Do you live with your aging parent and have a home health attendant? Advice needed.

Well, I suppose depending on where they were and what he bumped and what she bumped in trying to stop his fall, that could have been loud without actually Dad landing on the floor.

I also suppose that she wants to keep her job and she wouldn't want to admit to a boss that she let her client fall, (especially to a hysterical boss).

How should you have handled it? Here is one better scenario, in my mind:

You, racing into room, putting hand over heart: "Oh my goodness! I am so glad to see things looking normal! I heard loud thumps and I was really worried. Whew! What happened?"

HHA: Your Dad was reaching for something and lost his balance. He started to fall but I was right there. I stopped him from falling, but we did bump into a few things!

OR

HHA: I'm afraid that your Dad fell when he was reaching for something. I was right there so I broke his fall and his landing was not very hard.

You: I'm glad you were there for him. Did you notice if he bumped his head on anything?

HHA: I'm sure he didn't. He did hit his shoulder pretty hard on the railing, though.

You: Dad, when you are through in here HHA and I are going to look you over and see if you have any bruises. HHA, please call me when he is ready.

That is one way I imagine would have been better. It is not how you handled it and it is not how HHA reacted. So now we know that you are both human and neither one of you perfect. I hope that doesn't come as a big shock. :-)

Very often fear is expressed as anger. That was a pretty frightening noise you heard. Cut yourself some slack for reacting with some hysteria.

Personally, especially if this HHA has been doing an acceptable job, I think I would apologize. "HHA, I'm sorry I shouted at you this morning. I was so worried about Dad I guess I got carried away." Then drop it.

It is a fact of life that old people fall. They fall at home and in care centers. They fall alone and when someone is with them. Unless they are actually pushed, it is seldom anyone's fault.

What to tell your siblings? You know them and their likely reactions. I think I would mention the fall but not the drama. "Dad had a falling episode yesterday. He seems fine, we don't think he hit his head, but he has a big bruise on this left shoulder blade. His behavior is his usual, but I'm keeping an eye on him."

Some people are trained to remain calm in crisis situations. Unless you have had training as a first responder or an ER staff member or a kindergarten teacher your "calm" button probably does not immediately kick on. I'll bet you'll get a little better at that as you have more experience. But don't beat yourself up over this event!

Too comfortable is the key phrase ...Blessed and thank you for your advice.

I'm a Caregiver by trade for over 20 years. And a lot of them get too comfortable. They sometimes tend to take over the patient. Because you did not hire her, does not mean you can't talk to her. That's some of the issues. She knows your not going to say anything. Say Something! They don't know if you don't say.

Yesterday an incident took place and I really would like feedback from other caregivers on how I should have handled it...I was working when I heard a very loud noise that sounded like someone was falling down the stairs, I hung up the phone in the middle of my call and raced upstairs. My father was already upstairs in the bathroom complaining as usual, but I looked at the HHA and asked in a near hysterical tone "WHAT HAPPENED !!!" at first she didnt answer...so I asked again, " WHAT HAPPENED I HEARD A LOUD NOISE !!! I DID NOT IMAGINE IT !!!" Finally she says Dad almost fell but she caught him... I still wasnt satisfied and told her: WHY DIDNT YOU JUST SAY THAT INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE IM IMAGINING THINGS..." Then she gets a serious attitude tellng me not to shout at her etc...I think Dad did fall.. but I cannot prove it because that noise was very loud.. I know I could have handled it in a less dramatic fashion. But should I tell my siblings this happened...

I live with my father and I hired someone to come here every Saturdays from 830am-3pm. Father never liked her from the beginning and wanted to fire her. I told her in the beginning that I am the one hiring her and even if father fires her, I'm in charge. She was great in the beginning (last year). Now she's slacking off. Father complains that she takes 2 hour naps and then disappears outside. She has started her garden in our yard. She's been coming here late now. I keep telling her that I work at 830am and expect her to be here by 815. She doesn't listen. Twice she told me that since oldest sis is here (sis watches father Mon-Friday from 8am to 630pm. she has off when I get home and the weekends) to let her watch father until she comes at 845am or 10am. I have told her several times that that is why I hired her. It's not working. She's still doing things her way.

I am now actively looking for someone to replace her. She has gotten too comfortable with us and is setting her rules of when she come here. I need to dig up some phone numbers given to me by an acquaintance.

What I'm trying to say is.. if the paid caregiver knows that we're softies, they will walk all over us. Even when I confronted her about her duties (be inside with father) and consistently arriving late (so I'm late for work too), she still does things her way. Why? Because I'm all talk and no action. So... as soon as I find someone, I will tell the current paid caregiver that she's no longer needed.

And I agree - if your siblings refuse to give you the authority to rule over the house -including the paid caregiver - then you're just another caregiver in their eyes. They don't appreciate you being there with your father. Ideally, your siblings would agree to give you authority. Then either have a phone conference with them, you and the paid caregiver (or an actual meeting) and they tell her the situation and understand that she's being disrespect to you and not doing her duties, etc.. And it's up to you whether you want to keep her or not. At the moment, it doesn't look good for her. Then they tell you both that you both need to settle it between you - but that you have the ultimate decision to keep her or not. That should shock her into reality or not...

Toomuch4me -
Tell us about your siblings who hired her. Do they want you to be miserable and humiliated? (My best friend's siblings WOULD want her to be miserable and humiliated, so tell us if that's the case.) We all want you to talk to them, and put an end to her A-H ness and petty tyranny. HHA's aren't that hard to find. Good ones may be harder to find, but with any new one, you could lay down the law on day one. This B-h is now untrainable because she has gotten away with it for so long.

