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Moving in with dad while husband and son stay at our home.

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I should also clarify that if my mom had a need to recuperate from something temporary, it might have been more reasonable for me to go stay with her. But with dementia and all her other problems together, the care proposition was definitely not temporary. She is in her 15th year of dementia diagnosis and is well beyond anything I can handle in my home or hers.
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My answer is that no, I never considered for a half a moment to leave my home, my husband, my kids, or my job to move in with my mother when she became unsafe on her own. And I would never in a million years expect that from my kids.

My mom needed to be in 24/7 supervision with medical staff, personal attendants, a geriatrician, and a geriatric psych. When she could have used in-home care, she refused it hands down.

If this a care level you want to provide, then you need to acknowledge the consequences of doing that for an unknown period of time on your marriage and relationship with your children. They will be changed by this as much as you will be. I wouldn't expect to walk back in the door some day in the future and expect to be as close as before, or have everybody pick up where you left off. They may have some resentment toward you over this that will be very real and should not be ignored.

In this day & age, we have to all get used to the idea that there will be probably be no inheritance. People live so long now, they have diseases that are monstrously expensive to support, and you are going to private pay until there are no more assets to use for that. This is the way it is. It's their money anyway, so it should be spent on getting them good care in a good safe place.
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Janny57, are you sure you want to immerse yourself two doors down from a relative with whom you have a large conflict? Even if you get along great with Dad, What would it be like living in close proximity with a person you think has stolen from your Dad and who thinks you are only after his money? It already drives you insane that your Dad has contact with her (and apparently still enjoys her company) and you don't even live in the same state. How would it set with you if after dinner he announces he'll walk over and visit for a while? She is his daughter-in-law, the mother of his grandkids. He gets to decide to what extent he wants her in his life. All this animosity because she owes him $200? Wow. This is not a healthy relationship. If you do move, be prepared for friction in this area.

If you move in, draw up a personal care agreement. Spell out what tasks you are responsible for and what your compensation is. At some point you may want to move out, or Dad's needs may become too much for you to meet. Then you will want to ensure that other arrangements are made. You sure aren't going to pack up and leave in the middle of the night, leaving him high and dry.

It really sounds to me that you and SIL may be a bit too focused on the money issues. Many, many elders live so long and develop such expensive medical needs that there really isn't much of an estate left to leave to anybody.

Keep us updated on how this works out.
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Ok. So, I've been reading and reading and reading. I feel like a yo yo in my mind. Yes, we can do this, all of us move. Sell our house and be down there with dad. (which we would benefit greatly from because we are struggling to keep cars running and just live. Dad said we could live there rent free and he'd buy everything. I think he meant food with that comment. Of course, I'd take him up on that deal because I'd be working all day for him cooking, cleaning and stuff around the yard.)
Then I read something that scares me and I'm back to no, I don't want to do it.

