I had to let the County, where my parents live, handle them. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

I had to let the County, where my parents live, handle them. Any advice?

Follow
Share

I tried to help my father who was taking every control of my altzheimer's mother. I spent many nights and days relieving his stress in handling her now mid stage combative altzheimer's condition. I was fine until recently when I did not stay one night and their was some abuse on my mother's part. She hits him when he tries to lock back door at night in order to wait up for her husband who is coming in late from a 30 year old job. She knows my father about 1/2 of day time. Has terrible sundowning. Now I was trying to get help with the County protective services who are involved and he thinks I'm trying to take over his job as soul caretaker. He flips back and forth with wanting leave, sell the house, etc. I feel quilty but know I could never please him or her. Any advice?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
9

Answers

Show:
sharquilts,
great point about not helping unless asked to . my aunt has always been extremely skilled with her hands . i always let her fumble with small tasks unless she gives up and shoves the item at me . her daughter on the other hand always comes into the nh telling edna and anyone else who will listen what she knows is best for edna . pia has gotten a little better about the dictating but she still stands and demands answers to hard questions that edna barely understands . theres a striking difference between how pia and myself operate . pia crowds , pushes , and bullies .
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When I am able financially, I will seek Legal advice. Dealing with my martyr father has made it very difficult to help in any way or be a part of her life at all. I pray for everyone who deals with caregiving. I found a great answer to all in the following in regards to what I am trying to do:
Caregiving is an expression of kindness and love.

Here are some key differences between caretaking and caregiving:
•Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating. Caregiving feels right and feels like love. It re-energizes and inspires you.
•Caretaking crosses boundaries. Caregiving honors them.
•Caretaking takes from the recepient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.
•Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
•Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
•Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
•Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.
•Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.
•Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker. Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
•Caretakers tend to attract needy people. Caregivers tend to attract healthy people. (Hint: We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
•Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
•Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
•Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
•Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
•Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.

As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step. Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum. It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'd definitely seek some legal advise. You shouldn't feel guilty. Dealing with demented parents (or anyone) can be not only difficult but frustrating. It's difficult for a spouse to see the partner decline and I find dementia over all difficult to understand. Do what you can, you may not be physically or emotionally able to deal with this situation and that shouldn't reflect negatively on you. I look at the adult protective service worker as a resource, it's not a matter of taking over, but of making good decision and being taken care of. Seek the guidance to help your father plan for your mother's care, keep him involved, discuss together what you'd like to see and go from there. Enjoy what time you have left together. Don't sweat the small stuff. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Good stuff, shar, spending this time in the present with her. :)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Run to a good Elder Law Attorney. They have your answer. There is hrlp for you leagly.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you have the money, you could file for Guardianship for both parents. That would mean you get to make major decisions on their behalf. Certainly your parents are not going to improve--it's only going to get worse. Even if they go on Medicaid you could still offer valuable input to their lives. Check with lawyer.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thanks so much and I am going to get support. I also am continuing to live my life with a wonderful boyfriend, my young adult children, cat and friends. Mom and I are making each day count and she is accepting her disease more each time I visit. My father's denial is not healthy, but I can only do so much with it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Shar, I'm sorry this must be so hard! It sounds like you've done an excellent job with what you could so far, and now the official services were needed. Your Dad's upset and confused himself, so he is not using his best judgment... and will surely flip positions more, be variable in how he feels, etc. Do you have access to any support group or counseling for yourself, so you can keep being there for him (and her) without going bonkers along the way? Hopefully the county people will explain all the resources that are available to you, and him, in this situation. It sounds like you are a great daughter, wishing you good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It is tough when the people you love don't want or can't recognize you are trying to help them. Adult Protective Services can really only help if there is a life-threatening concern, and the resources are very limited. Someone needs to get mom to a doctor, there are a variety of medications that can help mom. Don't give up, but maybe focus on helping Dad in other ways. I'm sure he wants so badly to be able to help your mom. Because your mom is living with Dad and you are involved, I don't believe APS will be able to provide you with the solutions you need. Start by getting mom to the doctor and ask about other solutions like a day-care for mom so Dad gets a break.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions