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BeeceeBeach, I think if my mom were alone, she would be more trusting in my help. My father seems to be the bigger problem. Much anger and resentment is involved here. It's just that I also blame my mother because she allows him to control it and knows full well he favors his sons. Still, I am the one who cares for them. They both seem to take advantage of the fact that my husband and I both have worked and succeeded and that makes us not need them while both my brothers do need them. They like that being in control and being needed. The communication is truly a BIG PROBLEM! The resentment is denied by them. I am not allowed to feel what I feel. The do not justify it; but ignore it. I don't think at this stage it is ever going to subside. I don't think there will ever be peace in my heart where they are concerned. It's been hurting to intensely for too long. I just need to know what am I to do. It's a struggle to see them and help them and I just don't know how I can do it. GardenArtist said, "I don't see a choice except to (a) arrange outisde care for parents so health is monitored (b) accept that it is out of my control; which is only going to deteriorate. That is a true statement and that is what I can count on. Thank you so much for your best wishes! It is at least soothing to know that others have experience such painful difficult family situations. Perhaps if my Mom survives my Dad; outside experts can help.
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Hadnuff, Sounds like you do have some of the same issues; at least with the brother and rentals. Wsa the income from the rentals suppose to provide to you as well? Thank you for replying too! I really appreciate it.
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Jspylock- boy do I feel for you!!! I just went through a very similar situation. I have a brother who financially exploited my mother for decades. He lived with her in a one bedroom apartment for years, of which he slept in the bedroom and made her sleep on the couch. He cleaned out her 401k, savings, and opened credit cards in her name. We still have no idea where her car is. All the while every time my brother & I tried to intervene he would bad mouth us and created a rift like you would not believe. It ended up causing a 15 year estrangement with my mother & the dead beat on one side and my brother and I on the other. I called elder services repeatedly on the POS and they never intervened stating that we needed family counseling.

I finally explained to the POS that eventually things would come to a head, and that when they did there would be bank statements , etc., that would show what he had done, and prosecution would follow. It took a couple of more years until he realized that her health was far more than he could handle and he left the state with her vehicle that he coerced her into signing over. It wasn't until this happened that we could get elder affairs in, was able to get a POA in place and a healthcare proxy. But that is merely the start, having these papers are only helpful when an elder is deemed incompetent by a Dr. or court. Which both are rightfully reluctant to do.

In the end my mom was declared incompetent but the brutal part is anything she did prior is considered of her own free will, meaning the POS will not be held accountable for what he did! And to add insult to injury he has threatened to sue us constantly. It is a terrible situation that I would not wish on anyone.
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I'm so sorry to hear of your dilemma. We have experienced, in a much smaller way, some similar issues. We found a great geriatric care manager to assist my mom and help the rest of the family members deal with all of the heavy emotions and decision making. She gained the trust of my mother and helps us with communication. She also knows more about the laws and health issues and refers us to other experts (like lawyers) for things that aren't her specialty. She has helped me learn to step back and accept some things that can't be changed. It still isn't perfect but things are much better and I have found some peace. Best wishes to you!
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I am also going to be left with a brother that doesn't live in the real world when mom dies. I am in charge of brothers trust. But I don't have a relationship with my brother. And you can't discuss anything with him. He has excessive anger. And when she still had a few apartments to rent told her to raise the rent. That was in responce to mom telling him she wasnt getting enought money from the apartments to pay all the bills associated with the building. Some tenants weren't paying their rent. Mom said there was some new law where she couldn't evict them. Brother didn't want mom to sell place. The income from place was supposed to provide income for him when mom dies. Raising rent on people that are poor and can't afford it. Or on people already not paying is stupid. But you cant explain that to my brother.
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Jspy, just a quick comment...I'm glad my post helped put things in perspective and you know that the analyses you've done are supported and viewed in a similar way by others, or at least me.

As to your last sentence, you DON'T have to accept that you have to deal with a brother who is unrealistic. You CAN just sever ties with him and walk away and leave him to flounder on his own. And frankly, that's exactly what I would do.

