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I have not been on the site for a while but I need a hug. My husband was diagnosed 3 years ago with Alz. He has become very attached me to and I have no time for myself. He goes to daycare three times a week (I have to take him or he will not go). I pick him up on my lunch time (I work full time) take him home, give him a snack and go back to work (he is OK by himself for a while). He breaks my heart every time he asks if I have to go back to work and not stay home with him. He is with me all weekend doing errands and shopping. The only time I have for myself is when I get my hair done. Other than that he is with me all the time. I have a home health aid twice a week to keep him company and do light housekeeping but I want time to myself to go out with my friends for dinner or a movie but cannot leave him home alone too long because he gets scared and wants to be with me. I constantly tell him I love him for reassurance. We have a friend in the neighborhood that looks in on him once and a while but I do not want to be a burdon and people have their own lives. No family close by so it is just me and him.
He has stopped asking about me giving him his car back but every now and then he asks so I just ignore him the best way I can. I need to buy a new car but do not know how to handle it without him getting upset about me not getting him a car. I have explained that it is not safe for him to drive anymore. The doctor has spoken to him. i had his license revoked but he still feels he should have a car. Just need a hug and some suggestions.

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Oh my! First of all, here is a hug ((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))). Hope I didn't squeeze too hard! Secondly, do you feel like it is time for him to be in a facility now? I know it would be hard, but you need a life too. I know that is easy to say, hard to do.

Take care of yourself!
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I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Driving is such a huge part of our lives and freedom that losing that freedom really hurts and if your brain is compromised, it is so hard to understand.

I would like to ask if you got him a state issued picture ID when he lost his driver's license. He needs one if you haven't done that. They never expire so while he is mobile is an excellent time to get that done.

If you have a family member or friend who can accompany y'all when you go car buying, it will make the process easier. Your husband may enjoy helping you pick out the new vehicle, or on the other hand you might need someone to stay with him while you make the purchase. These days you can do all the preliminary stuff online. Even pricing. You just need to do the test drive in person and sign the papers.

Good luck.
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Sheilaallison1, unless your current vehicle is giving you a lot of trouble, I would wait on buying a new car.... like you had mentioned maybe he will get upset seeing a new car.... he may ask for your old car for himself. Would this be worth buying a new vehicle?
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You are very lucky to be able to work, get your hair done and want to go out with your friends for dinner and get away time once in awhile. You are most likely one out of 2,000 members here that would love to do what you can still do. He loves you, and it sounds like you love yourself also, you want and he needs, my husband is the same as yours wants to be near me all the time, that's what Alzheimers does to the person, just imagine yourself waking up every morning with not one thought in your mind, empty, blank slate, that's why he needs you, it is not his fault but if you must keep working and enjoy your freedom make sure someone is with him when you are gone. Would you leave a 3 year old alone at home? That's what we are dealing with, husbands that need us 24/7, it's called Love.
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Thanks to everyone for the hugs. I do feel lucky that he can dress himself and feed himself. I am very tired and would just love to be alone sometimes. My birthday is coming in july and I plan to pretend I am going to work and get myself a massage and spent time by myself. I will take him to daycare and he will not know the difference. Until then I make sure he in in bed by 8:00 so I have some alone time. He sleeps well because I have him on celexa and Ativan.
Again thank you all for the hugs
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Sheila, I think you are handling things very well. And you are wise to know you need some time to yourself.

I remember the beginning years when my husband could be left alone for a few hours. That generally comes to an end, and you will know when it is not safe to do that any more. At that time I suggest that you increase the number of hours he spends at day care. Don't pick him up on your lunch hour. Lengthen his days there and/or increase the number of days. For me, it was the only way I could support us and still have him live at home.

Also as my husband's health declined to the point where he could not go to the day center, I had a PCA come into our home. I think I waited too long to do this. I advice you to consider it sooner rather than later.

If this were your parent you are taking care of, I might suggest you consider placing him in a care center. Since it is your life partner the dynamics are a little different. I was lucky enough to keep my husband home the entire 10 years of his dementia, but from my support group I know that isn't typical. It may be necessary at some point to consider placement. But if you want to extend the time he has at home, you HAVE to take care of yourself. Begin now to arrange for some dinners with friends and some time to yourself. You've been at this a long time, and could be at it a lot longer. Do what you have to do for you, as well as for him.

And hugs -- to you both!
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