Living alone at 83. Any advice?

How does mom feel about it?

My mom lived alone until she was over 90, age matters less than ability. I'm not too sure about a mobile home though, if you are making a move the smart thing is to plan for the needs of someone who may need much more assistance in the very near future, at the very least bathrooms and hallways/doors that are handicapped accessible and rollator/ wheelchair friendly, perhaps also a proximity to services like meal prep, medical assistance and the possibility of social interaction for the days she feels like going out.

In 1985 my grandfather passed pretty quickly. My grandmother was 81 and my parents assumed she "wouldn't live much longer". They moved her in. Grandma lived for another 16 years, spending part of the year at my parents' house and part of the year with one of her other children. Once she moved in, grandma became quickly dependent on my mom for all emotional support & friendship, and it put a major strain on my parents' marriage (for years). My mother says if she had to do it over again, they would have set grandma up with a little place of her own to encourage her to be independent and make her own friends.

Yes, I did this. The mobile home was in a community where my two older sisters already lived (separately), with their spouses.

There are a number of considerations with this. The first set are based on your mother's present level of functioning. Does she drive (i.e., can she do her own food shopping and errands)? Can she make her own meals? Can she clean up after herself? Can she deal with contractors such as the lawn and appliance repair people? If she has issues with any/all of this, is there somebody close enough, available, and willing to step in when she needs help?

Next consideration: she'll only be 83 once. Then she'll be 84, 85, 86, etc. Her abilities and skills will likely decline. Is the arrangement flexible enough to work when that happens? Once of the main goals in my mother's situation was moving her from a one-bedroom condo to a two-bedroom, two bath mobile home. This is crucial now that my mother is almost 87 because at this point, someone needs to stay with her at all times. One of her neighbors, who is a close personal friend of mine, needed a place after her living arrangement fell through. She lives on very little SS and was pleased to have a private bed and bath in exchange for looking after my mother.

Of course, over time, the looking after has greatly increased. She now has to make and bring my mother all meals in her recliner, and take care of all household tasks including laundry. Plus, Mom can't be left alone overnight because she falls. The housemate can't be there 24/7, so once a week or so I come visit, make my Mom's meals and stay in my friend's room overnight. I also take my Mom to all her medical appointments and do her shopping at this point.

Long story short, it can work. But it takes a lot of work to make it work, long-term. I think this is the best we could have done for my mother. She loves her home and her privacy. She sits in her recliner by her big living room window, watches tv and reads mystery novels. The housemate has a BF a few doors down and spends most of her time there except when she's needed at home. It's not perfect by any means but we make it work. For now. If my mother because bedridden or incontinent we'll have to go back to the drawing board.

Cwillie has a good point about accessibility. My mother is now wheelchair-bound, but she used a walker when she moved into the MH. She had to have a ramp put up leading to her front door and a smaller ramp leading out to the back porch. The house has a big walk-in shower, which was critical since Mom was already unable to get her leg over the side of the tub. We put grab bars up. There's enough floor space for her walker or her wheelchair. The bathroom is narrow but she uses the wall and counter for balance and she's able to navigate it without her walker or wheelchair.

A 55-plus community will usually have lots of social activities. Mom's does. She used to ride her power scooter up to her bridge games twice a week. She stopped going because of her hearing loss now. Sadly, many of the people at her complex are shut-ins, or have become so, and can't participate in the many activities that are available.

It really depends on what your mother wants herself and her abilities now and what they most likely will be in the future..
Is your current accommodation likely to be big enough for your family if mother moves out or will you plan to move anyway.
A better option might be for the current home to be sold and something like a duplex purchased so Mom can have her own space but close enough if you have to care for her or move her back in with you and have the money to hire caregivers.

