I moved my parents into my home 3 years ago. They are 89 and 86 They now need more care than I can provide. I have a business so I have caregivers come during the workday.
They have taken over my home, taken all my social life and now with the care they need want me to give up my business. I have found some assisted living places for them that are perfect. They have plenty of resources but will not leave my home because it is my job to take care of them - no matter what.

I am thinking of leaving my home and staying with a friend. My parents are not going to leave on their own accord. In fact, my father said that if I make them leave, he will contact an attorney to charge me with elderly abuse.

Are there any legal or maybe not so legal remedies out there?

I am now desperate.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Thanks for the input. I did have a nurse from an assisted living facility come
to evaluate their care level. I have also requested the same from their doctor.
My parents have been married for 68 years and my mother has catered to his
every need. Even when caregivers are present - he will try to demand that she be the one that takes care of him. When I moved them into my home it was a result of my fear that my mom would wear herself out. She was losing her eyesight, exhausted and weighed 89 pounds. The long term plan was for them to move to a retirement community - but once they moved into my home - he decided that this was a really good deal. I understand that my mother has real responsibility in letting this go on for 68 years - but it is hard to stand by and let him grind her down. Little did I know that in just 3 years, he would suck the life out of both of us. So obligation and fear for my mom is at the root of all of this. Perhaps it is this generation that feels that a woman is to sacrifice her well-being and own health for her husband and the husband expects it. I have seen this with a number of their brothers or sisters. Or it could be that that this family is just one big dysfunctional family. I am hanging in there and getting help.
I appreciate your comments and support.
Helpful Answer (0)

((((((((hugs))))))) Have you contacted the local agency on aging and Social Services. It seems it is time for professionals to become involved. It is not your job to look after them to the degree that it robs you of your life, unless you choose to do that. Others here have had to place their parents elsewhere for the same reasons you mention. I agree that talking to your parent's doctor may help. One of the agencies can do an evaluation and you can tell them that you are not able to give the level of care your parents need. Their care needs will only increase as they get older and it is totally unreasonable to expect you to give up your businesses to care for them, As regards the threat of a charge of elder abuse, if I were you I would consult a lawyer knowledgeable about elders matters as to your rights within your own home, and your responsibilities towards your parents. Leaving your home may be a solution but check with the experts first regarding your responsibilities towards them. In the meanwhile I would insist that they hire more people e.g. someone at night if needed, and also insist or recapturing your social life. They cannot take over your social life without your consent. Start going out with friends, having friends over, taking a vacation, joining a group, taking some classes - whatever you want to do, and do not allow them to get in your way. Some parents become, or originally were, very narcissistic and will suck the very life out of you. Only you can change that. Detach from them and any threats or manipulations. My suspicion is that they have been manipulative all along, or you would not have gotten into this situation. Their expectations are selfish and unrealistic. Do they use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - to get their way?
Please make some changes and look after you!
sunflo2 - you have made the right decision. It is sad. Eventually your mum will have to chose one of the options available to her.

Both of you - take care ((((((hugs)))) Joan
Helpful Answer (0)

What is the situation? Is the home in your name? Do your parents contribute to the mortgage or household expense? You are in a tough spot if you can't agree on care needs and outside care assistance (sounds like you don't want the extra caregivers in your home round the clock).

I suggest you hire an elder care consultant, get a referral from local senior center or senior services in your area. Also speak with parents doctors and enlist his help in helping your parents understand the skilled care needs and that you can no longer provide.

Hopefully the elder advisor will do an independent evaluation and can be a mediator in this. Your parents will still balk but at least you have an independent opinion who won't have bias.

I know you are doing all you can and hopefully have visited some nice nearby places that can meet your parents needs. Their other option is to move out to their own place and hire in-home care or a live in.

I wish you luck. This is a hard situation that so many get involved in. I have learned tremendously thru this site and that is the very reason I have let my mom know that I love her and will help, but can't take her in. That she has options to hire skilled assistance to come to her home or move to AL or memory care. She has refused both.

It's a sad situation, but I refuse to quit my job and uproot family to care for her. I know that I won't have the skill set to manage her health in the long term.
Helpful Answer (0)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter