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I just admitted my mom in an Alzheimer's unit in a nursing home. My mom is still walking and alot of them are in wheelchairs and not very coherent. The staff said she was doing great and already had made friends. Today was my first visit after her being there only a week. When she saw me she said, I want to go home. She has lived with me for the last 2 years. I was upset because she did not have a bra on and they said it must be in the wash. She is not incontinent and she had a pull up on. She didn't carry on any conversation with me, she just wanted to go. She kept saying she wanted to go see her mom. She was not happy, but seemed mad. I feel like I am responsible for her happiness, but you are the only one who can make you happy. She was getting very hard to handle and not in reality. She fights them to get a shower, but was fighting me at home. Not eating much at nursing home, but would not eat much for me either. She was starting to not want to stay at my house, but wanted to go home. She has only been in a week. It seemed like when she saw me it upset her more. Im wondering if they do adjust or just keep wanting to go home. So very sad and upsetting to see her in this state, but she was only pacing and tearing magazines at my house. One minute she said she was having fun and then the next saying I hate these people. Hard to figure out a demented mind.

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I agree with Chicago about the clothes. She may be fighting the clothes so the do their best with the least upset. Sometimes they have to choose priorities.

It takes time to settle into a change like moving to a nursing home and everyone is very different so no one can give you a timeline.

It sounds as though your mom has dementia of some type. Her wanting to "go home" is probably more about something in the past than the home she just left. Home signifies safety and caring for most people and she may be thinking of her childhood home.

You did the right thing. Keep tabs on her and work with the staff. Expect this to be hard. Some days will be easier than others. Make sure she gets the right medical attention and that she is safe. Hold her hand, talk softly with her and be as gentle as possible even when she is upset. Living in a world of dementia is confusing and frightening so try to remember that she's not acting this way on purpose.

Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
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My grandmother had Alzheimer's for 7 years. In the beginning she thought she was a young teenager and kept wanting to leave her apartment and go home to the house she grew up in because her father (who was long deceased) was expecting her home. We never worried about her happiness since there was no way to comply with the one thing that would make her happy. The house she grew up in was no longer even there. We did everything we could to keep her safe. You are trying to do the same for your mom. This disease is heartbreaking, making little room for happiness.
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Sujean,

You are not responsible for your mom's happiness. Just as you are not responsible for her sadness. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself.

This is a period of adjustment not just for your mom but for you as well. Moving is very difficult on our elderly loved ones and if our loved one has dementia that makes it all the more difficult.

You made the right decision for your mom. You recognized that she needed more assistance than you were able to provide. That's a very difficult decision to make but you did it because it was in your mom's best interest. That's what a good daughter does.

I know it's tough right now but your mom will adapt. I'm willing to bet that the staff is going out of their way to get her involved in activities everyday which will help her meet new people. You might get the "I hate it here" speech but the second you're gone, you will probably come to find out, she's fine.
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I agree with the "I want to go home" obsession. They want to go back in time. They want to be mom's little kid again. Work with the MD on finding the right meds to make her happy. Tell her she is at her new home, with new friends. Tell her you love her, kiss her cheek, sing her favorite song, and go.
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I wouldn't worry about the bra or the Depends. Perhaps they were having difficulty getting her dressed.

I know these patients say that they want to go home, but as you noticed she was speaking about her mother. I have seen cases where the family moved the patient home - and she continued to say the same thing. Home to them, means getting their life back.

She will probably become more at ease, as time goes on. At least you know that she is safe and isn't going to turn on the stove or wander away.
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as well as sports, pull over the head, bras, there are some camisoles with built in bras and also some with ruching which give decent support. I have a couple I can use without a bra and they are very comfortable

I agree with the others re giving her time to settle in and also that going home is likely not to your home.+

Take care - transitions are hard.
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True, you can't necessarily make another person happy, especially if they are determined not to be or really not going to be able to adjust to adverse but unavoidable changes at all. But, don't be TOO quick to assume its just typical Alz related - maybe they are a cookie cutter kind of place where they just assume everybody is incontinent, who cares if you have your bra on, there are times when a different place will be better. Found that out with my mom for sure - it was not totally rational why she did not like the one place, BUT nevertheless she was much happier at a different one that was more to her tastes rather than mine. Ask the staff what's up with that and observe a little more before you decide - it is not always easy.
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I'm saying, do your best to figure it out, and sure, try to provide for things Mom might still enjoy, have good visits, etc...but if it turns out she's as happy as she's going to be anywhere, tell yourself you've done what you can.
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You live your life with happiness when your mother is not happy because you have probably been blessed with health and loved ones who really need you. You may have a spouse. Or kids or grandkids or dear friends. All of whom are to be enjoyed and loved. When we angst about our parents, we cant be good spouses or parents, relishing the joy of the present. She will adjust and settle in. You can be loving and caring and help her without sacrificing the joy of your daily life. Don't let this difficult stuff rob your family of the fleeting joy in life.
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My dear- you said it yourself- it's hard to figure out a demented mind.....just that- you can't, so stop trying . This is one battle that can't be won. It's as though your Mum/friend, whatever just went away, and a stranger was put in place of them. In essence, that is what has happened.....the new person won't do as the old one did, at least not most of the time.........not to just be awkward- but because they truly don't know something else is expected of them.

You have to adjust your own way of thinking- you are entitled to happiness, and if your Mum is unhappy, you aren't to blame for that or for her inner frustrations.Neither is she, but she really needs to be in the care of a place that can deal with it..wherever she will be, she won't feel as though she belongs there- because she doesn't realise that her perception of things is skewed.....

Be glad that she is somewhere safe, and give your self permission to have a life- that is why you are here, after all......God bless, and help you find a quiet place inside yourself.
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