize the house or make it a cleaner place, everything is a throwback to the 60's and 70's (orange couch) but it won't ever change and he is thrilled with it. He hates the baby's swing, bouncy and other things being out in common areas yet we have no visitors and sometime these things save my life as a new mom. He likes to "position" himself in different areas that provide the best vantage points to the most places in the home so he can see much of where anyone goes and see what we do. He tends to watch shamelessly, which I consider nosy and rude. He honks his nose when he blows it, which is all the time. He passes long, horribly watery sounding gas in front of others and I am expected to have zero reaction out of politeness. I am supposed to care for him and his medical matters. I am supposed to solve every problem he works his way into. He is almost completely deaf yet wears hearing aids that scream feedback throughout the house. You must yell until you are hoarse for him to hear you. He is. ALWAYS. HERE. Always watching. Hyper-vigilant of the baby. The second he sees our baby even fuss, he over-reacts (not good for baby to get used to) and gets upset at me. He has antiquated notions of child rearing and inserts his opinions where they are not wanted (no, I am NOT going to stop breastfeeding at 6 months because you make a face and say that seems like "time to stop").
Did I mention that I moved here from my own home? I never would have come if I knew my life would have deteriorated to this.
THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE. I HATE THIS HOUSE. I WANT TO MOVE OUT!!!!
It has been two years! Although I really love him, I am finding myself starting to resent my father-in-law for what I see as the obstacle to my relationship, my happiness, my freedom, etc. That seems so wrong and unfair to me (for me to blame him) that I am considering ending my relationship just to get away. I know this is all stemming from the frustration of the circumstances and would subside if I had my own place. I just don't know how much longer I can do this.
My boyfriend and I are engaged. We are also expecting another child. His father has guilt-tripped him into staying here, or else my partner has some serious underlying issues related to his family and this house.
Either way, the time has come to go in one direction or another. This is consuming me. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

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Just wondering how you are doing and if the situation has gotten any better, and if you are still living in your FIL's house?
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This story puts me very much in mind of another disillusioned fiance who had moved cross country to help care for a FIL. The couple were living in a basement apartment and the girl was completly ostracized and desperate to get out The father and son belonged to a religion where women were subservient and children absolutely obeyed their parents. The fiance had better watch out because that pair will slit her throat if she offends them so she would be well advised to stoped posting here. Wonder what happened to the other girl???????????????
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I have found support and i don't pay attention to stuff like that. By keeping the argument going, it's just fueling the fire. The best way to keep it from getting bigger is just to put it out.
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fossil, I'm so glad you came back. I know you'll find a lot of support here. We can rarely fix things, but it helps just to have sympathetic ears to listen.
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You go TOB! "Dusty" is either a troll, trying to stir things up, or a very disturbed person. Wait......if she's the first, then she is DEFINITELY the second. I personally do not sit back and watch my friends be attacked. Her post last week to pam was deplorable. Either way I pity her for her views and mental condition. We need an ignore button AC! I agree she NEEDS to hear the HARSH reality. WE do NOT need her BS adding stress to our lives. Go away PLEASE.
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You are right, it was harsh..... but that is one voice among many here fossil.... you will always come across situations like this, as it is a public forum..... but the trick here, is to read who supports you.... you doesn't judge you.... who send you hugs..... and I am happy to see you posting again.... maybe NOW we can address what your concerns are.....that's what we are really about.... just keep in mind.... that was one voice among many and the rest of us do not feel that way and welcome you... so thanks for taking the risk and coming back...hugs to you
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I saw that post after mine and I thought it was intended towards me! I was kinda speechless. I thought it was a prtetty harsh thing to say. This is supposed to be about support for each other.
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I get exactly what you are saying Book, my point was, that going on and on and on about one poster is more a reflection on the ones keeping it going...... since I feel this is my family, I would, in my own family, confront this situation..... we are never too old, too tired or too stupid to learn another way to handle things.... and yes, it should be addressed... I remember when you first came on AC.... something like this would have sent you running for the hills.... but as AC evolves, so does our communications..... I don't read her as a rule.... what I am more concerned about is that some of the people commenting are my friends... and don't like to think they would go after me like this if they disagree with something I say..... you know I am not a Pollyanna.... and I say what's on my mind and how I feel.... but one person is taking up a lot of precious time and energy here..... I just wanted the people I care about on here to think about that......
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The thing is - if a newcomer comes on - and reads the harsh words, and no one comments on it - the newcomer will think it's okay to say such things. If they see someone object to a person's harsh words, then they know that there are boundaries on what is acceptable. Not everyone has Facebook. This is still my first and only online forum/membership. I'm just soooo glad that when I first found this site, that I did not run into such shenanigans. I would have left this site.
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Countrymouse, it was meant to be harsh. Many here grew up with dysfunction. It does not give us the right to abuse others. I do not think it is okay how she talked in this thread after fossil posted. Perhaps I should have just hit the "report" link, but I am probably like the others here. The abuse I saw her dish out triggered a response. I do agree with LadeeM, though, to just ignore her. But I do hope that others who are reading report it when they see anyone doing abuse. It is okay to report what I did above, because it was meant to be harsh.
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Darn! I meant to write "lash out."
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When issues like this come up, I'm reminded of the New Yorker cartoon of two dogs who are leaning eagerly over a desktop computer, with the caption, "On the internet, nobody knows we're dogs."