Question: I read if you move in with parent and then later move out that it could be construed as "elder abuse". Under what circumstances would that be true. IF we moved in with dad and it was just fighting all the time and we (my husband, I and 17 yr old son) moved out BUT found care for dad, that couldn't be construed as abuse could it? One more consideration for us is this. Don't know if you remember but my SIL was living with dad but we caught her on camera getting into his wallet after he had gone to bed. Well, she and her sisters started telling people (neighbors and niece) that I was going to move in and "throw him into an old folks home and take over and sell everything". (the rich neighbor wanted to buy dad's Kabota tractor) Also, they (the SIL and her sisters) were saying that "I was going to change dad's will and cut them (my 2 nieces and 1 nephew) out of the will and they would get nothing". (Yes, my dad is leaving 1/2 of his estate to these kids who would not turn a tap to help him; they are the takers. I don't have siblings, they both died, but I do have these taker kids). So, knowing THAT what would you do? My dad does not have an abusive personality, even when drinking. He does get upset with me when I try to reason with him about doing things MY way. Which he still wants to be in control. I get that and that is something that I have to learn to handle better. But, I don't want to move in and be accused of elder abuse just because my ex SIL has an ax to grind with me. (even though she is guilty). I did not turn her in to APS because although we know what we saw it isn't not clear as a bell in quality. But she did admit she was getting my dads "keys" at 10:45 pm. Which if she did get his keys she certainly didn't go open anything or start any cars. And she moved just 2 doors up the street. Just peachy. She still has contact with dad, in fact, he goes to her place (she lives with another elderly couple) and visits with her I think because he is lonely. Drives me insane that he has anything to do with her because she borrowed $200 from him and has never repaid it.
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sorry cidux does your father have alz/dementia??? i see your profile says age related decline? caring for an old person whose declining and caring for an alz parent are worlds apart?
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In regards to kazza's response: It CAN work out - and it will get worse. When it gets worse then you deal with that in whatever way you need to. When I started caring for my parents I knew I had to take it "one week at a time". Now, nearly 2 years later, sometimes I have to do "one day at a time". When it's down to "one hour at a time" I guess I'll know I've had it. (No martyrdom here.) You don't have to put your life and happiness in permanent jeopardy. Dad wouldn't want you to. But you can walk away from this knowing you did everything you could to make his last years happy. Just as he did everything he could to make your first years happy.
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I have an appt tomorrow with an atty to see what my options are. Dad is still active and putting him in a home is not something i am willing to do, yet. I realize it wont be easy but i guess i just have to learn the hard way. In the mean time i am getting my ducks in a row for his future care. Thank you for your kind responses. I really appreciate them.
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Can he afford paid live in care? sorry but as good as your intentions are this is not going to work out its going to get worse and he cant be alone anymore. OR al near you? or a NH near you or would him coming to live with you be an option?
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Janny, it sounds like you have decided what you want to do! But, maybe going through all this with us on here helps you see there are other options, so if it does not work out so well, you don't feel like you "have to" keep doing it that way. God speed.
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Carol: You reminded me of other things dad does. He has no smell either and his hearing is getting worse. He has the TV so loud that you end up yelling at each other during commercials. He always turns to me and starts talking. I have to yell back "TURN THE MUTE ON!!!!" gives me a headache.

I would rather watch dad at his house. He has an acre of land that he putters around in and all his stuff is there (tools, workshop, etc.). I have my bedroom and the rest of the house is pretty neat cause I go there every 2 weeks or so to clean up. My house is small and I have no yard which means he would go stir crazy and be hovering around me all day. Plus he'd be miserable too.
Dad doesn't like food throw away either but he doesn't eat the left overs, he'd rather just drink beer than eat.
If you can get your mom to your house and that's better for you I hope it works out. These certainly are difficult times for us caretakers.
Best Wishes.
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My last post is for CGalvin.
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What's easier for you? It would be tons easier for ME if she were at my house. (My current arrangement with MY mom.) I wouldn't even consider living at mom's house. Not a chance.

You have to take charge. That's that. So how best to do it? If I thought I'd get plenty of resistance, I'd call in social services and ask them to help me get mom in my house so I could care for her. I'd tell them, "I can't take care of her at her house anymore."

