Has anyone had to deal with a live-in mother that disrespects their home and basically trashes it? - AgingCare.com

Has anyone had to deal with a live-in mother that disrespects their home and basically trashes it?

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I moved my mother into my house to help take care of her, but she hoards things and makes cluttered messes everywhere she goes so much so that you can't even clean under things anymore. It's just piles or junk everywhere. I basically just live in my bedroom now and only come out to eat and go to work. My house is no longer mine and I will have to make major monetary investments to sell it one day. She's completely ruined the floors and spare bathroom. Her dying cat urinates anywhere it wants and even bringing up the suggestion of putting it down causes my mother to go into crying tantrums. She threatens to move out when I bring these things up and tries to play the guilt trip that she needs help and nothing is her fault. I just can't take it anymore. I want to move and never come back, but it's MY house. My mother pays for nothing.

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check with social services - my mom gets less than $1000 per month and has her own apartment. There is a senior service that is $2 per ride that she takes to the doctor. She is on Medicaid and Medicare for healthcare etc. She gets food stamps. Your mom can find a way to live - there are programs. Get her out of your house.
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I would try to confirm what is going on with your mom. Is she seeing a doctor for any particular condition? Is she depressed? I'd explore if medication could help her feel better. If she's hoarding, it's considered a mental health issue. It's not a moral issue, but a medical one. I'd ask the doctor for options on how to address it.

If it's not a workable situation with her living with you, then, I'd assess if she's able to live alone and take care of her needs and the cat's. Call your local counsel on aging or social services to get info and to see what is available for those with income restrictions. If there is no real viable way for her to set this up on her own, find apt., pay rent, utilities, etc. ,then, I'd try to help her get it arranged. Continuing the struggle or war on words won't help. Just try to get it worked out, so both of you can find some peace.
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Checking out the low income senior apartments that freqflyer had mentioned would be a good start. I would also check her Medicare or Medicad coverage to see if there is something like an aid to help her out a couple times a week for a few hours. I do see a need for a social worker to be involved because of her hoarding. That's why I recommended looking into an aid. Is there an underlying history of mental illness that goes along with hoarding?
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Daughter9999, as for your Mom's hoarding, I am learning with some elders, the more stuff around them makes them feel safer,  a cocoon effect.   Thus, if Mom does find a rental, make sure it is small, she will feel more comfortable.

Time to stand up to Mom and tell her it is YOUR house, YOUR rules.   The clutter has to go, or she will need to move.   The deadline will be March 31st.   If Mom does nothing, then she will need to leave.   I know she will throw a fit, and if she does, turn around and walk away.

Check to see if there are "senior apartments" where the rent is based on one's income.   She might be able to budget so she can live on her own with low rent, and enough left over for food, etc.   Plus she will be around people from her own generation.

As for the cat, what is the health issue of the cat?   Peeing all over the house, could mean the poor thing could have an urinary tract infection which is treatable.   Some cats will squirt on the wall to get the owner's attention that they need some medical help.  Mom or you need to get the cat to the Vet.
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My mother used to live with my sister for a long time. She was very abusive to her. Siblings aren't an option for help now.
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Do you have siblings?
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She can't afford it. She only gets $1,000/month social security to live on, has no means of transportation, and is in poor health. I'm stuck between trying to stay sane and trying to still make sure she is healthy and doesn't fall or forget to take her meds or do something else to injure herself. I can't even imagine trying to pay for rent, food, and all other expenses on only $1,000 per month.
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Does your mother go to the doctor? If your mother does, maybe they can help you out somewhere. If you get nowhere with the doctor, call Social Services, APS or the Department of Aging and see what help they can give you. But let your mother know that she has to start cleaning up her mess and get mental help if she wants to continue living with you. If she won't, she needs to go. I know it's harsh but you can't live in your house that she and her cat have trashed. Would you be able to fill up a few garbage bags of her junk and throw it out?
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When she threatens to move out, let her.
Take her for a tour and free lunch at a nearby assisted living facility. She might even want to go.
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