We women tend to have too many "caring genes." Sometimes it's hard to say, "I didn't cause the problem; I didn't exacerbate it; there was NOTHING I could do to change it, nor will the individual change. Therefore, I can move on with my own life."
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Hadnuff, I too am learning to distance myself from my mother. It's very sad though to not be able to enjoy her in these later years. She clearly needs help with her own medical attention that she will not get from my brothers or father but it is hard with the resentment built up inside. It makes me feel guilty that I don't do more. I have no choice but to distance myself for my own sanity.
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Freqflyer, my brother has no ownership, deed or anything in writing stating the building is his. There is a Commercial Realtor involved who has tried to rent the building but cannot 1.) because of the condition, 2.) because of the extreme amount of junk inside and 3.) because of the aggressive possessive behavior my brother exhibits anytime someone comes near it. The realtor contacted my husband to help but a confrontation with my brother ended our communication with him. Neither of us can deal with him. Selling the business and/or building was considered but in the end; a shark only wanted to offer under value to turn it around and not realizing my parents would give up; we encourage them to repair the roof and get the market value. They did nothing instead; as I said, went back to paying brother to do the work instead of hiring the contractor we set up.

Rainmom, Do my parents have a POA? I wish I knew for sure. They have the same lawyer they have had throughout the time they owned the business; which they obtained again, from my mother's father. I can't say I trust the man and here is why; when grandfather died, he left a trust. That trust was to be in 50% mom, with 1/3 to each me and my brothers. There is a second building that is one unit. That building was to be left to Mom only. Amazingly the four building rental was changed to Mom as sole owner and the one rental building was changed to the trust. My parents wanted this because they expanded the business into two rentals and they wanted total control of it without it being in the trust. As a loyal child and busy raising my own children; I did not question until the situation became so complex. I confronted Mom and told her I knew what was done and she promised to change it back. Of course it is way to late for that. I do not have documents to prove it. I only know what my grandfather told me up to the day he passed at age 95. Mom also inherited a summer home that I have used my entire life. Brothers never used it and never wanted to. The hoarding brother has used the front rental building for 30 years free at the expense of the business. Although I resented it and wished my parents would not allow it; I justified it by the fact that I used the vacation home and he did not. I even justified that the second brother who harrassed me from the business could have that and I should accept if because I used the vacation house and he did not. Now my husband maintain the vacation home and all it's problems but it is still Mom's home. With this building problem, I expect such great financial loss (if mom lives to age 95) that the summer home will be lost as well.

Is there an executor? Well, as far as I know; and I do not know much, her lawyer would be the executor. That really scares me too! I can guarantee my brothers are not executors because my mother, as much as she lives in denial, knows they are not capable of finances. There was a trust set up but recently, and this really concerns me; with my father, terminated it. This I believe brothers put her up to. She tried to terminate the trust set up by my grandfather just prior. I received a paper to sign. I refused! They were all angry over it. Just last week she told me she wished she could terminate that trust. I told her I would never because she only wants the money to pay for the losses caused by the brothers. However, if mom needs the money to life, it would be terminated. So yes, I would be partial beneficiary with my brothers. Which brings me to a future problem. With no trust, brothers will inherit money (whatever may be left). Since the first brother has never been able to support himself or handle finances; btw, files no taxes; another future problem; he will blow through any inheritance and be left on the street. Guess who's problem that will be!

GarenArtist, You hit it spot on! Even my husband enjoyed how you laid it all out. I agree with everything you said, but as you now see from what I've added, this nightmare will be haunting me for a very long time. 1-2-3-4; all out of my control, been living with it all my life; 5- I'm concerned about the vacation home and the trust my grandfather so desired we have going to my mothers long term care. Not that it shouldn't but all to keep brothers where they are now? I guess that is what prompted my starting this question.

6- it will not change and 7- my brothers are more important to my father and my mother is now listening to my father who is the biggest abuser of all. He took everything my grandfather built, took credit for it and allowed it all to go down the tubes so his son's could think they are important. As sick as that all is, it's true and yes, I'd be the family Cinderella. I already see the attacks of blame coming from my father. I am focusing on it not affecting my health but there are sleepless nights. GardenArtist, you right; the only option and/or responsibility is to assist in finding in home care. That was why I first logged onto this site but I also feel that if I am going to do anything to help them, they need to come clean about where it all stands because when they are gone, I am left to deal with a brother who is unable to function in the real world.
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This mess sound so much like mine. Only, my father is dead and I have only one brother. I've learned that you can only do so much. To help your parents. That I have been destroying my own life and health. And not getting anywhere. Its so extremely frustrating. I'm begining to learn to distance myself emotionally from mom. And be ready to help financially or searching for place for mom to live if ever neccesary. She wont want to leave brother to live with me. And unless it's emergency I dont want to take mom in.
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Rainmom, I wondered that same thing. This is what she wrote:

"I've told my parents I can help but they will not give me or my husband POA in any way because my bothers would be upset and I refuse to pay bills for the vacant rentals and business that they are using."