My mother can and does still drive. Can still cook and clean, but rarely does living with us. She does not have any interest in socializing with people her own age and other than stare out the windows at our neighbors; stays in her room watching tv, crocheting, and shopping. We are her entire social structure; which is unhealthy for us and her. I had not thought about her needing a walker/wheelchair so that was a good tip. The biggest problem I see is she has a dog which she ignores most of the time and will have to take out on a leash. The community we are looking at has social interaction which she won’t want and does all the yard work.

Tluther, it all depends on the person. My Dad was in his 90's but he became a fall risk so he hired Caregivers to be with him around the clock. But Dad didn't cook, clean, do laundry, paid attention to his pills, forget to use his walker, etc. so he needed that extra help. Eventually he moved to Independent Living, then onto Memory Care, it's good to have 24/7 nurse and Aides there to help if needed. He pretty much stayed in his room as he happy with his books and TV. He did go to his meals in the main dining room, just don't get in his way when he smells food :)

Yet my Dad's mother lived alone in her 90's in a farm house. She had no caregivers because she was still able to do all the housework, and didn't mind being by herself. She didn't drive, but since she lived in a Mayberry type of town, she could call the grocery store, give her order, and they would hand deliver. Same with the library.

Thanks for the helpful answers and points for thought. Some are just not do-able like buying a duplex or buying two houses together as we live in a resort area and those options are out of our budget. She is not welcome at my sister’s house long term nor would she go. But in really thinking through it; I realized that I would eliminate the close proximity annoyances she causes only to be at her beck and call 24/7 at her home. We have an adult handicapped son to also care for and I can’t take any more attention from him than I already do helping my mom. So I guess our original plan of buying a larger or better floor plan home is still our best option.

Dear Tluther,

There is so much on your shoulders. I have lived with my parent and was their full time caregiver. It's hard. I felt so responsible that it led to a lot of resentment. I hope you can get some additional supports even if you move to larger home with your mom.

Thanks CDNREADER that would be nice, but mom won’t spend a penny on anything not related to her own pleasure and even paying for a cab to take her to the doctor is an unreasonable expense. Just getting the physical separation across a house would be a dream. Right now all the bedrooms are in the same wing; so blaring tv, barking dog, and late night closet cleaning are our realities.

I'm sure she retreated to her room because there's a houseful now. Not that she likes being alone.
I say offer her the mobile home and let her decide.
You do sound like a wonderful daughter to care so much for your mom to do that. 55 older parks do get them out and more sociable, get her meals on wheels also low cost and they check on her every day

Wow, I am 82 & in good health. I am caregiver for my 87 yr hubby who has alzheimers. We spend winter in So CA in a mobile park where lots of activity goes on & I love the activity while a I hire a caregiver. Keeps me young. It's a 55 & older place very friendly. You meet lots of people cause everybody seems walks their dog & close quarters in the park. I could eat 5 days a wk at senior ctr. & Trader Joes has good take home fold plus I can cook if I want. 83 if in good health can be fun years. Go to senior ctr & get her involved. Look into 55 & older active places.

My father of 95 1/2 just moved into our home. He has been living independently for 6 years since my mother’s death.
I think the age of your mother is not the question but rather what she wants and how independent she is at 83.
My father is still very independent but needs help with meals, transportation, house cleaning, etc. he has some mild short term memory issues.
He only stopped driving about 2 years ago.
So if she is independent and enjoys living alone and you have some security in place for her as we did for my dad in case of a fall or other medical emergency then I would advocate for that.

I did! but not into a 55+ community.

I moved my 83+ father from his home 3 miles away into a mobile home on my property. I was given permission by the county supervisors to house my dad in my front yard with the promise that after he passed, we would have the home removed after probate.

3 miles doesn't sound like a lot but the time and stress was taking it's toll on me. This was the ideal solution. He was able to continue living alone but I was there to assist him as needed. It worked fabulously until he decided to end his dialysis at age 88. By then his chronic pain was just too much and they refused to give him adequate pain control, prescribing 12 hour morphine - 1 daily. Even I can count to 2 and they refused to give him twice daily to cover a 24 hour day. How ignorant some doctors can be. It pushed poor Pop over the edge.

