When my grandfather passed he left my mother an industrial bldg with 4 rental units that both parents ran a machine shop in. When 2 units became vacant my brother took over hoarding inside them. They tried to tell him to leave but he became aggressively agitated and believes using the buildings is his birth right. They changed the locks but then my father gave him a key. This hoarding is inherited from my father who thinks his son can do no wrong and enables him; however the brother is a dreamer and thinks using it to create his dreams in, will make him rich any day now. He is 62 and has been saying this his entire life. He lives off money they pay him for odd jobs at the units. My father; 88; is mostly house ridden on a walker except for short trips out to doctors; leaving my mother, 83; to handle all the finances and problems with the building that became vacant about 4 years ago when this started. They refuse to close the business so a second brother can have a job. The second brother refuses to take over the business and is getting paid from their personal money while they pay taxes and maintain it all while receiving no income from the business or rent. I have nothing to do with the rental or the business due to the bothers harassing me out of it all years ago.
My mother has macular degeneration and has lost 40lbs in 1.5 year which she refuses to continue with tests to find out why. I know she cannot handle the business they still own in 1 of the 4 rentals while handling all finances and caring for my father who wouldn't eat without her shopping and cooking for him. Every time I call my father tells me my mother needs help and can't do it anymore. He claims she is also forgetful. I know she cannot balance her accounts and chooses to have the businesses secretary help her; which I find insulting because she is trusting an outsider more than her own daughter. I've told my parents I can help but they will not give me or my husband POA in any way because my bothers would be upset and I refuse to pay bills for the vacant rentals and business that they are using. They know this is all wrong and up until last year said they were working on getting it resolved; but now as they have progressed in age and have given up trying. They refuse to talk about it anymore and only want to talk small talk as if this huge problem does not exist. My brothers are both abusing and taking advantage of my parents financially due to their age. I might add that in all these years I have been the one who has been the constant married for 38 years with 3 adult productive children who has been entertaining them with dinners while the two bothers did their own thing never even inviting them to their homes! It's true the first brother has nothing to offer since he lives in a townhome gifted to him that he also hoards in. Now they need care and I can hardly stand to go to their home from the upset of what is going on that is out of my control. Last week my mother needed assistance searching her email for an email I had sent her I asked her if she read. Turns out my brother (who uses my mothers computer weekly when he stops their to eat) had permanently deleted every email I ever sent her. She had emails in her trash bin from 2014 but not one from me! She has lost the ability to even realize what he is doing and is convinced he would not be dishonest. All he has to do is stop by once and week to eat and she is in her glory. All the while my father expects me to help her while the two son's take everything. I don't know if there is anything legally I can do to put a stop to my bothers taking advantage their elderly parents. They've done it for years but the difference now is my parents do not have the ability to stop them and are in complete denial at this point. Any suggestions on how to deal with this ongiong catastrophe is greatly appreciated.
Sometimes the hardest part of being an adult caregiver is recognizing when that point of no change, no return, and the turn around and pursue a different course of action time has arrived.
I wish you well on this next phase of caregiving.
All of GardenArtist's points are spot on. It appears you care for your parents but cannot change or undo all the bad behavior and bad decisions. Therefore, press on with your efforts to see your parents cared for before there's a crisis that forces other knee jerk and possibly bad decisions. Sad to say this, but it can/will be a long process, not an immediate fix: getting the right health help, legal help, even emotional help for yourself, and just STARTING to clean up such a mess. Prayers for your continued health and sanity...
p.s. My advice: after clarifying POA and Trust issues, sell that building at whatever cost and get that money in a place that can only be legally accessed to pay for your parents' needs, not to support others.... Even at a loss, that could be useful taxwise and could certainly get rid of at least one, and maybe many issues!
Between the brother and your father, it seems as though all your efforts to work out some kind of viable plan are resisted and defeated w/o even giving them a try.
There might be a saving grace though. Banks normally won't handle a trust without a sufficient income stream. As I recall from years ago, one bank charged 7% of an asset portfolio just to manage a trust. It will look to the assets to ensure that the commitment is going to justify its time. I'm sure it would do the same for POA responsibilities, if it would even consider being involved, and that's a big "if".
I don't know what a bank would charge to act as DPOA, but is certainly isn't going to do it for free. I also don't know whether or not a bank would want to review your father's assets to ensure there are sufficient funds to pay it, and pay it. it most certainly will! Your father doesn't seem to realize he's in a financial dilemma already and adding an additional cost is going to deplete what assets he has.
In addition, if he has raised the property management issue, I assume the bank would likely send someone to review the building before accepting any responsibility. When they see the condition it's in, it won't take long to make a negative decision and refuse to include any management of that white elephant.
As to an MPOA, that clearly reflects your father's irrational thinking. Does he think a bank manager is going to be available in the middle of the night to make medical decisions for him? But I'm guessing he still expects you to be involved when he needs assistance. However, and this is the key for you, you wouldn't have ANY standing in terms of significant decisions, depending on how thorough an MPOA is drafted. And that really ties your hands and binds you from providing care as might be needed.
I just can't imagine a bank accepting this responsibility.
However, at this point I think that you're headed for so much stress you're going to be the next hospital guest, and I don't mean just taking someone and picking them up. There's a room with your name on it and a chart that includes all sorts of mental and physical issues arising from stress.
I can only see 2 choices: (a) walk away, at least temporarily, and let the dust settle between your irrational father, uncooperative brother, and a banking institution. Or: (b) apply for guardianship. But given the family dynamics, a judge would appoint an outside guardian. How it will get paid is a question for a Solomon to resolve.
I do think your constant support could work to your disadvantage. Your mother and father probably know they can rely on you to come through, regardless of the circumstances. So they, or at least your father, has no incentive to change. Why not exploit you if he can get away with it?
The next time he needs help, you may have to "bite your tongue" and tell him to call the bank.
You know, there are situations which are so far beyond your control that you have to recognize there's nothing more you can do, and even though it's the more painful and emotional choice, it is the wiser one.
If it's any consolation, I've had to threaten that a few times in order to get results. I'm sure I'm not alone.
But for today, try to put it all on the back burner, concentrate on your job to make sure you still have one, come home and do something you really enjoy, something really relaxing, and make it a respite night while you let your head clear and decide what to do.
The more I think about this, I think for your own protection and safety you need to get off this sinking Titanic and start protecting yourself so you're not blamed when the situation explodes. Perhaps your father selecting a bank to act as proxy is a good thing - they won't take any nonsense from him or your brother.
I can imagine the perplexed and confused look on medical personnel's faces when they learn that from a family member who brought the father in for treatment that he/she has no authority to make decisions because the bank holds that authority.
What would happen on a weekend or holiday is mere speculation, but if there was an emergency and a bank official couldn't be reached...well, you can guess that the outcome might not be a good one.
The more I think of it, I wonder if Jspy's father is just telling him this to "jerk his chain" and/or maneuver him into giving into the brother's irresponsible activity. I also wonder if he told the other brothers as well.
You dad sounds like a very foolish man. Only walking away will lead to a real solution.