Living alone at 83. Any advice?

I know you got tons of good advise and many said, what does she want?

Well, if what she wants doesn't work for you and your family, you will have to look at needs and safety first. I know that lots of people try to run guilt trips on those that just can not take care of a parent in their home, please do not buy into it.

You have a special needs son that is numero uno on your and hubbies priority list, then you and hubby, then your other children and grandkids, then mom. I am not saying abandon her, I am saying you need to consider everyone, not just her wants.

If she has the money I would check into an independent living facility that has graduating levels of care, this way she doesn't have to keep moving as her needs increase and you are not at her beck and call 24/7, she calls an aid at the facility to meet her wants. Boundaries are so very important and our elder parents seem to have none. So we get the unpleasant task of setting and keeping boundaries in place, hard and necessary. You will be pulled hither and yon without them.

I hope you find a good solution for all involved, remember, change is hard for seniors and some kick and scream all the way. That's okay, gets their blood pumping and they will adapt, no matter how much drama and guilt they fling at you.

Has she always been some who likes to be alone? Or is her desire to stay in her room all day a fairly new thing? My mother started to spend an inordinate amount of time in bed and that was a warning flag. Sometimes, physical ailments and dementia can look like that. Doctors didn't pick anything up at that stage, but it wasn't long for my mom (2 years) to suddenly require hospitalization/rehab/nursing home. A lot can happen in the last half of one's 80th decade. My concern for you is the stress on you. If she moves to a trailer, will that add a stress on you trying to balance caregiving at two locations? Do you think she will do more activity for herself if she is living independently?

Tluther-
Now 87, I am glad that a year after my husband died, I voluntary moved to an independent living facility after suffering two falls on concrete surfaces, one in the path of oncoming vehicles. I feel secure knowing that the staff here will check on me if I fail to show up for meals, or assist me if I need to call an ambulance.

Dear Tulher, I went that route. I moved into a 55 and up mobile home Community . And boy I’m glad I did it. I had a big old house with DH. When his hips went and needed replacement it was so much easier to take care of. I don’t look back. No more painting, cleaning the pool. Stuff like that. The grass is cut for a fee of 3:00 dollars a cut. But I like to cut the grass, so I do that myself. I like  using the pressure cleaner to clean my house. And the people where I live are the best. Now I work full time, but when DH had his hip replacements everyone looked in on him. So yes I highly recommend it.P/S get a double wide, singles are too small. I have 1400 square feet with a screened in porch, it’s a 2 bedroom 2 bath. I love mine. It was built in 2006. Sky line made mine. 

I think the decision should be based on:
-What she wants
-Adapted to what you think she needs and what you foresee she’ll need.
-What you CAN do.
As we know, every person is different, young or older, so while someone can be 90 and sociable and active, someone else will enjoy being isolated, although isolation is never good. I agree with whom said that she might be isolated because that became the best and only way to live for her, since you’re focused more on your son and busy with other things, which is by no means a critic, it is totally understandable; I’m just pointing out that there’s an small chance that she’s always by herself because..well, she’s always by herself! makes sense?

Is there any way you could try getting her involved in any type of social activity beyond just telling her the social activity is there for her if she wants to? Maybe going with her and participate in something might encourage her! Or take a break from your own routine and go with her to get a manicure for example (even if at your expense).

I know that doesn’t exactly answer your question, but I’m thinking more about improving her quality of life..and yours. Beyond a place to live.

I did! but not into a 55+ community.

I moved my 83+ father from his home 3 miles away into a mobile home on my property. I was given permission by the county supervisors to house my dad in my front yard with the promise that after he passed, we would have the home removed after probate.

3 miles doesn't sound like a lot but the time and stress was taking it's toll on me. This was the ideal solution. He was able to continue living alone but I was there to assist him as needed. It worked fabulously until he decided to end his dialysis at age 88. By then his chronic pain was just too much and they refused to give him adequate pain control, prescribing 12 hour morphine - 1 daily. Even I can count to 2 and they refused to give him twice daily to cover a 24 hour day. How ignorant some doctors can be. It pushed poor Pop over the edge.

Anyway, the mobile home worked great and he truly loved it! I was able to place it in such a way that he could come out on his porch and not have to see our house. He had the illusion of total independence. He worried that we could see the mobile home all the time and I assured him, it was a comfort to know he was safe.

Good Luck to you! I pray it will work as well for you.

My father of 95 1/2 just moved into our home. He has been living independently for 6 years since my mother’s death.
I think the age of your mother is not the question but rather what she wants and how independent she is at 83.
My father is still very independent but needs help with meals, transportation, house cleaning, etc. he has some mild short term memory issues.
He only stopped driving about 2 years ago.
So if she is independent and enjoys living alone and you have some security in place for her as we did for my dad in case of a fall or other medical emergency then I would advocate for that.

Wow, I am 82 & in good health. I am caregiver for my 87 yr hubby who has alzheimers. We spend winter in So CA in a mobile park where lots of activity goes on & I love the activity while a I hire a caregiver. Keeps me young. It's a 55 & older place very friendly. You meet lots of people cause everybody seems walks their dog & close quarters in the park. I could eat 5 days a wk at senior ctr. & Trader Joes has good take home fold plus I can cook if I want. 83 if in good health can be fun years. Go to senior ctr & get her involved. Look into 55 & older active places.

I'm sure she retreated to her room because there's a houseful now. Not that she likes being alone.
I say offer her the mobile home and let her decide.
You do sound like a wonderful daughter to care so much for your mom to do that. 55 older parks do get them out and more sociable, get her meals on wheels also low cost and they check on her every day

Thanks CDNREADER that would be nice, but mom won’t spend a penny on anything not related to her own pleasure and even paying for a cab to take her to the doctor is an unreasonable expense. Just getting the physical separation across a house would be a dream. Right now all the bedrooms are in the same wing; so blaring tv, barking dog, and late night closet cleaning are our realities.

