I have a dad who refuses to get dressed, brush his teeth, shave , bath or wipe his bottom. His excuse is he has a permanent catheter and when he lived at home he didn't change his clothes or have to do any of those things if he didn't want to .The doctor told him that is a state of has been doing all of his care for him. He's 95 and my mom is 90, They now live with my family due to the living home was too mush upkeep and can't drive anymore. Everything I read is telling me to form a routine. I am trying .He refuses to do any physical strength exercises and has gotten in a very weakened state due to this. He has gotten mean, stubborn, insulting and he makes me the bad guy to force certain issues as I mentioned before. He expects the Dr's. to cure him instantly of what ever is wrong. I am going to have to get a physical therapist in here for help but I am limited as to how long they are able to come . I am willing to help with putting shoes on and help with putting catheter through his pant leg so he can get dressed but, other than that He should be able to do the rest. He was taking care of himself 7 weeks ago. If I just let him stew and sit in his underwear or what ever, Is it wrong of me? I'm at wits end.

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Can your mother do the same level of care for him that she did when they were in their house? He says he doesn't have to change his clothes if he doesn't want to. Was she able to get him to want to every few days?

I wonder if some division of labor would help. You provide all the meals, keep the house clean, do the laundry, drive to appointments, etc. and Mother is in charge of her own and Dad's personal care. Would she be able to handle that? Maybe that would seem more "normal" to Dad.

I can well imagine how terribly disruptive and disorienting being moved out of his home would be for a 95 yo man. When people go into a nursing home it often takes a few months for them to adjust. This is your father's adjustment period. I suspect depression -- wouldn't you be depressed if you were in his shoes? IF that is the case (diagnosed by a medical professional, not just an opinion on a discussion board) then medication might ease the strain on everyone.

I know you are trying so hard to do the right things. You truly care about your parents. It is so hard to watch them do self-destructive things, isn't it? Be proud of what you are doing, even if it doesn't always get the results you want
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I would consider that your dad may not be able to do all the things that he says he cannot do. Will he allow someone to help him with those things? If so, I'd figure out if you or an outside caregiver will do them. I wouldn't try to prove him wrong. Just offer help.

Have you discussed your dad's mental state with his doctor? Are you his HCPOA? Sometimes, when a senior has cognitive decline, they really are not able to participate in physical therapy, groom themselves, etc. I wouldn't assign his actions as refusal, but inability. OR

He could be depressed. Sometimes, depression can cause people to give up on taking care of themselves. They just get tired and are not up to working on things that for them is very exhausting, like therapy. At 90 years of age, I can envision it. I think I would just try to make daddy happy and comfortable and not challenge him.

If the therapist arrives, he may suddenly become more interested if it's a nice, young person who offers him a lot of motivation. I'd give it try and see if he responds, but, I wouldn't blame him if he doesn't.
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