Being with someone in the last weeks until death is an overwhelming experience, both physically and emotionally. You need a break to get over it, and in fact three weeks and all the work entailed is not even a rest, let alone a break. I am not at all surprised that you don’t feel that you can walk straight back into ‘normal’ life. Give yourself time. This does not mean that you don’t love your own home and husband.
I think you are grieving and need privacy and space in which for that to take place free from expectations and obligations in your own home. My father died about 3 weeks ago as well, and the first week all I did was sleep and reflect after his funeral. I went home after that, and honestly it’s been awful. I can’t get back to “normal” and I’m guessing that grieving takes a lot more out of us then even caregiving did. My heart goes out to you for your loss and your recovery.
I kept visiting my Dad's grave all the time for like 5 or 6 months after he died because I loved him that much. But after the 6th mth I didn't feel the need to visit as much. I guess I needed that much time to accept that he was in a better place and I have to go on with living my life, like he would want me to.
Ziggy and Alz- Very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 2 years ago Nov 11th. It took me quite a while to begin healing from losing Him. I loved him so much. I still have things that trigger grief and sadness. I have had several dreams about him this last week. It is so very hard and I am so sorry for what you all are going through. The loss never goes away it just becomes more bearable with time and the Lords help. I was lost for so long without Him. I still have my Mom, and so it made it difficult to grieve properly trying to maintain good spirits for her. But I lamented over hid death and felt like I was in a dream for such a while. But, please know it is normal what you feel and it will become easier as your heart heals. Praying for you
Thank you Smeshque. I’ve become even more afraid of losing my mom now even though I know she too will soon be succumbing to death by Alzheimer’s. That’s a whole other part of my caretaking “ journey”. The physical, emotional, and psychological toll my parent’s caretaking has taken on me has been huge. Adding my dad’s death to it has thrown me into a tailspin. I want my nightmare to be over but fear that all that’s happening is one awful thing is trading places with another and then it repeats with my second parent.
Hang in there Alz. I understand a lot of you feelings, truly. I am even more afraid of losing my Mom as well. It's terrifying to me if I let myself think of the grief to come. I just love her so much and to the best of my ability to have no regrets. It takes a toll. I try and stay in the moment, to try and enjoy it before it passes and I miss it. The Lord is my strength, lean on Him. He can bring us through anything. I know this is so physically,emotionally and spiritually, exhausting. But by the grace of God go I
I think you'll go home when you're ready to do so. If you aren't home yet, it's because you aren't ready to be there. Just let it be that and suspend your judgement about it. Take some breaths and decide to savor the time you get to spend there if you're finding it comforting.
Grief has substance and a presence of its own. I don't think I've ever seen anyone successfully manipulate it into a convenient form. I've seen people busy themselves beyond what is immediately necessary, as if to hold the experience at bay. It doesn't work, of course, because everyone has quiet moments when it will show up and demand attention. I've seen people become completely inert and unable to do anything else while they find their way to a new way of being in the world. I've seen people try to "act as if" to satisfy some peer pressure to demonstrate how well they're coping because they feel they have a reputation for being "so grounded" to live up to. They then break down at the most unexpected times.
I've had many losses in life and I've experienced each one differently. You are having your own particular experience unique to your dad's passing. It doesn't have to unfold a certain way. If it starts to feel like it's complicating your life in dramatic ways then you can seek some grief counseling. Otherwise, linger for a while if your life can accommodate it. When you start to feel ready to move ahead slowly, perhaps it would help for you and your husband to plan a short get-away as an intermediate step to returning back to your house.
During my mother's 12 year fight with cancer, I naively thought that I was prepared for her passing because I could anticipate death as her ultimate outcome. It was the moment she died that I realized that no one can be prepared for the loss of a loved one. That's the part that begins the moment the world changes because they aren't in it. You spend the rest of your life working on your new relationship to the world. Time is your friend, not because you miss them less, just that you have more practice learning to carry the loss.
ziggy, and azlh, I’m so sorry for your loss (and dread of future loss). You deserve compassion and sharing in person as well as from this site. I like individual sessions with a counselor. People say such good things about grieving support groups - please consider trying that!
Such wonderful replies above. I haven’t lost either yet, they are divorced since I was young, but they seem to be declining on a similar schedule and I will likely lose both near each other. ziggy, does your husband come see you where you are? It may be nice to invite him if not. To echo what someone said above, try not to add judging yourself on top of things. Be patient with yourself. God bless.
I am sorry for your loss. My mom passed on nearly 3 years ago after 19 months of being bedridden in my home. One of the hardest things for me was her own condo across the street. After she passed on I sometimes felt she was still over there and it took about a year and a half to feel the new owners belonged there. I never could go into the guestroom she had in our home when on hospice, and not think of what happened there, and for a long time I would go into the room and talk to her though she was not there. I finally after about 2 years came to terms that she was now safe in Heaven and not in that room where she had such a rough decline. It helped me to look at photos of her life before her decline and realize again that she had a full, interesting life before. It took time for me to process all of this and what happened, her decline and passing on. What you are experiencing is normal and you are tired from the caregiving and tying to process is all. Give yourself time to process, realize you were a good caregiver to your dad, and you will head back home when the time is right. Your dad would want you to continue on with your life after you did so much for him.