If you tell them that, they'll give her a choice. Your house or a nursing home. Then it's HER choice and, hopefully, you avoid the arguments. Don't engage her in these arguments. Let social services be the bad guys.
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Oh boy, this sounds just like my 82 yr old mom. Complains when no one is there to take care of her complains when your there. There is no happy medium. She refuses to stay at my house. She never remembers her meds, lost taste and smell. Went into trash and took food out that I threw away. Gets mad when I clean out fridge. I have been considering moving in with her part time. But, she gets so mad when I want to clean a room out for me to sleep. She is a hoarder. New spapers ect. She has called the cops three or four times. She hears things and halusinates. I don't know what to do either. Do I leave my husband to stay with her part time? Do I make her come here and tell her she has no choice? help?\
carole
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For nearly 2 years I've been caring for my parents by staying at their home Monday AM until Friday AM while my husband stays at our home 30 minutes away. (Fortunately they have the finances to pay for someone on the weekends.) It is tough and I no longer feel at home in my own house, but we've been able to make it work. Hubby visits my parents home at least once a week, usually spending most of that time doing yard work, and we have weekends together. There's no way this could have worked without the weekend time together.
Please try to find some way to be together each week - hubby to dad's house when he's off work, or someone else to stay with dad while you two get together.
At 16 your child can't be expected to take over 24 hour care, but could hang out with gramps while you two meet halfway for dinner and a movie - or a picnic and a concert in the park, if money is tight.
Maybe the friends and family you mentioned could be coordinated to give you time off in a way that none of them have to be there 24 hours. (Be forewarned, many family/friends told me, "if you ever need anything, give me a call", but when I called they were always apologetically unavailable.)
A local church may have someone who could assist.
Alzheimer's/dementia is a valid diagnosis for hospice care. Hospice doesn't mean the person is going to die next week or next month - maybe not even next year. His doctor would do this referral.
Area Agency on Aging offer services and can refer you to other options in your dad's area. Every area has different agencies that offer different services and require different qualifying criteria. Some base service cost strictly on income while others take into account assets and still others the type of care needed.
You love your father and he loves you. So the last thing he'd want is to mess up your marriage. Try presenting the need for outside assistance in that light.
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Do no lose the time with your son. I did the same thing last summer and I see the issues my son developed while I was gone. He now has this I am doing it attitude. He has forgot how to ask, he just does because he had to fend for himself last summer while dad worked and mom (Me) was at my mom's. BIG mistake. I wish I could take it back and hired someone immediately. Stay home with your family and get someone to help out with your dad more.
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Thanks Cinderella. I do havd a wonderful husband. My dad has been more of a father to him than his own too. Because of his job he doesnt want to start commuting again, yet. Our home is an hour and a half from dad . I appreciate your comment.
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I haven't but a good friend is doing this right now--between countries no less. She has an amazingly supportive husband who doesn't make her feel like sheh as to choose. She is able to spend about 8 weeks at a time taking care of her father who has Alzheimer's and then when she goes home for a couple of weeks to "touch bases", the UK seems to have marvelous inhome and visiting care programs (which include meal delivery) to help in her absence.

It can be done but there has to be support, understanding and being done with love otherwise its a house of cards. Good luck!
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Hi Janny. In 2005, my family (Hubby, me, 2 boys, 14 and 8) moved from Washington, DC to Orlando Florida. My husband had retired after a 35 year career, and I being 15 years younger started a business. My parents were to move to Florida 'any day now', as soon as they could land a good house in the crazy 2005/2006 real estate market.

In Spring 2006, my mother's health started to fail, and I started flying back and forth to help my father take care of her. By September 2006, I was sleeping on my parents' basement sofa during the week, and either flying or driving home most weekends. Mom passed in 2007 at 79, and Dad (82) fell apart. So even though my husband and kids figured I would be back, I could not leave my father in that condition (not eating,falling, being confused, forgetting to pay bills - 3 car accidents in 1 year). My brother lived less than a mile away from my parents, but it was I who kept up what I called "the 900 mile commute" for about 5 years. Obviously my Florida business didn't work out, so I was fortunate enough to get my old job back in late 2008. Dad's SSI was/is enough to cover his interest only mortgage payment and most of his expenses - so I had to work to keep things going. I had a beautiful new home in Florida, and had always planned on Mom and Dad spending time with us, so I tried for years to get Dad to move down to Florida - but he will not leave the house where Mom was.
My husband, while not happy, was supportive of my choice to stay with my parents. I had cared for his parents for a year or so each, but that had been in our own neighborhood or home. What I regret most now is the years I lost with my sons. The younger one had some issues while I was away during the week. He had problems with school bullies and a few instances of sleepwalking (one involving the Sherriff's office when he wandered away from home in the middle of the night).
My older son put on a brave face and made it through high school.He matured quickly and is very protective of his younger brother.
At the end of 2010, we all gave up on Florida and moved back to the Washington, DC area. My husband's only request was that we go back to our old neighborhood so he could reunite with some of his old friends, which we did. Dad is hanging in there. He is still in his (and Mom's) house. We have taken him in to our home a few times for weeks at a time when he has had health problems and/or gets confused.

