It's been so insane around here.. I feel like I'm being pulled apart. My husband in the beginning wanted my dad here with us after his stroke.. not anymore.. the tension is insane.. MH has never been a patient man and he is quick to anger at times... Out of my whole family I am the one who wanted to care for my dad instead of putting him away some place. I have 4 sisters and 4 step siblings. My dads own wife only comes to see him once every 2 weeks and for only 45 minutes at a time. My dad has always been caring, supportive and kind to everyone.. Yet everyone chooses to abandon him in the most fragile part of his life. They all say they don't want my dad in a home where he would just give up and die.. Yet no one wants to help him or me. I took on this knowing it would be tough but I swear I never knew how un -compassionate my family was. It pains me that they have all deserted my dad. I am here to do what I can.. try to make my dads day worth living.. Just today when I mentioned something about sleep my dad stated "there is nothing left in the world to do" :( I want to be here for my dad... I have chosen to do this.. Why is this so hard and I feel all alone...
My husband has been getting worse about him being here.. he just can't handle it anymore and I get that.. I really do.. I understand. But that doesn't make me accept it.. My husband and I have had issues prior to this and of course this doesn't make it easier.. I get that too.... But between my husband and mine past and the things going on now, I am just ready to leave.... Yet, I feel guilty if I leave my husband and I feel guilty if I give up on my dad.... It's all so confusing and I can't take it anymore... How can doing what my heart tells me is so right end up being so wrong! I have talked to my husband about my dad and he agrees with me about everything yet he doesn't "act" that way! I even told him we had to work on our marriage and he said what ever I needed or wanted he would do, yet again his actions state other wise! Can a wife and daughter just run away because I sure as heck feel like it!

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I agree with what ladee wrote. This decision has to be yours. No one here could advise you on your marriage. ladee's questions are a good place to start.

Being a caregiver gives an unappealing look at the people around you. We learn that we can't expect much from most people. Many people can't offer support. Others don't want to. This seems to be the norm for most people, even those in the families. Personally, I do not feel it is good or bad. Some people are just not cut out to participate in caregiving for one reason or another.

Your husband probably knows he should be supportive of you, but it is very hard to have someone in the home. I know you understand that. As partners, you should be able to sit down and work out a good solution so that everyone's needs are mostly met. Leaving your husband is a serious step and, IMO, should be done only if you are willing to face the possibility of ending your marriage to him. I don't think you should consider caring for your father as a factor in leaving, because there are other options for caring for your father.

I hope you and your husband are able to work something out. If there is still a bond between you, I would definitely try.
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You deserve to talk this over with a trained, compassionate, objective professional. Please consider counselling before you make any drastic decisions.

I'd like to urge you to not ever, ever, consider "putting your dad away some place." Those of us who love the people we are caregiving don't think about "putting them away." But sometimes we need to consider that the best solution might be in a clean, comfortable, safe care center. We would never abandon them ... we would continue to advocate for them, visit often, stay in touch in other ways, and be the loving spouse/child/grandchild we've been in the past, without the 24/7 hands-on responsibility. There are lots of posts on here that share the positive result of such a decision. I take comfort from them, because while I have promised my dear demented husband that I will never abandon him, he is reaching a point where I may have to rethink what is best for him. I know I am digressing a little, but I think it is important to clarify that using the services of a professional care center is NOT the same as "putting him away." You can abandon a loved one right in your own home, and you can provide loving care elsewhere. It is about how you treat the person, not where the person resides.

Your husband says he is willing to work on your marriage. Counselling for that seems like a real good idea.

You are a wonderful, caring person. You are in a very difficult, stressful situation that is not in any way your fault. Get some professional help in dealing with it. You deserve it!
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Only you can make the choices here... first of all you can not make everyone happy... Let's say there is another looming issue between you and hubby, would you still be considering leaving him? If the answer is yes, then that is part of your answer.... if your dad can be placed somewhere that you can see him often, be his advocate to make sure he is getting excellent care, would that be a consideration? Would the marriage survive if you do that?? Having marital problems before you had your dad come live with you has been really brought to the front now... and I am understanding your hubby has always had a 'temper' problem?
I personally would go for some counseling before making any life changing moves... you are tired, being pulled in two different directions, not to mention your feelings about your sibs abandonment of you and your dad... so possibly if you had someone to help you sort things out, you would be more confident about staying or leaving....
Thank God you are there for your dad, but won't go into all that until you get back with us about your decision... there are suggestions to be made about helping your dad be happier and I'm sure he is aware of what is going on... so please let us know how you are and what progress is being made in getting you out from under this horrible stress... hugs to you...
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First of all- I want to send you a big hug. What a lovely, compassionate person you are!!! You are doing just the right thing for your father and I suspect the real trouble here is your husband and that you have some marital issues that are not related to your dad. Imagine how your dad would feel to be abandoned by you- his very best child. Don't give up on Dad. He is the reason you were born. Your husband is being selfish and has a compassion program and one day he will be in your dad's shoes. Maybe a trial separation is in order. See a divorce lawyer about the issue. Perhaps you and Dad will stay put and your husband will be the one to have to go find a place to stay and feel sorry for his selfish self. You are a wonderful woman and I applaud you. Your heart is right- take care of Dad just as he did for you when you were a child.
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