Ziggy, you don't say if this is your childhood home... or if it is a place where your mom lived, too. Those factors will add to the length of time you grieve, not just for your dad, but for all those other memories of times gone by. My own experience has been that it does get better each day- it's not that you stop thinking about them, it's just that you don't think about them every moment. There comes a day (soon, I hope) when you will go whole hours of being free from that grief, and during those hours is when you find it's easier to deal with the normal, day-to-day things you did before their passing.
Perhaps start by going to your own home for longer periods of time, or inviting your husband or friends to come to dad's to help you start going through some of his things. Little steps.
My mom died in 1989 and my dad in 1999. When he died, it was up to the four kids to go through the house and take whatever they wanted to have. We invited all the grandchildren and great grand children, too. I decided I wanted their bedroom set and moved it to one of the bedrooms in my house and set it up like my mom kept it all the years I was growing up. All the old family photos are in the dresser drawers, etc. Sometimes I go into that room just to think and reflect about my parents and grandparents, cousins and old acquaintances. I say prayers for these departed people and thank God for having them in my life and for all the love and guidance they gave to me.
Perhaps you could do something similar--bring a little of that house to yours.
When I think of that home where I grew up, I would like to go back and visit and be in my old bedroom again, but the house was torn down, so that is not a possibility. But, I do have my mom and dad's "bedroom" in a sense and that is satisfying. Now I am wondering where it should go on my passing as my wife and I get up there in years. Does someone else, one of their grand kids perhaps, want this trove of memories?
My mom died in 1989 and my dad in 1999. When he died, it was up to the four kids to go through the house and take whatever they wanted to have. We invited all the grandchildren and great grand children, too. I decided I wanted their bedroom set and moved it to one of the bedrooms in my house and set it up like my mom kept it all the years I was growing up. All the old family photos are in the dresser drawers, etc. Sometimes I go into that room just to think and reflect about my parents and grandparents, cousins and old acquaintances. I say prayers for these departed people and thank God for having them in my life and for all the love and guidance they gave to me.
Perhaps you could do something similar--bring a little of that house to yours.
When I think of that home where I grew up, I would like to go back and visit and be in my old bedroom again, but the house was torn down, so that is not a possibility. But, I do have my mom and dad's "bedroom" in a sense and that is satisfying. Now I am wondering where it should go on my passing as my wife and I get up there in years. Does someone else, one of their grand kids perhaps, want this trove of memories?
Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to go through the cycles of loss. Don't let your intellect control your heart's feelings or define what they should be.
Sometimes we cannot move forward until we come to completion with our past. It is important to accept that you are human and not expect perfection from yourself at this time. Accept that we all hold back our true feelings from those who are too weak to handle them or from those we do not want to hurt. When we hold back, we are hurting our own heart in order to protect the other's heart. Forgive yourself for holding back your heart's feelings (good or bad). Forgive yourself if you feel that you did not do enough. You did.
Write your dad a letter - handwritten, not in the computer - and express all the unexpressed words, feelings and emotions that you could not tell him throughout your life which may be keeping you in a holding pattern. Own them. Express them in writing. Fold the papers and put them in an envelop. Seal it and write his name on it. Put the sealed envelop in a sacred place for 24 hours - an altar, where he sat or next to his photo. Then, burn the envelop. Fire releases our pent-up expressions on the energetic level and transforms our state.
I offer you my heart's sympathy and blessings towards your new life.
I'm sorry I haven't read the other replies but I think that the longer you put off returning home the harder it will become - it's kind of like when you returned to your parent's home after going away to school or returning to work after a long vacation or having kids - there is a disconnect and everything that once was familiar feels strange - the only way to get over it is to just do it. I'm not saying everything will be the same as it once was, we can't turn back time, but once you are more settled into your proper life you will gain a better perspective on what you need to do and how to move forward.
We all grieve in our own way. Each time we grieve is different. A few suggestions follow. If possible, take an item of your Dad's that is meaningful to you and take it home with you. This may ease the transition. When my husband died, the teddy bear, who was banished from the bed when we married, was back in. He was a comfort to me and took up space, thus making the bed less empty. I wrapped him in one of my husband's shirts for a while. I also wore one of his shirts around the house. If you are not going home at all, them try going home for just an hour a day. Spend time with your husband during this time. Try to talk to him about your Dad and your feeling. If you can't resolve this, please check with your health insurance about seeing a counselor or go to the grief class others mentioned. Please take care of yourself.
hi I got a question I need help with. my Medicaid card and my Molina has my regular last name Weinstein on it . but on my picture id it has my married name which is muller so I want to know if I will get into trouble if they ask me for my picture id. just when I got a picture id they told me I had to use muller.
Can I suggest you have a bit of a clear out? All furniture and household stuff (its not personal) if no one in the family want it, donate it to a place for battered women or the homeless, heart foundation etc. Pick your Dads favourite. I am sure he would LOVE the thought of his stuff being appreciated by someone else.