Ironically, my brother was laid off from his job and needed a place to live. So I sat him down an told him now it was his turn. I am perturbed that he is spending a lot of Dad's money, but in comparison to the cost of home care, it all comes out. As I write this, I am on vacation out of the country and my brother is updating me from the ER as Dad just fell in the kitchen.

Get as much help as you can afford. I was 5-7 days with Dad and then 2 days home with the family. If you can hire some help or find an assisted living facility, perhaps you can reverse the ratio? And if you haven't already - get POA for both financial and health issues ASAP. I work in the insurance business and it drives me crazy but NO ONE can talk to you about anything without you giving them a copy of the PoA. And always carry copies with you. Hardly anyone keeps them "on file", even if they say they do. I would take my mother home from the hospital and bring her back 2 days later and they would have no record of me having POA.
I hope this helps you to see what is right for you.
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I did this last summer. I moved in with my mom while my husband and kids were at home. It was exhausting. My house became a mess, my kids (22 and 15) did the best they could to help and my husband works two jobs in the summer. My mom wouldn't hire anyone either, but when school started back (I teach) I had to hire someone without her knowng she was paying for it. She had given me POA and I could write checks. I told her that her insurance was paying for it. She truly believed it. In November, she didn't want anyone with her all the time so we cut down to a few days a week, and then finally in March I encouraged her to move in to Assisted Living. I know she is safe and well cared for. Grant it, she is miserable and wants to move in to a little house as she says, but I know it wouldn't be good. She was doing the same thing, not taking medicine, not eating, getting lonely. Giving up your life and your family is just not feasible. You can try it and see how it goes for a while, but I would really consider other alternatives. Good luck to you.
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You have a husband and family (a teen, no less) to care for at home. Your dad has options, one of which isn't staying at home alone. The others are nursing home care and/or 24/7 round the clock good at home care and I don't know anyone who can afford that. If I could, I'd have left my mom up north, believe me!

Isn't there one room in your house that can be converted to a bedroom for your dad?

I was talking to a psychiatrist the other day who said that it just isn't worth putting your family second if a patient has dementia. The patient needs to be told what to do, not the other way around. And, if you can, you should make him/her believe it's their idea. Stubbornness comes with the territory. Do you want to give up your independence? Neither do people with dementia.

I don't know what type of dementia your dad has or how far along he is, but there is just so much he can get into and quite frankly, he can hurt himself and possibly others in the process. What if he decides to leave something on the stove and burns down the house? What if he falls? They forget to eat. They forget to take their meds. The two together spell disaster health-wise. In an ideal world, we'd all live on the same land, the same town, the same house, whatever, but we don't anymore.

Ask his doctor what he thinks. Does he think he's safe at home by himself? My mom was at home by herself (actually with my son, but he just said he thought it was just nana being nana) and each time I called, she sounded really great, until I began to get these phone calls from the visiting nurse who told me they 'thought' she was in non compliance with her drugs. Turns out she wasn't. Also, I found out a year later that she had lost medications but didn't tell anyone. Her eyesight was so bad (in fact, macular degeneration, but she never said a word to me. She couldn't see what she was buying and couldn't read labels. When I got there, I noticed the grocery store in which she had shopped her entire life had become terrorizing to her. Seems they had changed the way the goods were stacked, shelved, etc., that she got very confused. She always wanted to leave. BTW, it's not that I hadn't seen her in years, it had only less than a year. And, to me, she was my mother, just getting older. Yes, there were some weird stuff, but it was just my mother. Just like my son and two daughters were telling me, it's just nana getting old.

