How do I let go of feelings of frustration with my stepdad?

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My Step-dad is addicted to the computer so many things need to be done around the house. My Mom and I have mention it, mostly me actually, but he says he is busy all the time. Mine you he does the groceries shopping only because he uses only credit cards but he forgets things and my Mom will send him back to the store sometimes up to twice a day. So I offer to go with him when it is a huge list. I even offer to do all of it for them but he said we don't carry cash someone could break in. I thought okay it's your choice? But someone could break in and take your credit cards and everything else?? Anyways he has a habit of just putting all the groceries on the floor still in bags and leaving it there expecting me to put it away fed up sometimes he will leave it there for up to an hour and some of it is frozen I am just frustrated and having a bad week. Today he did it again it was half an hour I was so mad but quietly I put it away. Just feeling tired and frustrated he sometimes doesn't even say thank you for serving him or he will complain about the suppers I cook quietly chucking it out or just leaving it on the counter. Thinking about taking the day off tomorrow they don't want respite care because they only cater to my Mom because she has Parkinson's so because the caregiver is just for her they don't want their services. I hope someone can give me some good advice feeling down and frustrated.

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I believe I am in a similar situation. At first, I tried to live with the way things had always been (i.e., mom always took care of step-dad) but then realized that there was no way I could take care of both, especially since he is perfectly capable of taking care of self. I was not raised by this man, so we will never have a parent/child relationship. So I slowly changed the rules. It has taken a couple of years, but I have finally proven an old dog CAN be taught new tricks! He has changed - against his will in many instances - and with a lot of passive aggressive behavior. BUT I am not taking care of him - he is taking care of himself. And we do have respite care - just for my mom, not for him, to allow me to do what I need to do AND to allow him to do what he needs to do because he is now also helping me care for her! Thought that day would never come either!! It just takes patience, perseverance, determination and compromise. P.S, regarding the groceries, he makes the list, I do the shopping and he puts the groceries away. That's our deal and I think that is a fair trade. Good luck! Dealing with a non-parent is always tricky ...
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Thank you partsmom!
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This is in the category of just say Thank You as soon as he brings them in and then deal with them. One advantage to putting the groceries away yourself is that you know where they are. If yr stepdad is forgetful, they could wind up anywhere. In fact, in general, it may be better that he keeps himself busy and out from underfoot. It sounds like he is not really capable of doing a whole lot of useful stuff.
As far as the respite care, let them concentrate on your mom and let him take care of himself.
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Thank you all so much for your advice and own experience.
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Just put the groceries away. My dad was the same, he would go shopping but was no good at putting stuff away. My mom would stack things and they would fall out all over the floor.

It is just the way he is in part because of the expected roles they had in the past. Believe me, it could be worse. He could be scolding you all the time for not doing things right.

Just consider this his limitations, and care for him and your mom out of love for your mom. Remember, you mom used to take care of him.
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Just keep on feeling & talking ...you are so ahead of it all because you can FEEL. Move??
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Does your Step Dad go to the doctor regularly? Sound like something else in a possible medical condition here?
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"Oi, step-pop, those groceries won't put themselves away, will they?" Next time, say that first (before you allow good food to go to waste to make a point, I mean).

What I mean is, if you're feeling put upon, the first thing to do is to tell the person who is doing the putting. If that doesn't work - and I do mean speak in words, not drop hints - then we'll have to think of something else; but it's worth trying.

And for optimum results with the male of the species, I should start with specific unambiguous instructions such as "please put the frozen food away in the freezer." And don't forget to say thank you. Yes, I know it's his food too, but approval is a sweet and powerful thing.

This point about the respite care "only" being for your mother so they won't accept it is hooey and has to stop. The respite care is neither for your mother nor for both of them but for you. *You* accept it!
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What if the groceries stayed on the floor? I know it's a passive-aggressive thing to do but maybe the frozen items can be quietly slipped into the freezer and your stepdad can just pick out what he wants from the groceries on the floor.

And Rocknrobin is right. Your stepfather won't change so you have to find a way to live with this stuff yourself. First thing on your list of things to change would be to let the caregiver come over for your mom. Stepfather should have no say so in this. And when the caregiver is there go to a movie or to lunch with a friend. Just get away.
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Thank you Rocknrobin!
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