Dear Tluther,

There is so much on your shoulders. I have lived with my parent and was their full time caregiver. It's hard. I felt so responsible that it led to a lot of resentment. I hope you can get some additional supports even if you move to larger home with your mom.

Thanks for the helpful answers and points for thought. Some are just not do-able like buying a duplex or buying two houses together as we live in a resort area and those options are out of our budget. She is not welcome at my sister’s house long term nor would she go. But in really thinking through it; I realized that I would eliminate the close proximity annoyances she causes only to be at her beck and call 24/7 at her home. We have an adult handicapped son to also care for and I can’t take any more attention from him than I already do helping my mom. So I guess our original plan of buying a larger or better floor plan home is still our best option.

Tluther, it all depends on the person. My Dad was in his 90's but he became a fall risk so he hired Caregivers to be with him around the clock. But Dad didn't cook, clean, do laundry, paid attention to his pills, forget to use his walker, etc. so he needed that extra help. Eventually he moved to Independent Living, then onto Memory Care, it's good to have 24/7 nurse and Aides there to help if needed. He pretty much stayed in his room as he happy with his books and TV. He did go to his meals in the main dining room, just don't get in his way when he smells food :)

Yet my Dad's mother lived alone in her 90's in a farm house. She had no caregivers because she was still able to do all the housework, and didn't mind being by herself. She didn't drive, but since she lived in a Mayberry type of town, she could call the grocery store, give her order, and they would hand deliver. Same with the library.

My mother can and does still drive. Can still cook and clean, but rarely does living with us. She does not have any interest in socializing with people her own age and other than stare out the windows at our neighbors; stays in her room watching tv, crocheting, and shopping. We are her entire social structure; which is unhealthy for us and her. I had not thought about her needing a walker/wheelchair so that was a good tip. The biggest problem I see is she has a dog which she ignores most of the time and will have to take out on a leash. The community we are looking at has social interaction which she won’t want and does all the yard work.

It really depends on what your mother wants herself and her abilities now and what they most likely will be in the future..
Is your current accommodation likely to be big enough for your family if mother moves out or will you plan to move anyway.
A better option might be for the current home to be sold and something like a duplex purchased so Mom can have her own space but close enough if you have to care for her or move her back in with you and have the money to hire caregivers.

Cwillie has a good point about accessibility. My mother is now wheelchair-bound, but she used a walker when she moved into the MH. She had to have a ramp put up leading to her front door and a smaller ramp leading out to the back porch. The house has a big walk-in shower, which was critical since Mom was already unable to get her leg over the side of the tub. We put grab bars up. There's enough floor space for her walker or her wheelchair. The bathroom is narrow but she uses the wall and counter for balance and she's able to navigate it without her walker or wheelchair.

A 55-plus community will usually have lots of social activities. Mom's does. She used to ride her power scooter up to her bridge games twice a week. She stopped going because of her hearing loss now. Sadly, many of the people at her complex are shut-ins, or have become so, and can't participate in the many activities that are available.

Yes, I did this. The mobile home was in a community where my two older sisters already lived (separately), with their spouses.

There are a number of considerations with this. The first set are based on your mother's present level of functioning. Does she drive (i.e., can she do her own food shopping and errands)? Can she make her own meals? Can she clean up after herself? Can she deal with contractors such as the lawn and appliance repair people? If she has issues with any/all of this, is there somebody close enough, available, and willing to step in when she needs help?

Next consideration: she'll only be 83 once. Then she'll be 84, 85, 86, etc. Her abilities and skills will likely decline. Is the arrangement flexible enough to work when that happens? Once of the main goals in my mother's situation was moving her from a one-bedroom condo to a two-bedroom, two bath mobile home. This is crucial now that my mother is almost 87 because at this point, someone needs to stay with her at all times. One of her neighbors, who is a close personal friend of mine, needed a place after her living arrangement fell through. She lives on very little SS and was pleased to have a private bed and bath in exchange for looking after my mother.

Of course, over time, the looking after has greatly increased. She now has to make and bring my mother all meals in her recliner, and take care of all household tasks including laundry. Plus, Mom can't be left alone overnight because she falls. The housemate can't be there 24/7, so once a week or so I come visit, make my Mom's meals and stay in my friend's room overnight. I also take my Mom to all her medical appointments and do her shopping at this point.

Long story short, it can work. But it takes a lot of work to make it work, long-term. I think this is the best we could have done for my mother. She loves her home and her privacy. She sits in her recliner by her big living room window, watches tv and reads mystery novels. The housemate has a BF a few doors down and spends most of her time there except when she's needed at home. It's not perfect by any means but we make it work. For now. If my mother because bedridden or incontinent we'll have to go back to the drawing board.

In 1985 my grandfather passed pretty quickly. My grandmother was 81 and my parents assumed she "wouldn't live much longer". They moved her in. Grandma lived for another 16 years, spending part of the year at my parents' house and part of the year with one of her other children. Once she moved in, grandma became quickly dependent on my mom for all emotional support & friendship, and it put a major strain on my parents' marriage (for years). My mother says if she had to do it over again, they would have set grandma up with a little place of her own to encourage her to be independent and make her own friends.

My mom lived alone until she was over 90, age matters less than ability. I'm not too sure about a mobile home though, if you are making a move the smart thing is to plan for the needs of someone who may need much more assistance in the very near future, at the very least bathrooms and hallways/doors that are handicapped accessible and rollator/ wheelchair friendly, perhaps also a proximity to services like meal prep, medical assistance and the possibility of social interaction for the days she feels like going out.

How does mom feel about it?