My 85 yr old mother is nearing the end of her life after battling several long term ailments. She has expressed her desire to die and stop “curative” treatment. I live in another country and don’t have the financial means to visit for a long period. I don’t have friends or family who I can stay with either. My mom says she wants me to stay put because she doesn’t want meto see her die and she has been pushing everyone else away as well. She says she doesn’t want visitors. We think it’s because she doesn’t want to be a “burden” and because it is so painful for her to see our grief.
I want to honor her wishes but I honestly don’t know if she TRULY wants to be alone or if she’s saying this to try to spare us or to try and be strong.
She is experiencing a lot of suffering and confusion. I feel like a monster for not going to see her. But I also suffer fromsevere lifelong depression and live in a place with zero access to mental health care and where I don’t have a support system.
I honestly don’t know what will tear me apart more - staying here or going to say goodbye. And I’m genuinely confused about her wishes. I don’t want to abandon her. I don’t want her going through all this completely alone (I have one relative who visits a few minutes a day but otherwise she’s totally alone trying to navigate all this). But if it would be more painful for her and she truly wants to be alone, I’d want to try and honor and understand that, even though it just feels wrong.
I am so confused and sad and sacred - for her and for me. I realize this is a very unique situation but I wonder if anyone has any thoughts or similar experiences to share?
As you say, and as we can acknowledge, there is nothing you can do from the other end of the world.
I live 800 miles away from my parents' house. Normally when I visited, I would spend all day at their home, sitting around the table, sharing meals, talking, for several days in a row, several times a year.
When I wasn't visiting, we had a weekly Facetime call. I was able to measure their decline up close, and I knew I was not inconveniencing them by being a "visitor" that they had to be awake for or entertain. We planned the calls to fit in with their schedule. We stopped when they got tired.
But my last in person visit, in August, was different, because my parents were different. They were both 92 with advancing dementia. My mom was exhausted, my dad confused. So instead of visiting with them all day, I did quick 20 minute visits twice a day for three days.
Then my dad's health declined rapidly. So I continued with the Facetime calls.
The night before he was to begin morphine (a month after I saw him in August), we had one last Facetime call. He could no longer speak coherently, but I told him I loved him and that he is a great dad. He made sounds like he understood. The reason I knew I had to have that particular Facetime call was because I had just spoken with his hospice case manager. She knew his time was limited.
Two days later he passed. I know in my heart and my gut that had I been there I would have been keeping him awake when he didn't need to be, or making him feel like he had to entertain me. I didn't want that.
If your mom is on hospice, like my dad was, please know that all her needs are being met. Communicate with her caregivers and anyone else with knowledge of her situation so you are more informed. And give the Facetime calls a try.
It seems like she's in the US in hospice care... in a facility, I'm assuming? If so, maybe you can talk to someone in the facility about resources to make your stay here more affordable to you. Sometimes local churches or synagogues can find volunteers for housing for you.
Does she have property or assets here? Who will take care of her final arrangements when she does pass?
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation but if you don't go, IMO you will always second-guess this decision. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you decide.