Dementia is not just forgetting. It's a progressive, insidious disease. What if someone in your family were diagnosed with a brain tumor and had six months to live? Would you have them in your house then?

I had to go up 1400 miles to care for my mom seven months full time after she was placed in a geriatric psyche facility because of her higher than high diabetic numbers and high BP. I live alone and have no one to care for, so I was fortunate in that sense. I still had to close up the house, have someone watch it, uproot the dog, etc. When she was well enough physically to travel, I brought her to my house. She travelled well, which was surprising. And today, she's in and out of it. Mostly out of it. She certainly can't cook, clean, wash herself, tend to her needs, take her meds, go to doctor's appointments, etc. without someone. In other words, there is no way she could live alone.
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Hi Janny,
I haven't left husband and kids but instead moved mother in. She is actually in my husband and my bedroom since that was the only room in the house with enough room for hospital bed(which she is bound to as she can't walk), hoya left, etc. etc.
My husband has a terminal lung condition and according to the doctors hasn't much time left although some do last longer. So this is hard on him as well as myself. My sister tried to take care of mom for a short time but she couldn't do it. She lives on the other side of the country so it was very difficult to move her back here. In the case of your dad I would suggest finding away to move him in with your family now before you have regrets. My mom's memory was getting bad and she took a walk at night fell and broke her arm. It has never healed but it doesn't hurt thank God. If your dad hurts himself or someone else you will see that it would have been preferable to have found away to do this. My mom could still walk a little before she went to stay with my sister but I think sometimes it's easy to do for someone than to try to let them do some for themselves. Plus, she was trying to go places like out at night again. So now I get her back and she can't walk! For me it was easier when she could walk. I could find ways to keep her safe and she could still get around a little. Now it's very difficult to tell her she can't get up and walk to the toilet and she has to go in her draws. She doesn't like it and we have to discuss it often. Just believe me, it will be easier on you and your family in the learn run if you find a way to bring him home with you now because you will probably have to find a way to do it sooner or later and it might not be as easy if you wait, unless your rich and can afford a nursing home for about $6000. per month or he can qualify for medical in which case if he has a home if will go to the state. You better start making a plan now because if you wait it can become extremely stressful later.
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I would never leave my husband and children very long to take care of my parents. Likewise, they wouldn't want me to. Luckily, I only live three blocks from my parents.
Unfortunalty, we do have to travel to a different state five hours away for some of their treatment, as they both have cancer, and we live in a small town. When we do go, it is usually over night, as I have to drive all the way there, wait for treatment, then drive back and usually a little tired. However, usually the other parent also comes with, to give me company and I take my youngest child with me.
If my parents, ever get to the point where they can not take of themselves, I think they would either move in with me, since I have a big house, or they would move into a care center since they have the means to do it.
I am 35, my children are 16, 14, 12, and 10. My husband and I have been married 17 years.
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Hi Vstefans, I now how ur feeling today. I have decided to cancel my daughters cell phone as soon as contract expires. I turned internet access off a while ago and husband just gave up cable recently; his choice. I didn't dare suggest it before. Yes, he is a jack--ss but I can't change that.

I do keep a clean home, I am comparably thin (he calls me fat) and losing weight still. And he told my daughter she is fat! He is definitely a jackal, he is immature and has a huge ego. He lost a lot of weight after stroke, saw a dentist for the first time in 30 years and thinks he is God's gift to everyone around him.

Ok, it felt good to rant. Thanks for ur comments. I needed a good laugh. If I were u I would take all the video games to the pawn shop. Life is too short for hours playing video games and they are too tempting to put aside.