We're a mixed community here, supposidly with one issue in common: that of caring for aging loved ones. Some of us are who and what we say we are. Some of us are not. Some of us like to stir things up and say outrageous things with no ill will intended. Others say hurtful things, probably because they're sick and suffering and they feel the need to last out. I say let it go. I get some very good suggestions here. The stuff that isn't helpful I ignore.
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Country I think it would be more helpful for dusty to stick with her care giving issues and if needed, respond to others in a positive way..

As LadeeM stated we are a family here, in my case a supporting one I don't conventially have.

My family means the world to me.. If you mess with them... It's gonna be a bad day for you..
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Jessie, that's harsh. When Dusty first arrived she explained some of her family circumstances, and - LadeeM - also that alcohol had been a devastating factor in the dysfunction. I don't enjoy the judgmentalism any more than anyone else does, but please be fair, and yes she does have direct caregiving issues she's struggling with just like the rest of us.
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ladeeM, your points are good. I do think we should ignore the apocalyptic goat. One thing is she admits she doesn't read the threads. She just comes in and talks. This thread is a good example of that. Her tirade was not even relevant to the new person who wrote yesterday about helping her ex with his FIL. And what a debasing tirade it was. I'm sure it shocked fossil, who was looking for support and got that nonsense.

As far as I can tell, the goat is not a caregiver. She is just an unemployed person living in her mother's house and views her with contempt. We never hear about any caregiving.
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Wow, what a mess !!!! It is apparent that 'dusty' feels she can say whatever she thinks and feels and does not do well with any one not agreeing with her..... I am also a recovering addict/alcoholic and I promise everyone here, I have never sat in a 12 step room where some of the things that are being said here, by 'dusty' are even close to true.....Just as I went to those rooms for peace, education, learning a new way of life..... folks are not allowed to pontificate their 'religious' beliefs....... I just see you 'dusty' as not liking yourself, and therefore have set us all up to make you right about yourself..... we can't get past all your 'noise' to even have a clue what you are doing here.... if it's to insult and put down, we get enough of that from those we take care of... so we certainly won't stand by and remain quite while you do what ever it is you are doing... ya, ya we know.... you are always RIGHT.... sorry you can't enjoy what this site is all about.... I have some awesome friends here.... very loving and supportive.... they educate me on my situations in caregiving, but more importantly I see them as WOMEN..... not just caregivers..... we all let our personalities come thru ..... and no, we are not ok with your words and your attitude.... but you just keep on 'dusty'..... and eventually everyone will just be quite when you post, when they realize that they are being made fools of by playing your game of getting to be right about yourself..... you and your constant need to be the center of attention, be it negative, absolutely lets me know you are an alcoholic... and if you really have 15 years, I would hope you would be more mature than what you are showing us..... I have 30 hard earned years clean and sober... and do not feel the need to pontificate to anyone to feel important.... in my own mind......