Anyway, the mobile home worked great and he truly loved it! I was able to place it in such a way that he could come out on his porch and not have to see our house. He had the illusion of total independence. He worried that we could see the mobile home all the time and I assured him, it was a comfort to know he was safe.

Good Luck to you! I pray it will work as well for you.

I think the decision should be based on:
-What she wants
-Adapted to what you think she needs and what you foresee she’ll need.
-What you CAN do.
As we know, every person is different, young or older, so while someone can be 90 and sociable and active, someone else will enjoy being isolated, although isolation is never good. I agree with whom said that she might be isolated because that became the best and only way to live for her, since you’re focused more on your son and busy with other things, which is by no means a critic, it is totally understandable; I’m just pointing out that there’s an small chance that she’s always by herself because..well, she’s always by herself! makes sense?

Is there any way you could try getting her involved in any type of social activity beyond just telling her the social activity is there for her if she wants to? Maybe going with her and participate in something might encourage her! Or take a break from your own routine and go with her to get a manicure for example (even if at your expense).

I know that doesn’t exactly answer your question, but I’m thinking more about improving her quality of life..and yours. Beyond a place to live.

Dear Tulher, I went that route. I moved into a 55 and up mobile home Community . And boy I’m glad I did it. I had a big old house with DH. When his hips went and needed replacement it was so much easier to take care of. I don’t look back. No more painting, cleaning the pool. Stuff like that. The grass is cut for a fee of 3:00 dollars a cut. But I like to cut the grass, so I do that myself. I like  using the pressure cleaner to clean my house. And the people where I live are the best. Now I work full time, but when DH had his hip replacements everyone looked in on him. So yes I highly recommend it.P/S get a double wide, singles are too small. I have 1400 square feet with a screened in porch, it’s a 2 bedroom 2 bath. I love mine. It was built in 2006. Sky line made mine. 

Tluther-
Now 87, I am glad that a year after my husband died, I voluntary moved to an independent living facility after suffering two falls on concrete surfaces, one in the path of oncoming vehicles. I feel secure knowing that the staff here will check on me if I fail to show up for meals, or assist me if I need to call an ambulance.

Has she always been some who likes to be alone? Or is her desire to stay in her room all day a fairly new thing? My mother started to spend an inordinate amount of time in bed and that was a warning flag. Sometimes, physical ailments and dementia can look like that. Doctors didn't pick anything up at that stage, but it wasn't long for my mom (2 years) to suddenly require hospitalization/rehab/nursing home. A lot can happen in the last half of one's 80th decade. My concern for you is the stress on you. If she moves to a trailer, will that add a stress on you trying to balance caregiving at two locations? Do you think she will do more activity for herself if she is living independently?

I know you got tons of good advise and many said, what does she want?

Well, if what she wants doesn't work for you and your family, you will have to look at needs and safety first. I know that lots of people try to run guilt trips on those that just can not take care of a parent in their home, please do not buy into it.

You have a special needs son that is numero uno on your and hubbies priority list, then you and hubby, then your other children and grandkids, then mom. I am not saying abandon her, I am saying you need to consider everyone, not just her wants.

If she has the money I would check into an independent living facility that has graduating levels of care, this way she doesn't have to keep moving as her needs increase and you are not at her beck and call 24/7, she calls an aid at the facility to meet her wants. Boundaries are so very important and our elder parents seem to have none. So we get the unpleasant task of setting and keeping boundaries in place, hard and necessary. You will be pulled hither and yon without them.

I hope you find a good solution for all involved, remember, change is hard for seniors and some kick and scream all the way. That's okay, gets their blood pumping and they will adapt, no matter how much drama and guilt they fling at you.