BTW: This site has been one of the best resources and support I had in dealing with eldercare.
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Meant to write that Mom didn't PUT her own mother 1st.
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Sadly, we try to be everything for everybody. Eventually we realize that isn't possible and meanwhile we have lost our own self in the process. I read somewhere on this site where someone said that nowhere is it written that we have to give up our own lives in order for our parent(s) to continue their lives. Having gone down the road of putting in more and more time to help Mom as she travels down Dementia Lane at the expense of my husband and (same age as your) sons. When I saw my own family becoming more and more distant, I had to make the hard choice of less time with Mom and more time with my husband and sons. Though I felt guilty, I rememberd Mom didn't out her own mother 1st during this same exact situation. During one of her more lucid moments she reminded me of the "forsake all others" when I got married and my 1st responsibility was to my husband, myself, and our marriage. Then I read what that person had written about not giving up our lives. The point couldn't have been more clear, at least to me & for my situation.

All that to say, my advice to add to all the other wonderful advice you have been given is DELEGATE DELEGATE DELEGATE. Thankfully you now control his finances, so paying others to help you is easier than if you didn't have financial POA. Hard to do, but if you can think logically instead of emotionally, you can get thru this faster and with less guilt.n I say "less guilt" because you will have some no matter what. We all do to some extent. And please let the guilt go that you have regarding your mom and 2 brothers. You have precious little energy and don't want to waste any of it on guilt over something you can't possibly change now.

The hardest thing I have found to be is accepting I am doing the best I can. Getting others to help means more needs are covered than I could possibly cover if I tried to do it all myself. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a community to assist the elderly.

Blessing to you....
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I had to make ugly decisions too, Muther. There was and still is only one of me. I'm not saintly enough to be given the gift of bilocation, and if I was, I'd promptly need to be three places at once instead of two. Your husband sounds like a resentful jackass, BTW - I'm not sure why he could not have gone with you to help your Mom if he hated your being away so badly, unless he works seven days a week every week. Let's see - my spouse needs to go help her (acutely and suddenly) sick mom, so when she comes back I'll punish her for it..what a nice guy. I agree with you I can't see how you're being out of town for a bit is an excuse for your daughter quitting school, though my son moved back in to attend school locally and though he is now 22, we are definitely getting our second chance to "help him grow up" too.

My decisions were a little different - my daughter still needed me to be in town as she was not fully back on her feet yet after a disastrous relationship, and to stay in town herself; for the rest of us to relocate to Pgh PA might have been a good or at least viable choice, but I made the other one. I did long distance caregiving til I could bring my Mom to Little Rock AR. Hubby was reasonably supportive and sometimes came up to Pgh with me but it was mostly me, and mostly I was left with a huge pile of housework when I'd get back but no real resentment for my being away. I bet you keep house and try to make a pleasant home, and though I would never encourage divorce in a marriage that could be rejuvenated, hubby may need his chance to see what life is REALLY like without you in his own place taking care of his lonely, self-pitying self. Sorry if I am too blunt today, I'm in a bad mood because the guys are dumping piles of housework on me and I had to get unpleasant with them last night to convey a message that what they are doing and failing to do is unacceptable. I need to feel cared for or at least cared about in my own home, not abused with my needs and dreams ignored and made fun of so they can sit on their asses watching bad movies and playing video games while I exist to pick up after them, or tolerate my home turning into a trash pile.
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Here is my story. It started in March 2013. My mom has lived alone for the last 25 years. Totally independent and she is 76 now. It began when she got into an small car accident. It was so traumatic for her, she let her health get out of control. She is diabetic and has always suffered depression.
Mom lives in FL. My sister and I like up north in two different states, we are all far away from each other. When mom checked herself into the hospital, we each left our families and flew in to be with her. What we learned about her condition came as a shock. At some point she had had a stroke. She rapidly deteriorated from there. My sister had to return to her work and I stayed with mom.
I flew back home about every 6 weeks or whenever possible. My daughter was off to her first year of college and my husband works. Every time I came home my husband was more distant. Our relationship crumbled. That fall he had a big stroke too. I rushed home and left mom in part-time care of friends and neighbors. My husband seemed to make a full recovery from stroke and returned to work after 4-5 weeks. He refused my help with anything. I flew back to FL to be with mother.