So it's not clear if the brothers are proxy or there's no POA in place at all.

But you raise very valid points; these parents need Wills, or their assets, such as they may be, will be subject to intestate laws. That might actually be beneficial though as the brothers wouldn't be able to exploit the system.
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Jspy, this is the way I see the situation, summing it up.

Negatives first.

1. Your father apparently is trying to guilt you into helping your mother, but tying your hands b/c of the partiality shown to the brothers. Your mother is not getting the health care she needs.

2. Your father has an unbalanced, disproportionate opinion of what you should do while allowing your brothers free rein to be irresponsible, and in fact having indulged them in that behavior apparently for years.

3. Your parents will not allow you legal authority to handle their affairs.

4. One brother interferes with your relationship with your mother by deleting your e-mails.

5. Your parents are withholding details of the "business" from you, thus shutting you out from being able to assess whether there's any value left in either the business (unlikely) or the buildings.

6. Given the way by which your brothers have been indulged and allowed to be irresponsible, I see no reason for that to change, or for your parents (who are overwhelmed) to be able to handle that. So the brothers are likely going to continue to be irresponsible.

7. Your parents are apparently draining their own assets through enabling and indulging the brothers, while shutting you out from making any positive recommendations, choices or taking any action to stem the flow of money.

Are there any positives to this situation? The only ones I see are that you're the only one assessing the situation and seeing that there are going to be very negative financial repercussions if/when your parents need financial assistance, or medical assistance in the home b/c of their failing health situations.

The basic, bottom line question is what can you do?

Can you change your parents' indulgent and enabling behavior? No.
Can you change or affect your brother's irresponsible behavior? No.

Does your father see you as the automatic choice for in-home assistance? Apparently yet.

Is he willing to allow you to participate in the business/financial decisions as a part of the total package of assisting him and your mother? No.

You would have responsibility, possibly meddling in your care by the brothers, and become a family Cinderella. You'd be blamed for any medical and/or care decisions by your brothers, and possibly your father.

If you accept the responsibility to care for your parents, will it drag you in like a whirlpool, affecting your health, and making you the workhorse of the family? Yes.

Is this a bad situation? Absolutely.

Hard as it is, I think this is a situation that cannot be turned around because of your parents' allowance of the irresponsible behavior of your brothers. Could you stand in front of a landslide or tsunami and stop it? No.

Honestly, I don't see any choice except to (a) arrange for outside care for your parents so at least their health is monitored and (b) accept that the building situation is beyond your control, as is their financial situation which is likely only going to deteriorate.

Women are fixers and try to correct injustices and I do understand that you can't just walk away and leave your parents. So choose your priorities.

Instead of putting any money into what is probably a dilapidating building, put it instead into home care for your parents.

I have been very blunt b/c I think you're experiencing so much frustration, perhaps guilt, and consternation that shows in your posts that I'm hoping my bluntness will allow you to see that this is not a fixable situation.
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I'll ask again as I think it is an important point - do your parents have a POA? Even though you think your parents are making bad decisions now - it could get a lot worse. If you dad were to pass suddenly could your mother remain on her own making good decisions not only for this white elephant of a building but for her current home and for her own health? Is there a valid will in place - who is named executor? If it's one of your brothers things could really get messy - if they can't run their own business or be successfully finanically independent on their own, how would they possibly be able to process an estate? Something to think about if you are a partial beneficiary on anything along side your brothers.
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Jspylock, does your brother have in writing that he own the building and/or the business? Is the building Deed in his name? Do your parents want to sell the building and/or business?

If yes, then seek out a really good Commercial Realtor who isn't afraid of standing toe to toe with your brother. The Commercial Realtor can sell the building and/or the business. Sell one or both while your parents are still able to understand a Listing Agreement and sign same.

The building can be sold, and your parents could possibly remain as a tenant under a signed lease, but that would depend on the new owner. If your parents paid themselves rent and had a lease, then the new owner would need to honor said lease.
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It is one brother hoarding in the two rentals, the second brother soaking them dry in the business that makes no money. In a sense the second brother is as tied as I am but during the Holiday's I called and told him he either needs to take over the business or help them sell it because father is home bound and mom can't handle it. He hung up on me. Then when I said the same to his partner; she replied he just works there. It's my parents job to do that. That was the same time she informed me it's usually the daughter's job to take care of the parents. It seems talking to them is a waste of time. You are on the mark with my parents being overwhelmed and at this point it is not possible for them to handle it. In fact, they need living assistance. I first logged onto this site to investigate finding in home assistance. Then I stopped because I thought, how can I look for help while my mother is not eliminating the other issues that need to be dealt with first. It is embarrassing to ask for help while she is still doing these other things that need to be given up.