Mom - 92 lives in a MH by herself. Moved there when she was 85. She had given up driving just prior to moving to the MH. We live close by. Many MH parks where we live are in the rural section of towns. There is nothing going on for my mother to take advantage of. No one there her age. She has out-lived so many people. Life is very quiet for a person who thrives on social activities. Just make sure that where ever she goes, that social interaction is very important. My mother is legally blind and is dependent now for activities outside the home. She can’t take advantage of buses that would come pick her up at home. She is too vulnerable out there on her own. If we had to do it over again, we would have pushed for asst living facility for her. Hindsight is 20/20. We are called to do everything that needs repair around her house too. It’s really not the best of situations for her. But all these things need to be written down and weighed as to the pros and cons of the reality of continued life in an independent situation.

my mom at that age enjoyed her independence. she lived in her own cottage in her best friends back yard. i lived in the next state. i would go every few weeks and stay for a few weeks. i would cook and stock her freezer with cooked foods and made sure her pantry was stocked up as well. we did things together as long as we could. at 88 her health was really declining, she had a stroke, dementia was setting in because of the stroke and her age and could no longer manage on her own. she went to assisted living briefly and then a dementia care center where she ceased living at 89 years old. so while the mobile home sounds good to you, if i would have had a bigger home, or she, we would have lived together til her demise. these are precious years for both of you. your mom is good now, but in a blink of an eye that will change, and she won`t be able to be alone and now what? make your decision wisely so there are no regrets for you in the end. could of, should of, would of is too late now......

get the bigger home. she won`t always be sharp. lived it with my mom. at 88, a decision had to be made after a mild stroke. her cottage nor my home in another state was large enough for both of us. she ended up in assisted living where she was very unhappy and then a dementia care center where she died. now its too late for should of, could of, would of.....

Is there a possibility of adding on to your current house. A lot of people are adding "mother-in-law" suites to their homes. You can make it like a small studio apartment with just a small living space, basic kitchen amenities and a bathroom. You might even want a seperate entrance. Might be cheaper than trying to buy a new house and gives your mom (and you) some privacy. Depending on the size of your lot maybe you can purchase a basic inexpensive tiny house or convert a shed or garage into a living space.

This just made me think. How did we manage to share daily living when we were growing up? 5 kids, one profoundly disabled. Many trips to the hospital for my brother. Dad worked and traveled some. Stay at home mom. 4 bedrooms 1 bath. large yard. Dishes, diapers. cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work. Dad was in college when the first 3 of us were born, 11 months apart. My parents, as were my friends, were very active in our lives. PTA, trips, church, playing with us. They still had time for themselves to do things. I guess their lives were so full they didn't have time to think they were too busy or complain. No outside help. When things turned around I was sole caregiver for my mom, siblings lived out of state. I am so happy that I was able to see that my mom was well taken care of in the end. We had bought a house together long ago, didn't know then but it was a smart investment.

I am dealing with a similar issue as yourself with my 82 year old mom right now, although my mom had a traumatic fall.
My mom is not able to do as much because of 8 surgeries from her fall in the past two years. We try to convince her.. and her more elderly, younger husband, to consider moving from their cattle farm, but they refuse. 
As a daughter, my mom and her husband can barely drive, much less take care of their farm, so I feel helpless. I live in another state, so sometimes I have to be there for two months straight in order to help. It gets very difficult on my own body, helping do so much for my mom and her husband. 
We looked for Independent living places, and scoped out Assisted Living Facilities. Neither my mom, nor her husband will even consider moving, yet they know they can’t keep things up.
Mom refuses to have a caregiver come in to help because she is too stubborn & wants their independence. 
I get it, wanting independence, but you need to make a move BEFORE things get bad.
If I were you, I would find an Independent Living facility, that also has a Assisted Living Facility, and then offers an Alzheimer’s care attached too.
We were able to use the above sinerio with my 82 year old dad, and he blossomed in the Assisted Living Facility, and lived there for three years.
Daddy never had a lot of close friends growing up. But when dad was in the Assisted Living, lots of people became his friends. Dad felt he had a purpose in life at his Facility.
He felt like He was there to make people laugh & cut jokes.
My dad unfortunately had his organs shut down and passed.
But let me tell you, daddy was missed.
If you find a really good Assisted Living Facility that has fun activities, and Good Food ( that’s a big key,) then your mom would probably love it.
Hope this helps.
Now I need advice on how to get my mom and step- dad out of their home. Ha

