How to leave a home with abusive elderly parents?

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My husband and I moved in to help his parents in 2007. Ever since then it has been nothing but verbal and emotional abuse. We can no longer care for them physically, emotionally or financially. My brother in laws are never around to help. One comes every once in a while to visit but never with his kid or his wife unless it is a holiday and the other only comes when his wife makes him other wise he is never around, which is good because he drinks and is also verbally abusive. We got to the point were we needed in home health care so my sister in law took over all the paper work, lied about a lot of stuff and is now getting paid to come in to help out. She is rarely here yet she gets paid. we don't know how to handle this and need to leave because we can't do it anymore and it is killing us. We get yelled at by his family every time we ask for help or say we need to move out and we have had enough. we have no support from anyone except our friends and my family. What should we do? Will we get charged for abandonment if we have to leave for our own health and safety? We are also afraid that his family are going to go after us for elder abuse, when his parents refuse proper care and we can't get them to try. They smoke heavily around an oxygen tank and verbally yell at each other and us and his parents are gossipers. love to lie and tell stories to make them look good and us look bad. No one knows who to believe anymore. I call my family everyday crying and when every we want to visit them we get yelled at. We are completely lost and don't know what to do. Please help us.

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You are doing the right thing for your sanity. Get a storage unit, move 1 load a day while you are looking. When the paid help gets wind of the free help leaving, she will make your life miserable. Godspeed, pack light and travel fast! You have the ability to flee and this is something alot of us can only dream about!
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Agreed SIL is being paid it is her responsibility. Head for the door ASAP.
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Since someone else is now being paid, get out. But I would NOT give them any time to try and come and browbeat you. If they call to start in, hang up. What is the damned obligation to listen to a*** on the phone just because it wears the bloody 'famblee' label. Cover your butts, but get out. And if you can get someone to come and help and just be there, do that. You don't need physical attacks from the rest of famblee either. Which is possible I think.
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I like all the advices given above. You and hubby need to get together and start strategizing. Set up the plan, how to do it and most importantly document, document, document. From what I see, all of them will Not make your exit easy. Write your game plan. Pros of going, the cons of staying as your First Notation/Goal because the pressure Will come and you both need that goal firmly in front of you when the abuses, accusations and guilt trips get intense. I have a feeling that SIL (sis-in-law) may not be reporting accurately with her home visits to the parents...just glossing over it. Again, document, document, document. Game plan using the above advices and get the ball rolling...

FYI, even if SIL works in IHSS, you can dispute any negative claims she makes if you have back up. This past January, a new caregiver assigned from another agency (similar to IHSS), visited my dad, then reported me to my social worker about:
1. Dad's feet dangling over the hospital ledge.
2. Dad's hanging trapeze is the wrong kind.
3. Dad complaining that he's always in bed and no one wants to put him in the wheelchair.

I received an email from my social worker about this. I was able to respond to each items and offered for social worker, home care nurse and I to meet with dad and discuss it. I made sure to be very detailed and neutral in my letter even though I was very angry at the caregiver. (She could have asked me before sending in her report.) I was thanked for a prompt response and no need for a meeting.
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If your parents in law are smoking around an oxygen tank, I'd call APS anyway, and possibly whoever supplies the oxygen too. They need the Riot Act read to them about that before the lot of you go sky-high. Plus, a call to APS would help to clarify a lot of things to help you plan your move.
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If you are not named as the legal guardian by the state court, then you have no legal obligation to stay for a minute. If family had a legal obligation, then the others would be in trouble for not doing the caretaking.

Do work with Adult Protection. Tell them you are requesting a site assessment, as you are no longer able to provide care because you are moving away immediately (so APS reacts with due haste), and that the court might need to assign a guardian, as you are unaware of anyone in the family who will step in. This should open up a case that will bring to light what that SIL is doing, but it's not your problem. It's social services & SIL's problem.

You do not have to justify to APS why you are moving or why you can't continue care. They have to take your word and let you go. The state has procedures to find an emergency guardian to take over. The case worker from APS will have to deal with that because that's part of their job.

Move your stuff into storage for a month or two if you have to, just to start cutting physical ties with the property. Nobody has to know why. The less they know the better so they don't accuse you of stealing mom & dad's stuff.

Take pictures of every room in the house, from all sides to document the state of things, and as a record of what was there - or not - before you leave.
I would use my phone to capture some video of the situation when these two elders are in a typical fit, and to show them smoking around oxygen. You can do this without being in their face about it.

Live in a hotel for a few days until you can find an apartment as far away as possible and begin starting over. Even the Motel 6s have a free breakfast nowdays!
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If sis in law is being paid, that is a good thing for you......hard to say YOU abandoned them. I would do as Garden Artist said, I would communicate to the family via registered letter, advising.........I am leaving the property no later than 5 days from the date of the letter I would not take their phone calls in the meantime, if sis in law does not show up to take care of parents, I would contact APS on my way out ( I Would advise the family that if they do not step up you will contact APS). If sis in law does show up, I would wish her well leave the keys on the counter and leave immediately I advise you move you belongings prior to sending the letter, and just be able to walk out smoothly with bags you can carry.

Get out, living with smokers on oxygen is not acceptable to anyone.
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How to leave a home with abusive elderly parents?

Either through the front door or the back door, whichever is more convenient. If you have a lot of possessions to move, maybe through the garage would work best.

Stop talking about it and do it.
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I'm not really sure what IHSS is, or whether it would help you. I googled it but it was a medical term. Maybe I'm missing something or just not familiar with the term? Does it relate to some kind of "human services" agency? I'm not sure also how the SIL's role relates to "ihss".

Sorry - could you explain?

Working 3 jobs and caring for parents as well as being verbally abused by the family is more than anyone should have to tolerate.
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I also forgot we are not getting paid to help them. Only my sister in law is. We have been caring for them for free. And working 3 jobs between my husband and i on top of helping them.
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