This is for everyone else.... please stop this mess.... she is triggering things in us and we are reacting.... she does not want help, she does not need friends, she does not want to be a 'part of' what we do here...... so let her be who she is..... makes me sad for everyone involved..... we all have such stressful lives, and so much to worry about..... a hundred years from now, will it REALLY matter what 'dusty' says????? NO.... personally it doesn't matter to me now...much less a hundred years from now.....

We are a family here.... at least to me ya'll are family.... and I tend to disappear when ugliness is happening.... the only reason I am even saying anything,,, I reached out to 'dusty' as one alcoholic to another, and got no reply.... her agenda has nothing to do with what we do here.... come on ladies....lets be proud to stick together and do the right things for the right reasons...... love you all and pray she receives no more attention..... thanks for letting me share.....
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Exactly!
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Yup, you're on the nose, as usual, Veronica. "Don't Feed the Trolls" is always good advice.
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I'm keeping out of this as well. I see some troll acivity in my rear view mirror
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Well, I was going to join in this conversation, but the reaction of one poster in particular turns my stomach - as it usually does.
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Shaking, when is the last time you admitted you were wrong? To another human being, in or out of the confessional? Forgiveness and mercy are as available to you as they are to anyone else, you know.

BTW, religious orders are NOT terribly likely to accept someone so they can abandon their children. Children form loving attachments to the imperfect people who are their parents, and severing them is devastating in any event.

I can fully understand you don't like getting this kind of feedback, but much of it has been delivered reasonably kindly and the cross talk around here seems pretty reasonable for an internet forum to me. We are serious too - examine your own heart and your motives first before tossing around words like "fornication", to someone who did not even mention sexual activity.
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That question was asked last March, not by the person who resurrected the thread yesterday.
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Amen, vstefans. We're all imperfect human beings trying to do the best we can.
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Shaking, Pam did pick a couple good verses. Read them and pray about it. You are not winning anyone for Christ this way. Remember how gentle Jesus was with most sinners, EXCEPT the hypocrites. ALL of our souls are in danger as long as we walk the earth. Think of St. Francis and what a gentle confessor he was. We need to be here to help not to scold and scorn. The give up the kids and get thee to a nunnery advice was way out of line. Harsh judgement and fear of it is exactly why people are not real upfront in the first place sometimes.
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You say that "horrible screaming behaviors" have found their way into your relationship with your fiancee. That means it's time for counseling for the two of you.

That house is not a healthy place to raise children. I'm thinking of mold and little nicknacks sitting within around within a toddler's reach that can be swallowed, furniture that can fall over and crush them as they start to walk, not to mention the bossy, constantly staring, critical grandpa. Where will the new baby sleep? In the same tiny room you share with your fiance and your current baby?

This is a mess, and you need an unbiased professional who is trained in family counseling to help you sort it out.
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Blannie, I feel the same way. Well said! No one has any right to preach to another, especially when posters are asking for concrete, issue specific advice not hell and damnation speeches.
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Shakingoffdust if I want a fire and brimstone sermon I'll go to church. In the meantime, please stick to the topic and keep your religious pronouncements to yourself. You're not in charge of everyone's eternal souls; we're each in charge of our own souls.
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shaking, you talk about how people talk bad at you, but you're the only person I see talking bad to people. You say that people write bad things to you, but you don't read them. So how do you know they are bad?

I'm not sure who you were writing to in this thread. The first post was in March. Today's posts were started by a different person. You seem to be writing to the March post. I don't know if they are here anymore. You know how people come and go as needed.

I remember once you wrote that you don't read other threads. Maybe you should ask yourself why. I don't expect an answer to this, since I suppose that you won't read it.
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My Mother used to tell me if I keep rolling my eyes they will stick that way. Sorry Momma.
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Thank you vstefans. I'm trying to put a plan into action. I just had a small meltdown earlier. I'm alright.
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