Momsablessing, that sounds like my family when I was growing up, except there were 7 kids. Only one income, but it worked out more or less. Grandparents on both sides helped out financially and with some child care. I think it's just easier with kids. They play outside. They go to school. They can be sent to their rooms. They can be sent to their rooms without dinner if they don't clean their rooms, or for many other reasons. "Wait till your father comes home" is a real threat. Kids are used to being told what to do. Even in large numbers like we had, they don't revolt and try to take over the living situation. And, before you know it, the older kids are minding the younger ones, doing chores, helping with meals, running to the store around the corner to pick up bread and milk.

Elders have had a lifetime of being in control and many will try to assert that control in any environment. They want their own space and will try to take over your space to have that. They feel entitled to be catered to. They're not inclined to accept limitations and restrictions the way most kids do. Especially with their own kids, they feel entitled to take charge and assert their needs above all others.

One of my pet peeves about my mother is that she constantly interrupts me to do some task for her when she can see I'm in the middle of something else. Like when I enter her house and I'm unpacking the car and putting away the perishables and she immediately wants me to come clean up around her chair. I try to say "Ma, I'm a little busy here...." and she says "Yes but I need you to do this one thing." No sense whatsoever that she's dealing with another adult. Trust me, none of us 7 kids would have dreamed of behaving in such an imperious way with either of our parents. We'd have likely had our heads handed to us!

I advise buying a larger home. Your mom is an introvert. She isn't interested in socializing with other people. Her family is her entire social structure. She will be devastated if she lost you.

Wow! a lot to think about here. It touched a raw nerve with me.

One thing that so far I don't think anyone has addressed. If you do the mobile home thing, if you don't own the land rents can/and do go up and up. When your mobile home gets old, you can't move it because no other park will accept it. So, you are stuck in a park paying rent that keeps going up and unable to move it. Just like an automobile, the value of your investment goes down each year, whereas houses usually don't. So, you probably won't be able to recoup your investment.

I will be 84 next month and I get cold chills when you "kids" start talking about what you are going to do with mom or dad, like we are pieces of furniture or something. I love my kids but no way do I want to live with either of them. I would rather be homeless. If I was your mother I would be staying in my room all the time too. No house is big enough for two women. It sounds like you moved into her house and took over. I drive, volunteer with the Sheriff's Department, shoot, belong to a sewing guild. I also belong to a senior exercise group that meets 3 days a week. I don't always make it all three days because of having other commitments. My husband has Alzheimer's and I have no idea how long I can keep doing these things. But, I do know this, I want to be in charge of my life.

What does your mom want to do and staying with you doesn't sound like an option.

Wow! Lots of food for thought here. My mom has always wanted to be alone and have family in small doses. When we bought our current home; it was for retirement. Mom needed a place to go so we offered it to her. Alone 950 miles from us...it was her dream. When things changed and we found out we could move to our new home years sooner than anticipated; she was not happy as I had “promised” her she would be alone for 10 years. So isolating herself is nothing new. She hates people so she is NOT interested in any activities that involve people. I try to get her out a few times a month but then she will pull one of her diarrhea stunts and claim to be sick for days to avoid it. So I am certain she would cherish living alone. But the running back and forth would be a nightmare for us. She wants a granny pod in our backyard, but that’s beyond our budget and aesthetic. All she enjoys is sneakeating the junk food she buys when we are not home, spying on the neighbors and making up stories about them and watching 18 hours of tv per day. And it’s a shame because she has a lot of life left in her and could be spending it making memories.