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What is it that I'm legally supposed to do? Parents out of control! See, I'm only my mom's POA if my dad dies or becomes incapacitated. And I'm only my Dad's POA if something happens to my mom. But my mother has dementia. My father uses the paperwork on my mom who has dementia to bring me into every marital squabble they have, down to how often they have sex or whether or not she can leave and find her another man. Or whether or not he can put the house plants in the kitchen while he lays tile in the living room floor. It's exasperating! Between the two of them I feel like I am going NUTS! I feel like it's the same chaos that I was in when I was a kid. I don't want to play marriage counselor to them! I don't want to hear about their sex life or lack of it. Or whether my mother can leave again. Or anything.
I do want to do my duty as their daughter - I want to be ethical, but this drama, I feel like is just pointless.
My mother hates me, she hates, my brother she hates my kids, she doesn't want any of us around. She complains that my father spends too much time with his kids and family and not enough time buying her presents and having sex with her - its a replay of my childhood and to be honest, I don't think I can take it.
I feel shitty for feeling this way, but is this really what being their POA is supposed to be about?
They fuss and fight like cats and dogs. Every day it's something new.
She's hitting him with hair brushes, screaming at him for something that happened in their marriage when I was a kid and honestly I just dont give a rats ass anymore. They fight about church, but my mom refuses to go and my dad wont go with her. It's all the same fights. I don't even know why they remarried 10 years ago. It's like they love to breed chaos.
Every time I talk to them I tell them that at some point all that fussing and yelling is gonna have the neighbors calling the police to their house to find out what the commotion is. Dad's reply is that he'll shoot the cops for interfering in his life, and mom's reply is that she'll act out even more and dare someone to tell her what to do.

What do I do?

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You need to read your papers; Are you Medical Power of Attorney or are you full Power of Attorney.

From my experience with my narcissistic mom and the sisters that are her MPOA, it's a whole different ball game on duties and responsibilities for each. I lived in another state and only got involved with my mother's care two years ago. There is constant bickering and fighting among the three of us (only 3 of 4 sisters care for her now) The one with the first MPOA, is on her checking account, and her husband is the POA/Executor of the estate at her death.

The rub is that mom is in dementia and tries to play all of us off one another as she did when we were growing up. She refuses to bathe with one, refuses to walk for another, and refuses to do anything for the other.

I'm in ill health, all three of us here are, really. So we each do the best we can. She is demanding and threatens us with going into a nursing home if we don't do what she wants when she wants. BUT she forgets daily what it is that she wants.

I've put it to her that anytime she's not comfortable living with me a month out of three she can go to the nursing home. I've changed my life in every way for her and now she is learning that I'm not going to jump on every whim....she no longer threatens me.

You read your papers, find out your real obligations, and then show them you are not their marriage counselor and whipping boy any longer. Stop being the punching bag and give them the option of Assisted Living. You should not feel guilty about your feelings......YOU'VE earned them!!!
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Oh boy. You have your hands just full of fun there Dayna! Good luck with the assessment, I'll look out for your update.
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I appreciate all of you taking the time to give me your thoughts.
I hate that I feel the way I do. Being able to come here and say how I feel is everything. There's days I don't know what move to make next.
I've been trying to get my mothers family of 10 to come in and help -
My aunt came this past week and stayed and visited with my mom for a bout 4 hours. I was surprised and pleased. My father usually wont allow her in the house because they have opposite religious views. I was pleased that dad allowed her to come. It's something my mother needs - To spend time with her family, her sister and brothers.. people she grew up with. She already has forgotten most of them.

To be honest I need to get out my legal papers. I did take a quick look at a few and I am only moms POA if something happens to my father, and I am my fathers, if something happens to him. I believe I mis-spoke before. My apologies. I don't look at the papers on a regular basis.
I feel like I have been given the run around - (silly I know, now that all is said and done) But they wanted what assets they have to be separated in their will. I'm to make sure my mothers family gets what is owed to them in my mothers will and my fathers brother and my brother get what is owed to them. Most people wonder why I don't receive anything, again that goes to my parents religious beliefs - the only thing they have together is their home
My father wanted his son (my brother) to do and be all of his legal needs down to medical needs. I, was simply the only sober responsible person who showed up and agreed to be what they needed. My aunt wouldn't even agree to take my mother's POA and my uncle wouldn't take my fathers - My father did not want a female to oversee his affairs, but until someone in my family sobers up and steps up to the plate I'm all they have.
My parents are Fundamentalist Pentecostal, my father wont allow my mother to see a male doctor or nurse (so if mom were to ever need hospital care, it would be a doosey getting him and her both to cooperate, seeing how both men and women work in hospitals) and he himself refuses to see a doctor, claims it's against his religion.

I did manage to get Amedysis Home Health Care to agree to work with my parents. My father had told them I was the POA, which isn't exactly true. I am ONLY if something happens to him. So that had to be straightened out. Thankfully my father agreed to have someone come in and help with mother. My coming (and yes we tried it) doesn't agree with her and sets my mother off on a tirade.