Obtaining injunctions on the brothers is what I would need to do but it's true that my parents will side with them out of there loyalty to them. That is concerning. What chances of it being successful if my parents won't acknowledge it needs to be done?
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There is no profit income from the business. Therefore business is not paying rental and my parents are absorbing those costs from there savings. While my parents do not let me know the details (that in itself is very frustrating) at times they have slipped and let it be known they have paid for the business from their personal accounts. Four years ago when the roof leaked the renter of the the two rear buildings moved out. The reason the roof leaked was because my parents were paying my unqualified brother to repair it so he could have income. My husband stepped in to help getting several quotes for the roof repair to make the building desirable to rent. Meanwhile, brother started taking over the building. Then they paid him again to work on it. At the point my husband gave up. My mother never looked in the building and believed father was handling it. Then a year later brother #2 calls to tell me how bad it is.

It is true the building is deteriorating. As far as selling the business or the buildings; they tried to go that direction but the business is not worth much and brother #2 would not assist. My husband and I could do it since we both have experience in manufacturing; but again, parents won't take our help for fear brothers will be angry. They seem to worry about fairness in that sense but not in the sense of what is being lost by all this. There was one business who wanted to buy the building at one point but older brother told them it was his. I think he scared them out of the idea for fear of dealing with him. This was told to me by a mutual contact. That ended that.
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I agree, it's not the time to try for guardianship. I don't care if the two brothers cut me off because I already do not care to ever see the first one who is flat out stealing from the entire family with his greed. The other is selfish and has never done anything for me and only contacts to complain occasionally, like once a year; even though we all live in the same area. His significant other informed me over a brief holiday greeting call that it is the daughter's responsibility to care for the parents. Her way of letting me know my brother will do nothing to care for them. Wow; no surprise there!
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If you were to obtain a lawyer in an attempt to gain guardianship there is no guarentee you would not be appointed but you would need a lot of compelling evidence to show your brothers are purposely taking advantage of your parents. Your parents would have to be deemed legally incompetent which is at a judges discretion usually based on two independent court appointed doctors findings. If your parents and/or your brothers choose to fight your attempt the guardian process can become very lengthy and very expensive. By chance, have your parents made provisions for Power of Attorney in the event they need someone to handle legal decisions? Who is making decisions now? Who is handling their money, writting the checks at this point in time?
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If I understand correctly and the brother(s) are hoarding in the building, it's a health hazard, for the other 2 units as well as for adjacent buildings. You could anonymously contact the local health agency and report it. That might at least get some action on cleaning the place up.

Are the other 2 units rented, and if so, are they drawing enough income to maintain expenses on the buildings?

I suspect your parents are just too overwhelmed with their own declining health to deal with the enabled brothers and the problems created any longer. And that's the problem - this is an endemic situation.

There might be a possibility of getting injunctions against the brothers to keep them from harassing your parents, but it seems as though your parents side with them.

Maybe others will have some suggestions; this seems like a difficult situation and extremely frustrating for you.
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Jspylock, I can understand you wanting to step back and watch from afar... otherwise it would be like poking a hornet's nest. Is there any income coming in from the business?

Sadly an industrial building sitting semi-vacant is just going to cave in on itself. If your parents aren't updating, it is only going to get worse. Try to convince your family to either sell the business, thus ask for rent on the building from the new business owner, or sell the business plus the building to someone interested in that type of work. When it comes to commercial real estate/businesses, it can take years to get an interested party. Or maybe a competitor might be interested in buying it all.

Stop sending Mom emails, she's at the age where today's technology is slipping away from her. Call her on the phone. Your brother can't erase voice to voice conversations.
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Well, you can petition for a Guardian to be appointed, BUT there has to be credible evidence that one or the other of them is legally incompetent. AND because of the conflict, none of the children will be appointed. Instead, a court appointed Guardian is paid, by their funds, to manage their assets.
So which would cost more? AND are you ready for all of them to cut ties with you completely in their anger? Think it through.
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