Serious legal problem with alcoholic brother and invalid parent. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Serious legal problem with alcoholic brother and invalid parent. Any advice?

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My mother is an invalid, I take care of her at home. My brother last year took care of her for a few months as well and we would split time with her but I noticed whenever I took her back with me she was in worse condition. My brother is a compulsive manipulating liar. My brother was promised a large cash gift by my mother who is quite wealthy but it is still being held in the joint bank account I have with my mother. My brother got sick and has been staying at my house for the last 3 months because of my stupidity for feeling sorry for him. During this time I have come to realize he is a complete alcoholic, but one of those ones who hides it very well so he can trick a lot of people and was able to somehow keep my mother alive for the time she was with him prior. My mother cannot talk or write anymore. I caught my brother with my mother telling absolute lies about me and trying to manipulate her against me and into going to live with him and going out of the country. I heard every word he said and came in on him telling him he has to give me his bank info for me to transfer his cash gift from my mother, then he needs to get out of my house by the end of this month. There are no witnesses to his alcoholism that I can testify in court. I do not trust my brother at all to be able to take care of her properly but he is able to manipulate my mother very well and she is able to nod to questions so if she was brought before a judge and asked if she wanted to go traveling to Europe with my brother she would no doubt nod, because she is deluded by him no doubt because she was married to another alcoholic our father for decades. I do not want to be forced to loose tens of thousands of dollars fighting my brother in court maybe for years and maybe in the end custody removed from both of us and given to the state. I just want to know ideas on if there really is any way to protect her from him taking her places when we both have the same power of attorney for care with no primary, and without being forced to fight him in court and possibly even loose or make things worse. I would like to keep his gift from him as well but if I did then he would try and sue me for that as well. We are in Canada so the law may be different here but anyone with ideas how to get this alcoholic out of our lives may help. I just forsee him turning my mother against me then him taking her somewhere and her getting worse physically while there under his drunk care where it will be much harder for me to take care of her after they come back which makes my life harder as well and it is hard enough by far already.

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Philis, I just found this post, it clarifies for me some things you said on the other one.
First, I think you are overreacting over the whole POA issue. POA for health is put in place to have someone make decisions for you if you become incapacitated. Unless your mother's doctors are looking to you and/or your brother for direction on 'pulling the pug' or your mom's level of dementia is so great that they need you to co-ordinate and approve of her care it will never even come up.
As financial POA you control the purse strings, so it would be pretty hard for your unemployed brother to take her out of the country without your help. Since she lives in your home you also can deny him access to her unless you are present, so the opportunity to manipulate her wouldn't exist. If you truly feel he will move to obtain guardianship over her then you probably do need a lawyer to pursue that guardianship for yourself, but if he is just yanking your chain then you can just tune him out.
Also, I wouldn't fight over the money your mom promised to him, it is after all HERS to give.
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As I said before, Mom needs a lawyer. Get her one.
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He does not menace when he is drunk, he just appears tired. He masks it very well, I found out he has been doing this for maybe 20 years so he is a master at appearing normal while being drunk.
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So he has PoA. That doesn't mean he's not a danger to mom if he's drunk. Call the police if he's drunk and have him removed for menacing. Then you'll have the police as witnesses to his drunkeness.
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"Tell your brother that he is no longer allowed unsupervised visits with mom, and that if he continues to talk against you, he won't be able to see her at all."

I would like to do that but how could I do it legally since he is 50/50 for healthcare POA, would I not loose if he took me to court and after loosing tens of thousands in legal fees as well? There is no way I can prove his alcoholism in court as there are no other witnesses to it except me.
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I didn't read your reply beyond it appears mom contracted to give him that gift. What right do you then have to NOT give it to him? I'll answer my own question. You are wrong to withhold that gift. The rest of my post stands. But honor your mom's commitment. I don't care if he's blind drunk every night. Mom contracted. Pay up.
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It is not even firstly a money issue since he is also the heir 50/50 with me in her will as well, it is more that he knows how to hide his alcoholism and I can't see any affordable way of getting full guardianship of her and getting him out of the apt and keeping him from taking her to live with him without spending large amounts of money with lawyers which would probably make me die of a stroke myself or disgust. I won't refuse him coming to visit her at my place (not sleeping over though) but I don't want him taking care of her long term. I am thinking if I just stood in his way in the door if he tried to take her on a trip my mother would turn against me in confusion as well since she would not like him moving from my place as he knows how to play into her and she wants to go traveling with him as she doesn't take anything seriously.
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Phillis, you sound paralyzed with fear that anything you do will be held against you. I think you need a lawyer for your mother who can take on this problem and that lawyer needs to be paid out of mom's funds. Neither you nor any lay person can solve this problem.

Second, you sound as though you may be depressed. Find out what resources are available for you to be seen by a mental health counselor so that you can get the support you need.
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It sounds like you need to visit an attorney to see what options are available to help your mother. Perhaps money could be held in a trust with an appointed trustee. There could be ways to protect your mother from financial abuse that will remove the problem from being your direct responsibility. I am not personally comfortable with your denying your mother and brother access to each other, but you could give someone else the say-so over financial handouts.

Does anyone on the group know what type of attorney is a good one to consult about trusts and such things that would protect an elder's money for family abuse? I am not versed in these things, so couldn't give technical advice.
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You've explained in great detail your situation and been given some good advice. Make some decisions and take some action to get this guy shut down.
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