Dad's dementia is worsening and it's breaking my Mom's heart. How do I let her know what's ahead without scaring her to death?

I'd keep it to the effect of "Mom, if you want to talk over how Dad's going to get on from here, you know where I am, don't you. We can find out more whenever you're ready." Let her come to you.

It may be, you see, that she's thinking 'sufficient unto the time is the evil thereof' and quite literally doesn't want to know. If there are plans that need to be made and you're worried, though - like getting door alarms set up, or thinking about continence care - you can always talk about the specific thing that has to be arranged and let her draw her own conclusions if she wants to. The crucial thing is that she trusts you to support her, come what may.

Actually, I think he has given up on the chainsaw as its too hard to get started, maybe because I might have tampered with it a little. I was afraid he'd go out and buy another one but he hasn't yet. Mom would tell me and I can call my nephew to fix the new one as I watch my inheritance go down the drain as an extensive collection of chain saws.

How does she sound when she's giving you these little, um, anecdotes? The second she begins to sound really upset or frightened or depressed is when you remind her gently that she has your full support for any help she wants to get with your father. You and I know we mean memory care, but you don't have to hit her over the head with that all at once - it's just a cue to consider options.

If I were talking to you I'd have a lump in my throat. I do realise this is your Dad I'm casually consigning to memory care. I'm sorry he, and she, and you are all having to go through this, it's horrible.

We knew that at some point, Dad would need more care than Mom could provide. My sister and I assured her at the beginning of the journey that when she determined she was at that point, we would support her and help her in that difficult transition. When that time came, we scoped out NH (no memory care facilities back then) for her. I think it helped her that we backed her up on this tough decision.

FF, I'm with your Dad on this. It's all going much too fast. My latest gadget even knows when I swear at it - and responded with hurt indignation, which enraged me still further. Technology needs to get back in its box if you ask me.

Focus on talking to your Mom about planning for herself so that she won't be worried.

Mouse, you are so nice. You're advice is spot on. Yes, she sounds very sad when she reports Dads memory lapses. Sometimes she gets depressed and just goes to bed. I do let her know I'm here for her and thank her for letting me know what's going on. I think she knows where this is all leading. She's not at all naive about dementia and long term effects but she's on the front lines. I'm a 10 hour drive away.

And you are not casually consigning my Dad to care. It's coming soon and honestly I'll be relieved when he is in care and I'm not worried about him driving or using a chainsaw any longer. At that point it's what to do with mom. She will be devastated and unable to live alone. But one day at a time.......

Dad went to a day program, 4 days a week for 5 hours or so. That gave our mom time for naps, hair appointments etc. It helped Dad, as they had activities. They hired someone to mow lawns and remove snow in winter.

Things that would've helped but my mom wasn't comfortable with were: hiring a housecleaning service, having someone come in to help Dad shower (he was tall and strong).

Windy, guess just take it one day at a time. It is good that your Mom is noticing little changes as time goes along, instead of being in denial. And that she is learning not to correct him or argue with him.

My parents are in denial. Mom still thinks Dad [93] can get out the ladder and fix the ceiling fan... yikes, I can't climb to that height anymore. Dad forgets that Mom [97] doesn't see/hear very well.

I hate being the bystander but there isn't anything I can do since it was their choice to continue to live in their single family home... poor planning for two very educated people. I patiently wait for my parents to finally ask that they need help. They will fight for their independence to live on their own until their last breath.

Linda22, my Mom refuses to have a cleaning service, and believe me my parents desperately need one. So I just grin and bear it, and overlook all the handprints on the appliances, door jams, and walls. And crumbs on the rug under the kitchen table, and heavy knows what are those spots on the rug. A few years back I even offered a gift of a service and my Mom felt so insulted... oops, won't do that again :(

Thank you all for your kind responces. Since I posted my poor Mom has dealt with about 3 or 4 crisis with Dad. She's doing great, it gets her down but it challenges her. But, it's going to get overwhelming very soon. So I have long talks with her, tell her how well she is doing with him and try to buck her up.

But tonight, she mentioned how difficult it was to just have an adult conversation with him. I told her to talk about the old days like I do with him. She said, "I'm up to here with the old days! I was there Ya know!" Damn... She's right. His old stories are sometimes new and interesting to me when I'm there for a few days. But she's there 24/7 and she was there 24\7 years ago. We're good for now. We will see about tomorrow.