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How do you legally inform the proper people that you will not be taking care of a person anymore? Since my boyfriends father died, i have no obligation to care for his mother. I do not like her at all. Yesterday, she told his sister she didnt like me and told him and i if we didnt break up she would kill herself. I can avoid her but my name is on documents with doctors and social workers that i provide care. How do i make sure all of these people understand, i will do nothing...no wood in wood burning stove, cooking, shopping, medications, pick her up when she falls. I already let my cpr and first aid certifications expire so im not obligated to help if anything happens. Is verbal authorization okay or is it something that i should send to people notarized and cerified mail?

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I feel the same way quite a bit. My mom says its personality traits based upon birth order...im an oldest child and have a stronger personality while hes the baby and alot more laid back. I think there is some truth to it. He always tells me to walk away but thats not me. Ive seen his brother throw his father into a wall and go into rages and hes afraid my smart ass comments will set his brother off and he wont be around. His brother is on psych meds but they dont control the rage. It doesnt help, he drinks with medication. Everyone just walks around on pins and needles around him so they dont have to deal with it.
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YOUR attitude??... How about his smirking over his mother's misfortune?. I rrreally want to smack him. Not man enough to stand up for you, but happy to be all full of himself when you stand up for yourself?

He does not sound worthy of you, my dear.
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Well, under the advice of a lawyer, i went to my boyfriend's mothers care meeting. All doctors, social workers and the waiver program are aware of the fact I will do nothing to help her. I was asked several questions like if i would get her out of the house if there is fire...no, she is not my responsibility, I will not be there. She was in tears by the end of the meeting because APS will be getting involved again because of safety issues. My boyfriend actually supported my decision and smirked the entire time. His brother and sister in law are furious and went off on him for my attitude. I felt so bad for him because his aunts were around and he was embarassed but he needs to fight his own battles
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Way to go Tacy!! Good luck
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Thanks MomDaughter, I talked to my old boss and I'm starting back to my old job on the March 1st. Three days a week in the city and two days out of the house...Im so excited. I could have started earlier but I needed some mental health and relaxation time.
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You need a break if nothing else. You deserve to take care of yourself for a while.
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I talked to my old boss about everything going on and hes having his lawyer call me monday to draw up a letter. Hes in brazil for a week and when he comes back we are meeting for lunch about me going back to my old job. I really need to get back to city life.

The unfortunate thing about all of this is the failure of family to but the best interests of their mother on the front burner. I am all for rights of an individual but not when their rights infringe on someone elses rights. I ran into our doctor at the store yesterday and hes sending me to a dietician to help me gain some weight back in a healthy manner.
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As you asked for the legal way to do it, there's your answer right there. Lawyer!
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Tacy, caregivers can be all kinds.
For instance, Nurses or Docs who are caring for someone they agree to care for, must make Reasonable, Appropriate arrangements for someone else to take over that care, or risk being sued for patient abandonment.
Advocates are NOT in that category.
An advocate might or not, do caregiving, and, might be on Care Plans as a person the medical office or welfare office can also contact, in addition to the person.
Doing that, I am listed on numerous people's DSHS files, and Medical system files, as being their Advocate, to help them get their needs met.
BUT, at any time, if my health or, if there are other pressing family matters get in the way, since I am NOT their full-time caregiver, I can remove my name from those records, usually by contacting those offices, preferably in writing, letting them know to remove my name from the contact list.
It helps if I can supply them with another person willing to be the client's Advocate in my place. It might require the client to fill out a new form, listing the other person as their alternate contact person.
As a family Caregiver, though...tougher.
Blood relatives are hardest to disassociate with.
By marriage, comes next. But, it sounds like you are not married, just living with your Boyfriend, in someone else's house, and have been caregiving for them.
Now one of them has died, and you feel no connection nor compulsion to stay and keep being the caregiver to the demented elder who still lives there.

I cannot imagine a State or System could force you to keep being on her care plan, just because you started out on it. That would make the State and/or system liable for complicity in her and her family's abuse of you [or whoever caregiver], in some circumstances.

Take that issue up with the BF.
If he makes ANY noises like criticism for your wanting OUT of that messy caregiving responsibility, he does NOT have your best interests at heart. MAYbe you should really think hard about staying connected with him. Any of his family who have not been directly involved in caregiving these elders, has no room to criticize. Even if some were doing some caregiving, the behaviors you described they did, are sick-headed. You have already spent time, effort and resources taking care of the other one, and BF's family is doing/saying things like you described?!
In my book, that is Time-to-Leave -- nay -- disappear -- from that crew.

UNfortunately, there are NO real protections for caregivers.
The only way to protect ourselves, is to make sure care agreements are in writing, and have "out" clauses the whole family understands.
AND, even more, keep detailed diaries/calendars of daily events, behaviors, remarks, actions, etc. for both you and the Elder you are caring for. Times, dates, who, what, when, where, how. It takes just a few notes on a calendar, or in a diary, to document time spent, care given, etc. A single single document like that can then be used in court, in case they start throwing legal actions.
But, you are about to move out.
So, advice to call the police to do Wellness checks, or, otherwise filing Police reports for any abusive episodes towards you, is a moot point.

