It's been going on for 20 years. We've voiced our disapproval and there's nothing but excuses, denial, enabling going on for years. I'm not sure how this will even help, except for me to vent and get some outsiders insight. My #1 question are these events considered elder abuse, in legal terms? My 90 yr old grandmother is in good mental and physical health, is not an invalid, is independent, drives, has an active social life. She's been forgetting things sometimes, needed major surgery (recovered fine), but that's the worst of her health issues so far. She's of sound mind, but thinks the biggest opportunist in our family is a saint and gets upset if you suggest otherwise. Denial.
My grandparents loaned $40K to my aunt and her hubby years ago. My grandma herself eventually told me, they stopped paying her back the day grandpa died and she became "persona non grata"--gram's own words. My aunt's claim to fame at this time was being the "book keeper" for her hubby's business and her own household. Her hubby had a nursing degree and ran a "home aid" business. They lived above their means for years: luxury home, vacations & cruises, antiques, $30k baby grand piano, gold plated silverware (Liberace would be proud!), cars, designer clothing, etc. My aunt wrote the checks and had to know about their finances. Yet Grandma won't hold my aunt accountable for anything, placing all the blame on my aunt's hubby at the time. They would have loaned my aunt $40k no matter who her hubby was, because she's their daughter and they trusted.
Grandma married my step-grandpa a few years later. My aunt and her hubby filed for bankruptcy (TWICE), lost their home to foreclosure, and split up. My unemployed aunt never lifted a finger to get her own apt or job, so my grandparents allowed her to move into their home. During this time my step-grandpa lost $20K in a scam that targets elderly people. He also had a stroke and ended up in a wheelchair. My grandma, aunt, and mom (who works full time) all helped take care of him. Within a few months my step-grandpa gave my aunt $50K to buy her own home. My grandma went along with this. My mom was extremely upset: You don't accept that kind of money from an elder who's already lost $20K in a scam-- You get off your butt, get a job, and buy your own home like everybody else. My step-grandpa's son had power of attorney on his dad's finances, but was deliberately kept in the dark. The son went through his dad's paperwork, trying to figure out how $70K vanished. They eventually told him about the scam, but I don't know if he was told about my aunt's "gift house". To this day, my aunt and grandma badmouth the son for investigating. My step-grandpa soon passed, his family hates ours, my mother doesn't blame them for hating us, and I agree with my mom 100%!
As soon as my step-grandpa died (not long after his stroke), my aunt doesn't pay anything back. Excuse this time is my step-grandpa wanted her to have that money. My aunt has a bachelor's degree. After step-grandpa passed, she worked exactly one year full-time and was fired. She never lifted a finger to get a full-time job again. She worked part-time once or twice a week and whine to me about "having to work", she wasn't concerned about her lack of hours, just annoyed she had to work at all. She's in perfect physical health, better than most. As soon as she was old enough she applied for SS and her pension, taking a huge $ cut. My aunt (and grandma) tells everyone she's a "retired so-and-so", even though she only worked one year full-time her entire adult life. She had the nerve to ask grandma for a $5K loan, that time grandma put her foot down. But only because she didn't approve of my aunt allowing her deadbeat kids into her home, the one my step-grandpa's money bought for my unemployed aunt. My aunt's kids take right after her, and her grandkids too-- No work ethic, not working for years, leeching off their mom and other family members, etc. My grandma has lots of negatives to say about my aunt's kids & grandkids, ignoring the fact she allowed my aunt to get away with the exact same things, more so even! Nothing compares to "gifting" someone $90K, and my aunt hasn't done that for her deadbeat kids. The only "extra" money my aunt had access to was my grandma's, only about $10K, but that's gone now too.
A year ago my grandma had heart surgery. 99% was covered by her insurance (I saw bill with my own eyes). Grandma tells everyone the uncovered 1% is what "did her in" financially and wiped out her remaining savings. She was telling us she might have to sell her home (payed for in full 40 years ago). My mom told grandma giving $90K to my aunt is what wiped her out. My brother tried telling grandma my aunt should be giving her monthly payments ( I moved into Gram's and was paying her $400, then $500 month rent for one room). If I pay that for 1 room, surely auntie dearest can pay that much for a whole house?