I'm due to call them today while Amedysis does their assement visit, to start things up. Will post later and let you know how it goes and see if anyone has any advice for me to glean from.
Thank you all, you help me more than you know.
And it's Dayna.
Dayna Marie Ward (Shalamar is just a pen name)
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They felt bad for her, but I am not sure that they were angry with us. I guess that we are all conditioned to think that parents can do no wrong (unless we are manipulated otherwise), so that probably worked in our favour...
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Being a good daughter absolutely is not about getting trampled. Plus, being a good mother outranks good daughter every time! I'm so sorry the children were upset by her behaviour, I hope they realised it was nothing anyone had done wrong and part of their grandmother's personality (the less loveable part!).
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Thanks country mouse I had not read the post properly! I agree that bringing in social services would be a good idea. I also grew up with my parents constantly fighting and screaming at each other. Of course you want to do your duty, but sometimes people will just not let you.
I took my mom out recently for Mother's Day - I had planned a nice meal with presents. As soon as she arrived she found an excuse to throw a huge tantrum and we had to drive her back almost right away. The kids were in tears. The next time I went to visit her the first thing she wanted to talk about was how upset the kids had been about her (she was clearly relishing the drama). Being a good daughter should not be about getting trampled.
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Shalamar - read up on narcissistic personality disorder - lots on this website and other forums. The extreme behaviors, the drama, the need for an audience - YOU - are all hallmarks of the problem. It will not get better - they will not need less attention from you. It will escalate. Dementia will enhance the behaviors, even if they did not exist before. Right now, you cannot change a thing. I understand - my life is full of them. Boundaries and if you have to - call block or just let them roll to voicemail. Hugs to you as someone who's been in those trenches with you. Unless you are willing to bring in APS, things will not change. Fear Obligation Guilt - FOG - this is what narcissists use to bring you in.
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Bee, the OP's parents are POA for each other (although, Shalamar, if your mother's dementia means she has lost capacity - sounds like it - then she can't exercise her POA for your father and you're up).

Reread your POA documents. But I think you probably did when you agreed to deputise, didn't you? And you know perfectly well that audience participation in your parents' fun-and-games is not among your responsibilities. I was about to suggest that perhaps your father is at the end of his rope and seeking "permission" to place your mother in memory care until I got to the end of your post where he says he'll shoot anyone who interferes. Ah.

Report the pair of them to APS because if your mother is already physically attacking your father, even if she doesn't pack much of a punch, it's already got out of hand. Your mother needs someone to care for her properly and your father, quite apart from the need for his own protection, clearly is not up to this specialist job. For a bit of peace and quiet, meanwhile, if I were you I'd go incommunicado and just call them to check up at whatever intervals you think necessary.
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That sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you. Why aren't your parents the POA of each other? If your father does not have dementia and is competent, he should make decisions for your mom. You could then just be POA for your father or you could just refuse to be a POA for any of them - and refusing to be a POA is certainly not something that you should feel guilty about!
Your first duty is to take care of yourself. I really do not like the dynamics of what your parents are doing. Being "a good kid" and always trying to help them out is also enabling their warped behavior. You should not be dragged into this.
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The arguments and fights are the way that they relate to each other. (Like a younger brother annoying his sister.) They get something out of it, otherwise they wouldn't have remarried. Be careful, people die from stress! You will be depressed and stressed out, ill to the point where you can't function, and they will continue the same behavior. Like children, they don't seem to know, or care, how their behavior affects you. To keep your sanity, put yourself first, make sure you are ok, set limits, then do what you can for your parents within your limits.
Good luck
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The POA is so that you can make decisions for your parents when they are no longer able. If they are fighting about having more or less sex and remodeling projects they are not incompetent. Put your POA in a file someplace safe, change your phone number and move to another state and let these nutbags have at it. Well that's a little drastic but you get my point. This is nuts! Let them float their own boat ang distance yourself. Don't get in the middle of this stupid horse sh*t.
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Your duties as MEDICAL POA is for you to make medical decisions on behalf of that person. Drs, hospital, treatment as examples.
If you are the Durable POA you are in charge of all financial decisions and making sure bills are paid and up to date, KEEP a record of EVERY dime spent! Keep receipts, make copies, keep bank statements. Everything you pay or do keep a very detailed record.
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Me, I'd get Caller ID and take one call a day from them, letting the rest go to voice mail. I'd listen to the voice mails promptly in case there was an emergency. And delete them as soon into the message as I knew there wasn't one.

Every once in a while, when I was up to it, I'd answer more than once a day and spend a little circus time with them.

You are effecting every corner of your life with their lunacy. Your own family is only getting a part of you as you are either preoccupied with them or spending hours on the phone humorist them.

You probably don't even realize how much your life is being shaped by their antics. I think I'd have Adult Protective Services pop in for a friendly hello. Tell them to wear bullet-proof vests. ;)

I don't mean to sound flip. Oh, well, yes, I do actually. You've been sucked in to "ridiculous" -- time to take your lift back AND SET BOUNDARIES!
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That's the thing.. I don't visit. I rarely visit. They call me so frequently. I feel like I should be getting paid for this.. and I hate that I feel this way. I feel like I should charge for this sh*t.. And that's down right sh*tty of me.
Some days I spend hours on the phone with my dad while he hides in his garage from my mom. And you're right it is a circus.
I can hear her screaming through the door and beating on it. And I wonder what is going to happen the day one of the neighbors DO actually call the police. What then?
How do I protect them from themselves and the stupid chaos that they have created for themselves? What then? Or do I?
Do I, like I used to do, go down to the court house and explain each side to the judge and clean up their mess like one would do with a couple of young and dumb and full of cum teenagers? Or let the state intervene? And take what comes and work from there?
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It's time to turn the monkeys loose...the circus is in town.

If you don't want to spend the next ten or more years MANAGING the monkeys, cut your visits to once a month for an hour. You may be surprised how they begin to manage without the monkey trainer on premise.

You are under no ethical or other obligation to be your parents POA. In fact, you don't mention one POA responsibility you DO. POA stands for Power of Attorney. Not referee in the loony bin. That's RLB. ;)
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