Live in caregiver not doing duties. What can we do? - AgingCare.com

Live in caregiver not doing duties. What can we do?

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Caretaker not feeding nutritional meals, not doing expected chores in and outside, lawn care. Stays drunk and high in garage. This 99yr old lady fell last night AGAIN, HE was drunk in bed. Wouldn't help her, she pushed her safebutton, aide car came and got her up. HE NEVER WOKE UP. THIS has happened repeatedly. He is paid plus all living and food expenses in home. HE has her convinced that if he goes family will put her in an assisted living home.


NOT TRUE, they will stay with her AND seek another in home caregiver. He is a 2x's CONVICTED felon rapist, (not on sex offender list it was before that, in 70's. He is making MOTHER BELIEVE HE LOVES HER. Mother is steadily declining mentally but is AFRAID WITHOUT HIM, she will be forced to leave the house. She insists on keeping this worthless conman. He buys what he wants to eat and feeds her ensure. Very SICK SITUATION. He recently groped her 80yr old friend. Friend is scared to report that to not upset MOTHER. Mother knows this happened. Friend will no longer come to visit in her house. MOTHER is being brain washed and used. Mother thinks he is "boyfriend" and is in love with him. He has been charged a couple yrs ago using phone to ask random ladies sex questions. Mother paid for the attorney, she paid his fine he was on probation. He is 68 lived there for 16 yrs. The family can do nothing, even after fall last night (documented) She won't throw him out. We have no say. We have all grocery receipts, not nutritional diet, candy and Ensure. She pays him $1000 a month. What can we do?

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Sounds like a case for Dr. Phil
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Reply to CaregiverL
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I appreciate your quick, helpful and concerned responses. Along with ideas going forward to not feel hopeless & helpless to her co-dependency he's influenced on her. Being 99, viable,is truly a blessing, partly why this fake relationship, neglect, Fraud + seeing moments of decline along with unhappiness on Mother's face when this conman let's her down. The Fire Chief rescue had to cancel PD call because Mother wanted him there.
He never came out of his room visable to the EMTs. Chief did advise to try to get her out of the situation. WHEN she'll ever gets fed up or falls and REALLY injures herself or a Dr can recognize the help she needs and isn't getting. Believe me, the FAMILY is upset and there's always a new something he has done, from being openly rude to refusing to mow Mother's once beautiful yard(part of his defined and agreed job), which she still enjoys gardening the flowers.

Mother is scheduled for the Dr ck up, in 3 days with a referral to a neurologist for his overview and diagnostics. She has become increasingly forgetful, and not capable to be left to live alone. She is very active with crafts and card playing get togethers with other ladies. 2-3xs a week. None of the ladies know this pukes history, expect the children and now the FRIEND, (she's not comfortable making a report.) APS has been called, haven't heard anything for a week. ? Don't know how they work. She does have a financial overseers. TY, AGAIN, EVERYONE. I'm open for any additional ideas.
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Reply to Outside2018
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Outside,
You were right to seek help, as her son.
I wrote you a private message.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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You say that when Mom fell and he was drunk and asleep, an aide car came to help her up.

Surely, that person is a mandated reporter.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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People say, "Follow the money".
If you can persuade Mom that she needs financial accountability and assistance paying her bills, you can become POA.
Once the money is cut off, this sociopath will be leaving.

As POA, you no longer pay him as a caregiver, but instead, fire him and charge him rent. Dear sob, effective Sept. 1, the rent will be $1,000 per month. When he puts up a fuss, you explain that he loves her, and cannot be a boyfriend and a caregiver.

Find a proper caregiver now for Mom, part-time to start, turning into more hours later. Once Mom understands that she can get her needs met, likes having a real caregiver, she will give up the con-man. You may find her grateful that you saved her and protected her desire to stay in her home. "Mom, we want to help you stay in your home". Let us help you arrange your finances so that will be possible", you say.

This scenario happened to my own Mil, but when he was arrested and gone (with great efforts by family) it was: "He was not that bad", You try to control everything I do!" "It is your fault". Lol.

This after so many desperate calls about him, complaints, fears, etc. We had to take her away for a few days it got so scary for her. His "explanation" for his arrest and court date, he told her, and she believed him: "He was in the wrong place at the wrong time".
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Reply to Sendhelp
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Whew. She's 99yo (and I assume has some level of dementia...?) and he has been there the past 16 years. I fear for HER, if there is a sudden change.

But if she is in danger due to not having proper in-home help, then she'll have to go somewhere else, anyway. I'd call APS and see what they determine. If they determine she is at risk, they will order changes. Also, just having APS come around may get this lowlife to shape up... at least long enough to look after her another year or two, which might be all the time she has left.

It's unfortunate situation because sure doesn't sound like she's getting adequate care or that he's capable of providing it.

But she's 99. And if she's getting by in her own home and she's used to him, I'd be concerned about making a big change.
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Reply to AliBoBali
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Who hired this man? You need a lawyer to get him out.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You state that she is declining mentally - is there any way you could take her to her primary doctor for a referral to a neurologist for an assessment? Explain her symptoms and that you feel she is in an unsafe living environment with someone who has a substance abuse problem. Maybe you could call the doctor's office ahead of time to just tell them your concerns privately. They would not be able to disclose your mom's health info if you are not on the HIPAA form, but they could relay the information you give them to her doctor.

I would also explain the same thing to APS and tell them too about the fall. If they show up over there and he is drunk, if she is frail or having difficulty mentally, they might very well categorize that as neglect since he is supposed to be her caregiver.
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Reply to FrazzledMama
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At the bare minimum, this con man criminal is in possession at some time or another.
Invite the dea over to the garage to search, imo.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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Criminal neglect and fraud.
Elderly abuse, undue influence.
Get him out.
Your Mother has a criminal living in her home! You do not know the whole truth!
Friend needs to call APS and report.

It is likely he drugs her often to keep her quiet.
Take her to her doctor, have a drug screen performed, have doctor admit
her to rehab for her own safety.

This happens all too frequently. You are not powerless.
Can you call the district attorney's office?
Does the convict still have a parole officer? Tell all.
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