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My loving, sweet, 82 year mom has dementia. She is also a survivor of abuse and still living with her abuser, my step-father. My younger brother and I invoked the help of Adult Services when we found my mother living in filth, her toenails curled beneath her toes, she had not been bathed in months, there was minimal food to eat in their home and she was left alone for hours on most days while her husband was out buying new motorcycles, riding with his friends and having meals out. They have money to work with but he's busy spending it as fast as he can before he kicks the bucket. When Adult Services dropped the ball my younger brother and I hired an attorney to help us appoint a neutral (not a family member) guardian and someone to handle her finances so she could be moved into a care facility. When they learned we were talking with an attorney Adult Protective Services legal council threatened to resist and we were advised to back away from the effort by the attorney we had hired. We were told that this action was based on the history of my brothers mental illness. Question 1: why should that have anything to do with getting outside help? He was not asking to be her guardian. Now, my mother has been moved to an independent living situation with her abusive/neglectful husband. The only thing that has changed is the environment. My younger brother and his wife see mom about 3-4 times a week (I live out of state) and always find her sitting in her own excrement, toenails painfully curled behind her toes, no bath...etc. Her husband is spending money on model trains, a snazzy jazzy scooter for himself - as always - and has not made one effort to provide additional help to my mother. I am livid that Adult Protective Services considers their job done, what can we do now?

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Never rely on third party reports. Come and see it with your own eyes. There may be some exaggeration on your brother's part. The only way you know for sure is be there yourself. I should think that in an independent living facility, someone would notice her poor condition at meals and the house keeper would surely see her sitting in filth in the apartment.
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Panda--it sounds like YOU need to get to mom and see her in person. Document her living conditions with TONS of photos...then start calling APS again. She them what HE is doing. Mom can't take care of herself and he isn't doing it. I also don't see why your brother's mental status has anything to do with this--also, isn't his wife involved?
I wish you the best. If your mom is lucid enough to describe what goes on, that would help, but it sounds like she isn't capable of that.
Is the attorney still involved?
Good luck with all this.
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After you evaluate the situation in person, determine whether your mother has appointed an agent under a Medical Power of Attorney and/or a Durable [Financial] Power of Attorney (other than your step-father) and reconsider whether your mother should be a person placed under guardianship and who should apply to be the guardian.
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Neglect comes in many forms, but not bathing does not rise to abuse. Having worked for CPS in AZ, I fail to see how the son's mental status is of concern unless he is caring for your mother frequently, not on his medication (for whatever mental illness he has), and acting irrationally. The step-father is legally responsible for your mother's care as they are married, so he should be the one APS focuses on. But, spending money on toys is also not abuse. Not feeding your mother is, but you will have to prove it and living out-of-state presents a problem. Since dementia is a terminal illness there is nothing you can do to prevent the outcome, and I suggest you talk with your step-father and see what he says. I would also ask to speak to a supervisor at APS even though they probably will not talk to you (privacy laws).
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THIS IS ELDER ABUSE AT ITS WORST! APS must intervene! How about the town's social worker? How about the town elder care advisor? Get these 2 individuals on this pronto!!!!!!!!!!!
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My husband of 48 years he kick me from the bedroom he hasn't talked to me or out two wonderful kids that we have he transfer the money from the trust and he put it in his name and he has a checking account only his name.I can write a check I have to beg him to pay my credit card.He donate 100.000 thousand to DAV but with my attorney I took the money back.Everybody said how can you leave like that but he is 92 and Am 71 and I hate to dismental my life.I don't know how long Am I going to last.I call the VA so many times finally his primary doctor ask him some question and he said he doesn't have dementia.he spends like crazy I having gone out to eat for eight months.I went to have a guardian or conservatorship but if he cant go to the doctor its very hard.A new attorney said yes we can get the guardianship its going to cost about 50 thousand and I said forget it.How long he is going to leave.Any advise
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Md101945 How can you live like that?

Would you really want guardianship, even if it were free?

Have you considered consulting a divorce attorney?
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Md101945: I agree with jeannegibbs. How can you live like that? Consult an attorney.
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Thanks to everyone for your insight. I have spent extensive time with my mother over the past year, despite living out of state and prior to being kicked out of the family by her husband for talking with a hospital social worker who was the initial contact with APS. At this point, I have to accept the situation as it is. The system is broken.
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I have spent extended time with my mother, despite living out of state, when her husband was hospitalized 6 months ago. I took her to the Dr. to have her feet cared for, got her a nice haircut, she showered and she was blossoming. Then, he returned. There are police reports and photo's. She was left alone for hours a day, before and after his hospitalization. She wandered 6 blocks from home, fell and was picked up by the fire dept who contacted police. Still, in light of all of that, APS let HIM make the decision to move them, together, into an assisted living home where he's opted to have no assistance. My brother and his wife would have no reason to fabricate the ongoing neglect and financial abuse that she suffers. The income is primarily hers, she worked all of her life, her husband barely worked. Her benefits give him access to health insurance and everything his heart desires but it always has. When she was working he would wait outside her office for her paycheck. He'd deposit it and give her $20 a week for "spending money". I can only say that she would never leave him when she was in her right mind because he threatened her every which way to Sunday. It is no way to end up ... if you are living in an abuse/neglect situation get out while you can!! Moral of the story.
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