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My father is furious and he is harassing everyone in the family that he can still drive for at least five more years. He is 85. My dad is a TERRIBLE, scary driver and I am relieved he had his license revoked. My question is; How do I get him to stop harassing my Mom (and anyone that will listen) about getting his license back? My Mom is at her wits end. She is 79 and fragile and I am scared of her getting sick from all this. We've showed him documentation from the Dr. and my Dad can't (won't) accept it.

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Remind him that if he were to drive and kill someone, he could loose any assets he worked hard for due to a civil law suit. In this litigous society it is a reality.
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Sometimes they will accept not being able to drive if the dr actually takes the time to sit down with them to explain why they can't. When it comes from a more authoritive figure they accept it more readily.
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Be glad that they revoked his license.. my dad would literally drive by my house and honk. I would wait 10 minutes enough time for him to get home, call him and say dad your not suppose to be driving anymore. He would tell me oh that doctor told me not to drive my truck, it has been in the shed for months, I don't think it would even start anymore. (REally) Well, we had to make damn sure it never did again. He was mad most of the time after that, we told him the same thing it was broken and the doctor said no more eventually he gave up when no one would give him any other answers.( Here's a funny now, it wasn't then. We got him meals on wheels to help and he was driving up to the senior center and picking it up himself.) Hang in there it takes time.
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baycop, when my mom's license was revoked, that's exactly what was suggested to me, so I had the neighbor do it late at night for me (I wasn't living with my mom yet). They also suggested that you put a note on it to AAA that says something like "license revoked, do not reconnect battery." And my mom, too - I'm still finding car keys around here!
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My mom starting having small accidents that lead to the point where I told her the doctor said no more driving. Problem is due to the dementia the don't remember the accidents or the instructions not to drive. Took her keys away and I swear she must have had three more sets somewhere.LOL finally I disabled the car by disconnecting the battery and told her it didn't work anymore. Little white lie but it worked. Three years into her dementia she still brings up driving but remember it is a final last string of independence they have so hang in there.
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Thank you for all your replies. Very helpful. You are all wonderful people. : ) I don't feel so alone now.
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{{{{{rovana}}}}} I'm so sorry for your loss.

I won't go into details either, but we've been down this road before with other family members and I'm eternally grateful that one took himself off the road voluntarily, and that the other just plain lucked out and never had an accident. We tried with him, oh, we tried but failed.

Part of the problem is...there are WAY too many states that don't REQUIRE retesting of the elderly. There would be far fewer tragedies like your own if every state had mandatory retesting.
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Thank you all so much for getting a dangerous driver off the road. I'm not going to go into details but my youngest sister was killed by a driver who should never have been behind the wheel. Thanks to everyone who is strong enought to just say no to them.
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Same thing happened to my mother (she was also not belligerent about it, just pest-y with me. Didn't help that, when she got her CA state ID card, the letter said 'congratulations, here's your drivers license/state ID card' - she STILL takes that to mean that she got a DL, not an ID card. I took the letter so she can't refer to it anymore, LOL!).

When I first moved here in June to live with her, she asked me to take her to the doctor's office as "they have my paperwork to get my DL back." So we went, the nurse practitioner said to me "I can't recommend for this" and I replied, "so tell them that she needs full retesting, she'll never pass the eye test, written AND road test." She agreed as how that was right, no way would my mom pass all three tests, and wrote her recommendation like that.

Fast forward to today - my mom continually asks me to take her to DMV to get her license back. I tell her, "I can't do it today, maybe tomorrow" and when tomorrow comes, she's forgotten about it. I don't volunteer.

That said, eventually, I WILL have to take her and I will, and I'll go in with her. But her paperwork's a disaster, I won't help her with that at all, I won't help her with anything other than to take her. I'll go in, only to hear first-hand what they say to her - because she won't remember the next day.

Maybe a variation on this would work in your case, I don't know. It might be another option for you to try. Good luck - I feel for you.
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Thank you so much. I will try those tactics. Thank you for your "best wishes" we need them now.
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Give that doctor a gold star! I wish every doctor who diagnoses dementia took that step. Seriously, send that doctor a thank-you note! My husband's doctor did and I was so grateful. My husband mourned the loss of driving for at least a year. At least he was not belligerent about it.

Try repeating the same answer, over and over and over. "It's the law, dear, and we can't do anything about it." Have everyone in the family use the same line.

Unfortunately since he has dementia reasoning with him is not going to be very effective. So try just repeating a very simple statement that there is nothing that can be done, and then try to change the subject ... redirecting him to something he might be interested in.

I am so sorry that your fragile mother is often on the receiving end of his tirades. You could try having a talk with him about your mother. "Dad, Mom isn't as strong and healthy as she used to be. It is the law that you can't drive and she cannot do anything at all about that. It upsets her when you bully her about this. She would do anything she could to help you but she cannot do anything about this. Please don't make her feel bad and upset her." Whether Dad could accept this, or remember it the next time he has an outburst, remains to be seen. A talk with him about mother may not help at all, but it couldn't hurt.

Best wishes to you as you struggle with this difficult challenge. And if you find something that works ... share! We learn from each other.
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