Honestly, being around her is going to ruin your health and shorten your life. You deserve better. Please call your siblings and tell them you need a change now. Otherwise, you should run away from Dad and let them make other arrangements for his care.

When she says, I don't like being bossed around, reply "Really? Then why do you boss me around? If you are not willing to do your job as I ask, you should find another job. That's how jobs work. You get paid to do what your BOSS tells you to do. I live here. I'm not the employee, you are." When she gets angry, say "Mary, you seem to be upset. Would you please step outside until you are calmer? It is upsetting Dad and me, and we both need a peaceful home."

When she says, "I'm not cooking, You cook!" Ask her, "Isn't cooking part of your job? Why are you telling me to cook? Why would you think that it's all right for you to give ME orders?"

If it turns out that your siblings have given the HHA from hell the idea that she can act like this, then you need to let them decide how they will care for Dad without your help, and Get Out. God bless you.

Tell your siblings it's not working out with her. Then tell your Dad she quit or the company needed to move her ...

My siblings hired our weekday HHA and she hired her friends to work the weekends. I dont pay her and she knows that. She thinks she rules the house. The moment she walks in she heads for the kitchen and starts throwing things away (without asking) taking ites out of the garbage (that I have thrown away) rearranging items etc. Granted Im not the most organized, but its important to check before doing things in someone elses' home. The other morning she walked in and I had started fixing breakfast for my Dad. Instead of her sitting down and waiting for me to be finished, she starts making something for herself to eat and having an attitude. If she is instructed to do anything she gets angry and says "I dont like being bossed around !!!" Yet she readily tells me "Im not cooking ..you cook

I would take control of the situation immediately. You have not said who is in control of the hiring of this person. It is someone with a power of attorney? You could start taking control by giving her a list of what you need and expect/ do not need or expect. Like boxes of kleenex- (my dad goes thru a box a day)
Make a budget for her, get the reciepts. start returning the excess back to the store. I did this once! If there are no reciepts, take the stuff back and get store credit. She will get the message. Get some good ear plugs, if you are not on the phone all day. (or tutoring at home, etc.) Give her written warnings with a 30-day review. Start acting like you have some authority over the situation. If you believe it; so will she!

I work full time at home and pay a friend to assist during heavy work hours. I get up very early and work 3 hours..........then wake up both my inlaws, change them, dress them, feed them,....then I run back downstairs to work for another 2 hours while they sit at the table and watch television. At lunchtime.........I do the same and then run back down to work for another 2 hours. Then I come back up for the evening. I get called back upstairs frequently for "bathroom issues."
During my busy season, I hire a friend to stay with them from 9 am till 4 pm. It's just way too expensive to pay for any more hours than that. And we make it work one day at a time. Outside activities are difficult because they are both totally incontinent and in wheelchairs. One is 24 hr oxygen, the other has Alzheimers.

Have a caregiver trying yo tell us when he would work and for how long. If your dad likes the caregiver, then it is time to have a review of her contract. Did you hire her or did she come from an agency? If you hired her then let her know you appreciate her and the special talent she has for caring for the elderly. Although you have thought of a couple of things that could assist you......approval for any discretionary spending, discuss outside activities for your dad and assist with a schedule. This is a tough job for you to provide someone, but at the same time you are the employer. Rules and expectations must be set and let her know since you are working during the day at home that you need some things done to assist you to better your work environment so you can focus on your work and not have to worry about dad

Yes. The aide is there to care for your father AND to take the burden off you. Let her know that if she interferes with your work then you will have to quit work and she will lose her job, so she needs to do what she can to keep you working.

To clarify one point, if she is no longer there 24 hours, is she being paid for 24 hours or 8 hours? I think you should tell her to work 10 hours, at least!

Is she a friend of the people who hired her? Who hired her? Can you talk to them? You are naturally very grateful that they have provided a person, but the HHA needs to understand that YOU are her employer in the home. Her job is not to care for you and your needs, but it is to care for your father so that you are 100% free to work and earn a living while she is there.

I like writing dialog for people. If you have trouble thinking of how to respond to her, give us a few specific examples of things she says and does, and I will make some suggestions.

Am I wrong, or are you a person who tries to be considerate all the time? Are you baffled by her behavior, because she is so inconsiderate? Maybe if you can get into the right mindset, you can become more comfortable setting boundaries with her.

Talk to the person who did hire her. Explain that you are very grateful for help, but you need to come to a better relationship with this HHA. Would they please tell her that she needs to take work direction from you each day?

Thank you Jeanne. He likes her alot. However there are times when I believe that she thinks she is in charge of the household instead of assisting. Since I did not hire her there is only so much I can say. Since you worked from home did the HHA feel as if she were doing you a favor ...I find I get the unspoken attitude of "well you're here so..."

Does your father like this HHA? If so, try to work out a better understanding with her. Otherwise I'd get a new person and spell out the requirements from the beginning. How many hours is she being paid for? Make it clear that you run the show during those hours. You provide a note with the activities for the day each morning; she asks you if she would like a change in plans. One of her jobs is keeping the volume down in the house.

I too worked from home while caregiving my husband. Our aide was fabulous. She got him up, helped him bathe, got him dressed, teeth clean and hearing aids in. She did his exercises with him. She took him for walks. They did jig saw puzzles together. I know they are not all as good as ours was, but you need to have one that is at least satisfactory.

On the loud television -- I couldn't work with that, either. I got a wireless headset for hubby -- he liked that he could hear better, and could even keep listening when he got up to go to the bathroom. :-)