Be sure you try to take ALL your belongings you wish to keep, with you in one load.
Or, before announcing you are leaving, start moving some of your stuff out to a storage place.
When there is anger and bad behaviors like those described, the family will tend also to play games with your belongings....anything to keep you trapped. They cannot help themselves; it's what they learned to do. It's unlikely to change.

I wish you luck, and healing for your situation!
It sounds like you are resourceful, and have already started putting your ducks in a row. GOOD!
Your being proactive, is one of the best things you have going for you.
You woke up, and you are taking actions to protect yourself.
Stick to it!
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Sweetie, you need to get out of that toxic situation NOW. Do you have any friend's couch you can sleep on until you find your own place? Even if it just renting a room somewhere, you will be so much better off. I pray you find the strength and wherewithal to get yourself out now before it destroys you.
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Maybe it;s time for a new boyfriend? And I also don;t understand how you can be made to stay in this situation. Keep working on getting out before this does you in sister!
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No my name isnt on second mortgage. The morphine was for his dad. Due to rapid decline, hospice had to get drugs from local pharmacy rather than having it through fedex. I work from the house currently but would make alot more outside the house plus self employment in michigan is terrible from a tax perspective.
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I was wrong about the drug question. Sorry! I was thinking of another drug.
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I sure hope your name is not on that second mortgage. I wonder how you are able to pay this without a job outside of the house? Do I understand you correctly that your boyfriend has a drug problem? This sounds bad all around to me and the sooner you get out, the better off you will be.
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No, i dont have to stay, but it will take me about a week or two to get a job outside the house and find a different place. Ive been packing and catching up on work all day.
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Okay, Tacey, I don't understand the logic here. You say you will no longer care for her and they say "you're mean"? That doesn't mean that you have to stay.
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I have told my boyfriend and his family and the answer is im mean to her. I dont feel im mean, i just dont enable. The mortgage payment i make is for the second mortgage that was taken out for gambling addictions. So no i wont take her to casino. As for his father just dying, when my boyfriend was out getting morphine, she had her other son grab me put my head next to him and told me i did that and killed him. So no mild dementia does not let her off the hook from being a b!tch. Ive taken too much from her so i just want others to take responibility. I have not wanted to take care of her for a long time, im just acting on it now.
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In my opinion, making a monthly mortgage payment for rent is paying far too much for rent.
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I'm sure there's a lot about this situation I'm not understanding, but why not just tell your boyfriend? And if any of the people who have your name call you for any reason, give them your boyfriend's name and number and tell them you're no longer involved with the family. I don't think being someone's contact with a doctor or social worker obligates you to anything, unless you are the only person available. This woman has children and you're in contact with them - once they're aware that you've left the scene they have to take responsibility, or make some other arrangements.
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Thanks rainmom. Yes we live in the same house but i make a mortgage payment for rent and have a different address. The boyfriend is moving upstairs today because of the fight. I notified her casemanager with waiver and shes the one that stated only his mom can take me off the care plan which she wont do. I made some calls today to get a job outside the house. Our doctor is writing a letter to waiver also concerning how she affects my health to get me out of the situation. I know hes mad at me over her but her friends and relatives her age have all reached out to me and ive learned that shes manipulated alot of people and is not well liked. Her brothers widow offered to adopt me. So if we are over, we are over. Its not anything ill lose sleep over.
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Do you live in the same house as her? I know that you were POA for his Dad, but are you or your BF POA for his Mother? I am sorry you are stuck in this horrible dilemma, I would notify all of her children, yes, by certified /return receipt letter, and move out as quickly as possible, if you are in the same house! She sounds demented, and I don't mean dementia!
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Tacy, whoever is giving you this information about the waiver program sounds like the person who needs to be notified. You cannot be made to be a caregiver against your will.

I'd start with notifying APS that you are no longer able to be her caregiver.
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Tacy - I'm sorry about "the old man". I know that was always said with love and true caring. You are so making the right choice regarding the mom - like I've said, this was never your burden to carry in the first place. Write a letter saying you are not responsible for your bfs mom - make copies, sign each one individually then mail them certified mail with signature upon delivery. Mail a letter to anyone and everyone you've ever talked to regarding her care. Heck - mail one to your bf! It would be great if you had the name of the new responsible party along with their phone number listed in the letter - but if not, still not your problem. Now - take a breath and get yourself back to your life. You went above and beyond in trying to help the parents.
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Where is your boyfriend in all of this? I sure hope he is supportive of you
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Aps will not do anything because shes on waiver. Waiver states she must remove me from her careplan. That is not acceptable so im trying to find a way around that because its my choice.
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Sorry, I mentioned the wrong group to contact. The correct group is Adult Protective Services.
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Good heavens, Tacy, your boyfriend's father passed just 24 hours ago. I am sure in part, even though your boyfriend's mother has dementia, she senses that her husband is no longer there.

I realize you went through a lot with your boyfriend's parents, he expected you to do all the work, and there is a resentment on your part. It's not easy when boyfriend's Mom makes nasty comments, but you need to remember it's the dementia doing the talking, not his Mom.

As for a legal form, I am not familiar with any such legal document, but if somehow you are able to get one drawn up by an Attorney, how would that set with your boyfriend?
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Is anyone her durable or medical POA? If so, they need to be informed. If not, contact the department of aging and tell them your situation. I bet her threat to kill herself is just blowing smoke to get you to break up with your boyfriend. What did your boyfriend say back to her when she told him that she would kill herself?
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