When we did mums stuff. All the clothes (except for a few specials) went to charity shops.
The personal stuff eg. necklace, rings, watches, handbags, special ornaments etc. Was spread around any and all family as a memory keepsake of my lovely mum.
What ever you do will be right BUT dont leave it too long as you have your own place.
You haven't said good-bye yet in your heart - make a start by going to his grave & telling him you now have to move on - give your self a deadline of say 1 month after he died to return to your new reality of life without him
I know of someone who won't spend any of the money left by her parents even after 20 years plus because that would mean that they are really dead so she pretends that as long as she doesn't touch 'their' money then maybe they aren't truly gone
Hang in there, pray often.I know,Oh how I know.
Grief has substance and a presence of its own. I don't think I've ever seen anyone successfully manipulate it into a convenient form. I've seen people busy themselves beyond what is immediately necessary, as if to hold the experience at bay. It doesn't work, of course, because everyone has quiet moments when it will show up and demand attention. I've seen people become completely inert and unable to do anything else while they find their way to a new way of being in the world. I've seen people try to "act as if" to satisfy some peer pressure to demonstrate how well they're coping because they feel they have a reputation for being "so grounded" to live up to. They then break down at the most unexpected times.
I've had many losses in life and I've experienced each one differently. You are having your own particular experience unique to your dad's passing. It doesn't have to unfold a certain way. If it starts to feel like it's complicating your life in dramatic ways then you can seek some grief counseling. Otherwise, linger for a while if your life can accommodate it. When you start to feel ready to move ahead slowly, perhaps it would help for you and your husband to plan a short get-away as an intermediate step to returning back to your house.
During my mother's 12 year fight with cancer, I naively thought that I was prepared for her passing because I could anticipate death as her ultimate outcome. It was the moment she died that I realized that no one can be prepared for the loss of a loved one. That's the part that begins the moment the world changes because they aren't in it. You spend the rest of your life working on your new relationship to the world. Time is your friend, not because you miss them less, just that you have more practice learning to carry the loss.
Take gentle care of yourself.
Such wonderful replies above. I haven’t lost either yet, they are divorced since I was young, but they seem to be declining on a similar schedule and I will likely lose both near each other. ziggy, does your husband come see you where you are? It may be nice to invite him if not. To echo what someone said above, try not to add judging yourself on top of things. Be patient with yourself. God bless.
Perhaps start by going to your own home for longer periods of time, or inviting your husband or friends to come to dad's to help you start going through some of his things. Little steps.
Perhaps you could do something similar--bring a little of that house to yours.
When I think of that home where I grew up, I would like to go back and visit and be in my old bedroom again, but the house was torn down, so that is not a possibility. But, I do have my mom and dad's "bedroom" in a sense and that is satisfying. Now I am wondering where it should go on my passing as my wife and I get up there in years. Does someone else, one of their grand kids perhaps, want this trove of memories?
Perhaps you could do something similar--bring a little of that house to yours.
When I think of that home where I grew up, I would like to go back and visit and be in my old bedroom again, but the house was torn down, so that is not a possibility. But, I do have my mom and dad's "bedroom" in a sense and that is satisfying. Now I am wondering where it should go on my passing as my wife and I get up there in years. Does someone else, one of their grand kids perhaps, want this trove of memories?
Sometimes we cannot move forward until we come to completion with our past. It is important to accept that you are human and not expect perfection from yourself at this time. Accept that we all hold back our true feelings from those who are too weak to handle them or from those we do not want to hurt. When we hold back, we are hurting our own heart in order to protect the other's heart. Forgive yourself for holding back your heart's feelings (good or bad). Forgive yourself if you feel that you did not do enough. You did.
Write your dad a letter - handwritten, not in the computer - and express all the unexpressed words, feelings and emotions that you could not tell him throughout your life which may be keeping you in a holding pattern. Own them. Express them in writing. Fold the papers and put them in an envelop. Seal it and write his name on it. Put the sealed envelop in a sacred place for 24 hours - an altar, where he sat or next to his photo. Then, burn the envelop. Fire releases our pent-up expressions on the energetic level and transforms our state.
I offer you my heart's sympathy and blessings towards your new life.
Can I suggest you have a bit of a clear out?
All furniture and household stuff (its not personal) if no one in the family want it, donate it to a place for battered women or the homeless, heart foundation etc. Pick your Dads favourite.
I am sure he would LOVE the thought of his stuff being appreciated by someone else.
When we did mums stuff. All the clothes (except for a few specials) went to charity shops.
The personal stuff eg. necklace, rings, watches, handbags, special ornaments etc. Was spread around any and all family as a memory keepsake of my lovely mum.
What ever you do will be right BUT dont leave it too long as you have your own place.
Take care of yourself
Buzzy
I know of someone who won't spend any of the money left by her parents even after 20 years plus because that would mean that they are really dead so she pretends that as long as she doesn't touch 'their' money then maybe they aren't truly gone