Meanwhile, mom was deeply depressed and was playing candy store with her meds. Her dementia was getting worse but she refused to move into a nursing home. I've stayed with her until she gave in and went into a Nursing Home. She doesn't like it, but her blood sugar is steady. I know she is getting round the clock care. She behaves very well for them and feels like she is no longer a burden to her daughters. But she has never been a burden to us, we each did all we could for her willingly. I do not regret giving up my husband and grown daughter to help her transition. It's not over yet and I miss her terribly.
But my husband is very resentful. We had marital problems anyway. My daughter quit college for the time being and has issues to work out. But I do not blame my absence for that either. It has been hard on all of us. I have my health problems to deal with now. I have to rebuild my life and that is the only thing I have some control over.
My advice, for what its worth (I made decisions that have upset others) is to take your son and help your father transition into independence. That is what my mom really wanted in the end. I brought her to live with me for two months but she was uncomfortable in my home. Her doctors and I had to make her realize she had to give up her house or accept an in home caregiver. She didn't want a stranger in her house.
I am now trying help my daughter grow up, save my marriage (he wants a divorce) and get my health under control. The time I spent with my mother was priceless, I would do it again in a heart beat.
I know this because she is content and being cared for. I tried all kinds of things first, meals on wheels, daycare, transportation to Dr. Apps, I will continue to pay all her bills and maintain her house until she decides what to do with it. Really it is now my sister and my responsibility. We have a long way to go yet.

I hope this helps.
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Before I did that, I'd try just moving him in with me. He can help with the bills, your whole family can pitch in a little to help care for him, and the social aspect would be wonderful for him. No matter how much I love my mom, I would NEVER move into her home to care for her. It's my home, or it's assisted living, or it's a nursing home. And I REALLY love my mom. ;)

Your family will be enriched by their participation in his care, and you will have a much easier time of it in your own home.

I urge you to try that. While caring for an aging loved one is no small task, it has many intangible rewards that you can't even imagine.
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Hi Garden Artist-dad has been working with Zoe for about 10 years. We had a conversstion a few years ago about him. She said just what you sfid, different word, same idec. Phoblem now is he tries to do the physical work and cant. I just leaned of an incident this week where he was working dianother man and got overheated and ended up lon the ground. The man took dsd tocthe store don the street and wxnted him to get gstorade or water thinking he needed that. Dad bought 40 oz bottle of beer. The man followed him home to make sure he got there. The man said that Zoe was treating dad like a dog. So i had a reason to call her and talk. She admitted that they fought and said she keeps telling dad not to work but he does anyway. She has him go to home depot to get things and he gets the wrong thing. The man said she gets mad. So, one more reason to be there wiith him.

Thanks for all the advice ladies. After i get down to dads im sure i will write again, in a few days.
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"If I go there and tell myself that I am just going to spend time with dad then things go better. But if I go there with an agenda, like I'm going to get this done or that, then I get worn out physically and get frustrated and tired and I don't want to go back."

Yes!

You need to arrange things so that you can see him and interact with him as his loving daughter.

My sisters brought Social Services in to do a needs assessment on Mom, who was living alone in an apartment. Mom kept insisting that she didn't need help. "Do you need someone to come in an clean your apartment." "No, my daughters do that." A daughter spoke up: "Mom, when we come we want to play cribbage with you or look at scrapbooks or play scrabble. We are not building any memories scrubbing your toilet!"

I think you want to do with your father things that no one else could do, things that will stay in your memory when he is gone. Hire someone else to do the other things. Let others handle the "agenda" -- you handle loving interactions.
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