Father's third has just filed for divorce and he is 86. I am his only child and have an obligatory( at best) relationship with him for my adult life. He has always been very bitter, manipulative and claims he is clinically depressed. He has seen therapist for as long as I can remember and blames his mother ( and all women) for his feelings of inadequacy. He has a narcissistic personality and leaves me guilt ridden after every call or visit. He refuses to give anyone POA but I am seeing poor financial decisions being made. My morals prevent me from caring, but frequent involvement with him makes me physically/mentally sick and continued contact may hurt the relationship I have with my spouse and children. My husband and I have zero respect for him for many reasons.

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I'm not sure that will work; I called the facility this guy's dad was at to let them know he was moving out of state, back to where he'd just moved to, without letting them know; maybe I shouldn't have? but, sure enough, the end of the next week, while I was actually in that state he was moving to; I'd gone up there for a funeral; they called me to let me know he was being discharged; he was actually only there for rehab, which that was only because he'd had to have emergency surgery, because he had brought him down out of state to where he'd just moved to without working out his medical, though, actually not sure he could have since they say there's always a 45 day delay when you transfer states if you're on state medical, so what are you supposed to do if something happens in that time; he couldn't get his medicine, which is what led to him needing the surgery - anyway they needed to know what to do
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No, you are not financially responsible. Are you responsible in the case of neglect? Unless you have broken all ties with him, you are most certainly MORALLY responsible. That realization should be enough. If you believe he is in danger, report the situation to Adult Protective Services. Be sure to tell them that you will accept absolutely no responsibility for his situation or his future care. Stay crystal with them. They'll get them the help they need.
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but definitely something that should be checked into; more and more states are implementing these laws, at least if they're on the hook, which we don't know his financial situation
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WR, I was thinking in terms of financial obligations.

See: forbes/sites/northwesternmutual/2014/02/03/who-will-pay-for-moms-or-dads-nursing-home-bill-filial-support-laws-and-long-term-care/ for a brief overview of the concept. (if the link is removed, google "filial responsibility laws".)

If she did get guardianship, that might come into play. However, I haven't researched that many of the statutes and/or summaries of the law's provisions - that's a project for a rainy day when gardening season is over.

BTW, I like your "no holds barred" advice!

And you're soooo right about others opining without being asked (and generally without knowledge of a situation) about the son/daughter's handling of an elder's care.
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You may eventually have to get legal guardianship to deal with his finances and care but he has to be mentally incompetent for this. You can also walk away from it all and let the state, county or whomever deal with his hateful a**. I'm not aware of any legal issues requiring kids to care for parents. be prepared for friends, neighbors and relatives to talk sh.... On you, but screw em. Tell them to move in with the guy and deal with him
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Research your state's laws, or contact the Area Agency on Aging to inquire if your state has filial responsibility laws.

You asked only about the legal or financial responsibility; were you thinking that you might have caregiving (i.e., housing, cleaning, cooking, etc.) responsibilities as well? If so, based on what you're written, I think it would be a disaster for you, particularly given his apparent chauvinistic attitude toward women.

I think it would be helpful if you investigate placement opportunities for him, but if he also refuses to delegate authority via a DPOA or medical proxy, I don't know how much you can be expected to do for someone who doesn't seem to trust on the legal or financial levels.

But do verify if there are filial responsibility laws in your state as the first step in your evaluation.
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