Life after death of a loved one. Any advice?

Mom passed in late August. We were on 'good enough' terms, but there were still things I wished I'd said or done.

The grieving has been hard. No one seems to 'get it' and think I should be perfectly fine by now. My therapist says I'm doing well as can be expected, but everyone handles it differently.

I had a rough night last night. My depression comes and goes. I am all ready for Christmas, so that's great, but I still feel not so 'happy' and I kind of want the holidays to be OVER and packed away. (This isn't unusual, I always get depressed at the holidays. DH is not feeling well and won't be better until he can have an injection for chronic pain in his neck. He's pretty grumpy. I stay away from him, but honestly, I feel very low and I'm struggling to get better.)

All this is normal. Knowing that does not help. It's a day at a time. I am sleeping too much, but that is always how I handle stress.

I think I need to get back to my service projects and immerse myself in doing good and not dwelling on how sad I feel at Christmas time.

Hugs to you--we are not alone.

First, my sympathies on your loss.

My mom died in October of 2020. She had lived with me, independent of care, until her CHF became very advanced, about 18 months before she passed away. Like you, for a while after she dies, I had a very hard time "settling". I was constantly thinking I was forgetting something, I was constantly "on point" listening in case she fell. I think after an extended period of caring for an elderly LO, one who ends up depending on you for just about everything, when that LO dies, it's very hard to "turn off" that part of your brain that has become accustomed to caregiving. But I was slowly able to start to decompress, to tell myself that I wasn't forgetting something vital. It took a few months; looking back, it probably wasn't until the following mid-late spring that I felt acclimated to my new normal.

I'm glad to hear you're seeking out the counseling services Hospice provides; it will help you navigate through the grieving process. And hang in there; while time may not heal all wounds equally, I have found it does with grieving.

(((hugs)))

I'm sorry about the loss of your mother, and please accept my heartfelt condolences for you and your family.

Oh, do I remember those days. Yes, these are normal feelings. Grief therapy is a must. Hospice counseling is very good. I've used them twice. I was a nervous wreck and even started smoking to calm my nerves. However, my smoking career was short lived. Meditation and a nice warm soak in a tub is what calmed me down when I had those extremely nervous moments.

There are a couple of books I read that helped me put things into perspective. One book was: "Love Never Dies" by Dr. Jamie Turndorf, and the second book was written by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler titled: On Grief and Grieving. I bought these books after the death of my husband in 2016. You can find both on Amazon.



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Condolences. When my dad and sister died, I went into business mode; SO much paperwork and STUFF needed to be done. I know that's not helpful to your situation. But I did a quick search and found several articles that link anxiety to grief. The symptoms listed match what you describe you're experiencing. (Here's one example: https://highlandparktherapy.com/blog/grief-and-anxiety)

Consider getting a consult with a grief counselor. One thing good thing about the pandemic is that there are now so many telehealth options available. Perhaps you could get someone to talk with today.

Take care of yourself.

My half-sister married her 2nd husband after a very ugly & tumultuous first marriage to a drug addict. When DH #2 died unexpectedly one day, she decided to stay SO busy all the time and drop into bed each night SO exhausted, that she left herself no time to grieve or to even THINK about what had happened. She 'sailed' through the death, the funeral, everything, which meant to me that she didn't allow herself to process the grief or to FEEL anything; she forced herself to stay too busy to allow emotions to sneak in. She was always a control freak before Carl died, but now? Egads. She just married DH #3 (5 years after Carl died) and is SO controlling of his every movement, I wonder if this marriage stands any possibility of lasting? It seems to me she feels like if she controls everything in his life, he won't die on her like Carl did. Senseless, but the sub conscious in us works in mysterious ways.

Anyway, we all have to allow ourselves to process grief; the only way out of it is through it, all the stages, waffling back & forth through them, as we arrive at Acceptance one day. Not that we ever 'get over' the loss, either; just that we learn to accept it and absorb the loss into our lives and learn to move on in spite of it.

David Kessler is a writer who's written books on death & grief with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, of the 5 Stages of Grief notoriety. He's now written a book called "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief" which may be of value to you.

Here's a link to the audible version on Amazon, but there's a regular book version available as well:

https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-David-Kessler-audiobook/dp/B07P88B6J6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3PCPKEP1R1ZYM&keywords=david+kessler+finding+meaning+the+sixth+stage+of+grief&qid=1671641582&sprefix=david+kessler%2Caps%2C220&sr=8-1

Read what the book is about and see if you think it may help you through your journey with grief.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has some great books out too, On Grief & Grieving, is one that she co-wrote with David Kessler, here:

https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Grieving-David-Kubler-Ross/dp/1471139883/ref=sr_1_6?crid=RHS4K9HZFS04&keywords=elisabeth+k%C3%BCbler-ross+on+grief+and+grieving&qid=1671641836&s=audible&sprefix=elisabeth+k%C3%BCbler-ross+on+grief+and+grieving%2Caudible%2C126&sr=1-6-catcorr

After dad died, I felt a lot of anger........extremely short tempered with everyone who came into my path. I was thrust right into the Anger phase of grief immediately; I didn't want to hear that dad was 91 and had lived a good life, blah blah, nothing. I just didn't want him to be gone. When mom died, I just felt more relief than anything b/c she had advanced dementia and had been declining for SO LONG; I had prayed God would take her, so when He did, I was happy that she was out of pain and at peace. While I had more of a process to go through with dad in terms of grief, things were different with mom. But with dad, he kept showing me signs (pennies from Heaven) to help me realize he was fine. With mom, I haven't had a single sign from her, probably b/c I haven't been suffering the huge grief I was with dad, if that makes sense.

Wishing you the best of luck working out your grief in your own way, and on your own timetable, using whatever tools help you most.

What I remember most was the constant, overwhelming sense of forgetting something. I was solely responsible- for all forms, all medical decisions, all of her needs, all visits, all of her wants… and then suddenly, it all stopped. I would wake at night, jerk out of a daydream, stop short in doing a chore- always thinking I had forgotten to do something, be somewhere, pay for something. Anxiety was my best friend, and then slowly it ebbed away. I had forgotten how to be but slowly I remembered.

A reflection I have always liked, by Henry Van Dyke:

Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
 
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
 
Gone where?
 
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
 
And that is dying...

Grief, and you are grieving, is both normal and, can be complicated. I hope that you are or will be receiving qualified Grief Support (counseling).
Also be sure to see your PCP, for physical updates. Grief affects the entire body, physically and emotionally. Your " symptoms" as you present them, may be attributes to your grief but may also be impacted by other life factors so one must address the symptoms from both the emotional ( grief counseling) and , physical ( see your PCP).

Some of that inability to relax is probably that you were so busy with tasks for mother and didn’t rest back then.
first do not feel guilty or weird about any feelings. It is all normal. The emotions have to take time to accept the reality.
try to find a hobby to go to , something positive to focus on and get your mind off the loss for a bit. Like reading or a craft.
eat and go for a walk or out to browse a store. Keep moving .
my best wishes in this journey

I read a quote somewhere that grief is love with nowhere to go. I think that feeling accounts for the anxiety and anxious feelings you are having. I can only guess that perhaps trying to channel that love into something productive or something that gives you some peace may help. We all have to figure out what that something is. I hope I can do it when I am faced with what you are going through.