My mother is 82 and father 87. My mother has been verbally abusive to my sick father. When I returned from a month trip I called my parents to check on them. My father was in the bed 3:00 in the afternoon crying in pain. My mother was cussing and fussing that she does not know his Dr. and refused to call. She gave the phone to my father and I suggested that I will call his Dr. I did and the Dr. asked me to bring him to the ER. My mother did not go. They admitted him because his organs started to shutdown. The next day my mothercstarted to change and blocked me out from everything. She called my absent siblings who live out of state and told them if I get in her way she would call the police. She stopped me from talking to his Drs and stated she is in charge. I do not know what I am doing. She thus moved my father to a rehab center close to hed. My father asked me to conduct some on line business for him. For example, why us he paying to have an email address? I changed that to a free rmail service and explained to him and my mother. My mother who does not use computers got mad at me and called the service and gave them my fathers credit card number. My mother has always bern a control freak. A lot of hatred for me. My Dad called me today and advised that my mother is accusing me of stealing and telling people what is in his bank account. In other words she is trying to turn my father against me. Did I not mention that I am retired from a high security clearance job. Trustworthy and Integrity. I am the only daughter. Parents followed me years ago to the State I live in....I have two brothers who have not visited for over two years. I am critized constantly that I am interfering in our parents marriage, I need to mind my own business, our mother wants me yo stay away from our father etc. My father told me he wrote a living will with my mother in charge of finances and health. I am in charge of health only. Last year I spent the whole year helping my mother who had major surgery. She can be tbe sweetest old lady and turn to the meanest old lady. I am trying to be the good daughter, am exhausted and tired with no support. Should I turn the cheek and let them go on? Even tho I see things that are not right? By the way my mother gave their pastor permission to drive my fathers car. I feel I am fighting a useless cause. My Dad continues to call me crying from the rehab center......I just dont know what is the right thing to do. Thank you in advance for your responses.

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Ok, legally you are your dad's healthcare person. You also know that he is being abused and that your mom has become not just controlling but irrationally controlling. Talk to the Hospital social worker, copy of your papers in hand. You has options to go to Adult Protective Services given that your dad would have died from here neglect and refusal to get medical help for him. You may feel,bad about that idea, but he could very well suffer terribly at her hands if nothing change and you walk away. I sense you are writing because you know that, and aren't used to the idea of standing up to your mom, who obviously knows how to be intimidating, If you are lucky she will let you have him placed in assisted living or other care appropriate to his medical condition and let you take care of him. Then you will only have to struggle with she and whether to intervene with mom when things get bad a far a her managing on her own, which would seem inevitable. Sorry you are facing this, and hope there ins an alternative to just giving up on both of them.
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Ouch. That's a very painful situation for you to find yourself in, peaches.

Sounds like the key issue here is control, do you agree? Your mother is determined to hang on to it; you'd be happy to leave her to it, except that you're worried your father might suffer as a result and you're also concerned generally about your mother's welfare too.

How is your father doing? What are the plans for him, as far as anyone can say?

Have you spoken to your siblings about your concerns for your parents? What do they think?

And, to get to the crux of the matter, what plans have your parents made for their care in very old age? Does anyone have POA? Has either of them expressed a preference?

In your place I think I'd start by gathering as much information as possible, then trying to reach a family consensus about what it's best to do. Your mother will, alas, probably bite your head off several times before you get anywhere - but keep your eyes on the prize?

But if you really think you'd be better advised to butt out and leave them to it - it's a legitimate option - you can ease your anxiety about your father by speaking to his key staff at rehab and telling them what's worrying you. Let them know that if your father needs help, or your mother changes her mind, you'll be there.

Don't beat yourself up, whatever you decide to do. It's not an easy situation and more to the point it is not of your making.
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Are you sure your mother doesn't have dementia? Does your father still want your mother to have financial control? It sounds to me like perhaps she's burned out from caregiving and/ or ill herself. Take her to lunch and the to the doctor for a checkup. Explain your concerns to the doctor beforehand in a lletter.
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It's hard for you to do anything if your father will do everything that your mother tells him. I understand that he's too sick and then to deal with you and his wife having problems with one another. It sounds like he wants Both of you there but your mom does not want to share him. There's really nothing you can do to force the issue. But step back, and be an Emotional support for your father. The only time a govt authority steps in - is when something bad happens in the home. That's when the state can state that they are a danger to themselves. You might have a heart-to-heart talk with your dad at rehab before he goes back home. If you want anything done, this is the best time to do it. Once he goes home, your mom will completely isolate him from you. Maybe she has already at the rehab. If your father is not declared as incompetent, then his wish to see you should supercede your mother's wishes. It's hard to say. I'm just so sorry that you're going through this. It would be even more sad if your mother actually persuades your father to believe her lies. {{hugs}}
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