How will our life’s change with my father-in-law moving into our home??

It changed everything for me. My mother inlaw pasted away and my father inlaw lost his house. He moved in with us and he is trying to get disability. He has no income and never leaves the house only to run to get his perscriptions are things he needs. Me and my husband have no private time. I have no private time. I am a homemaker so I am home alot too. This is causing a lot of stress for me and My husband.

shawna130,

The stories that I have read on this site make me wonder strongly about such a decision. People have lost marriages, experienced their children feelilng estranged from them, etc. in these situations.

Privacy will be a big issue not just for you as well as for the two of you as a couple, but those pre-teen girls are going to "Need" some extra privacy in my opinion. Also, how are they going to have a sleep over with a very elderly old man in the house?

One concern that I have is that your FIL might start acting like your husband is a little boy again and put you in the middle of an emotional triangle. I can only image that the whole dynamic of being a family has probably changed a lot since posting this thread in December of 2009. I hope we here back from you soon.

SHAWNA:

If he's in good health, I recommend consistent low-impact exercises so he can keep those knees greased and ready to go (remember the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz?). Well-padded sneakers and a treadmill at a local gym should do; maybe some light biking and leisure walks through a park. Otherwise his condition will worsen and your life will revolve around his. Don't let this happen, or your misery will trickle down to your children.

-- ED

Was checking to see if you checked back in and posted how it was going. Although it's an adjustment, I know people who have made the same sacrfice and because they did it as a family they did pretty good.My sister lives with my Dad and my son stays there to care for him when she works. A couple times a month I go and my son comes home for a few days. This seems to be working out for all of us for now.

oh it will be a big change , mine did . everybody agreed on helping out , ok for lit while then its all yours ,
i dont mind it cuz i get to spend every mins we have with eachother , he feels safe with me and i respect that , i cant put my dad in a nh , i know he feels bad that it became too much for me . he sat me down last year and told me that if i put him innusring home he will understand that and he is ok with it . i can see it in his eyes , so sad soooo sad , i told him dad ill keep on takin care of you cuz i enjoy having you with me so i wont worry about you at nh ,
you said its ur father in law . i would imagin it be a diffrent kind of feelings , if i had to take care of my mother in law i prob end up having a nervouse breakdown . i cant handle her . she is like a sneaky lit girl .. repeats same thing over and over and over , oh my goshh i had to ingore her , tried to change the subject and she dont hear me out .
no i dont think i can .
once you have someone living with you will become another resospiblity ,
alot oftime i smile and say im a prisoner in my own home ....

lhardbeck, we have said it's like being held hostage in our own home. The feelings of love we feel differs from the conflicting emotions of having to care for someone with incapacities we were never prepared to encounter. The physical and emotional part of dealing with unreasonable expectations and unrealistic demands can often be overwhelming. We sought, and still seek lots of support from others, or else we couldn't survive. It's been quite the journey. My best advice to anyone is that they gather together as good a support system as possible. This may include family, friends, a support group, online support, and the help from agencies and auxillary services, etc. It's a learning curve to find what works best for each individual and situation. We wouldn't make it without prayer and God's help, as he is our ultimate source of strength and direction. Best wishes to you and your loved ones, Shawna, and Merry Christmas!

By making our home bigger to accomodate another adult, as well as, the fact that he doesn't require much "care" I think we can avoid, for now, feeling like hostages. Privacy for my husband and I, our daughters and our father was almost our biggest priority. I'm very private by nature, so I new from the moment we began planning this move that I needed to take steps to protect my privacy and create privacy for him. Bob still runs his own errands, enjoys lunches out with friends and makes his own food if I'm gone . I appreciate everyones comments and wise, kind words. This forum will be a great value to us as our lives adjust and change as time goes on.

hmmm let me say it clearly... No. No no.... just read all sorts of issues here, you'll see why I said it so. If you have other options, weigh that in, rather than accept him with open arms. Time will tell you why I said NO.

haha mhmarfil , shawna hasnt been back since dec 09 . guess she got the answer she wanted ,
oh well . people come and go dont they ?
take care !!

Anugal,

Stories such as yours and worse are far too common on this site and beyond. I hope that you and your husband will get some therapy in order to save what is dying all around you by finding the strength and courage to set some normal and healthy boundaries around yourself, your marriage and your children separate from your FIL. What is going on with your husband that he is evidently more emotionally bonded with his father than with you and the children? He needs to wake up because he is not being faithful to his marriage vows, etc. by doing so!!!! I've read of sons doing this with their mothers and I know what it is like to have a wife do this with her mother, but a son with a dad, no!

It is a very sad commentary on caring for the elderly that it leads to much of what I can't believe a majority of parents want and if they were in their right mind, which they often are not. The collateral damage of the caregiver's health physically and mentally; marriages end in divorce or permanently damaged; relationships with children or one's own grown children and grand-children strained or destroyed; children and grand-children given such a soar view of the elderly. Do we sometimes think that by sacrificing our own lives that our elderly parents will not die? Who is going to be there once they do die? Is it worth being all alone singing your own lonely song with nothing but ashes of your former life and relationships all around your feet. I frankly think it is a version of slow suicide to destroy ourselves when someone else who has already lived their life is about to die.