I'm laying beside mom in ALF - she is actively dying.

My sympathies are with you. You are a great child and it's okay to be in denial. And it's totally understanding that you're staying with her. But you're accepting it whether you know it or not because you realize it can't go on forever. You are very fortunate to have her in such a nice ALF and that they're helping you through this time. I'm happy for you about that. But understand, your mom will be in a better place and not in any pain once she passes. And doctors don't always predict right - it could take longer. My heart goes out to you! (((HUGS)))

Bless you, dear one... May God give you and your Mom His peace, grace and love during this time... Your Mom is blessed to have you as a daughter...

My prayers are going out for you and your mom.

I can understand about shock and it's hard to deal with other than just waiting through it. Eventually reality has to creep back in because that is its ugly way.

There's no way to know what will happen...even 'the odds are' is not a certainty. There are 5 stages of grieving many of us go through and sometimes it starts before and sometimes after....

They are, not in any order:
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance

You can look these up sometime if you want to, and read more about them; they are many places online and also at the library.

These stages were studied and determined by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and are called the Kübler-Ross model. They are not totally inclusive of all the possible feelings nor are all of them always experienced by everyone...there is no particular order that they follow, necessarily...but they are seen as a valid model for anyone who is either facing their own death or that of a loved one...or any other catastrophic life event.

I think you must be experiencing denial right now and it can be described as:
"Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage."

So just now that what you are going through is necessary and somewhat expected...I wish that you didn't have to face this but death is a part of life and not one of us is exempt.

I don't know if any of this helped but I will continue to send you good energy and that, I know, can't do any harm. GOD be with you and your mom during this time.

a relatively rapid death is the most any of us could hope for. the alternative is our greatest nightmare. wish both of you the best. sorry if that sounds brash, it isnt meant to be.

Your mom is lucky to have such a loving, caring daughter. And I can tell she's been a great mom as evidenced by your love for her. I'll be thinking of you tonight and hoping your mom transitions in the most peaceful way possible. Big hugs to you.

Hang in there honey, what a heartbreaker. Big big hugs, please know that none of this is your fault, and you are a very good daughter. My heart goes out to you both.

She is very blessed to have you by her side. It doesn't feel like it now, but you will know later that you did the very best for her that could be done. You will appreciate that you were there for her as she left this world. I'm crying as I write this, I wish I could give you a hug. God bless you both.

How lucky you are to have her in your arms. She is so blessed to be held, by the one who loves her most, at this time of pain and fear. You are both in my Prayers. May Peace wash over you both when she leaves.

Angels to you.
lovbob

I'm glad there are folks there to take care of you while you take care of your mom.

Thinking of you....

Here4her, out of all the stuff we do for our loved ones, in caring for them, this is undoubtably the most difficult phase, IMHO. Hospice pretty much nailed daddy's on the head. They said it would probably take about 7 days for him to leave this world. It was 7 days, exactly. She told us about the stages, and then we looked it all up online. It was like clockwork. It's not wrong, that you are lying in bed and watching her breath. It is your way of saying goodbye

Holding you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers. Peace.

May the arms of angels surround you both, and may you find peace and solace in the shelter of their wings.

Thank you all so very much. You have lifted me up. Hospice is shocked as she improved and is peacefully resting. 3 days after stroke. Same prognosis though. Can't swallow.
Her 1 left (2 deceased) has not called or had anything to do with her about 9 years. Nor have 10 of 11 grandchildren.
They are selfish troublemakers that turned on her and me years ago.

I am not going to notify them until it's over. Not putting her or I through the chaos.
What are your thoughts? A
Her attorney agrees with me.

That's a hard one. Part of me says not right to not notify... other part says, do what's best for you.. just make sure the reason isn't one of spite...

And I wasn't clear... did you mean her siblings?

I think she means here4her's siblings. If attorney supports her choice not to notify, is probably with good reason. The ones who don't do caregiving often don't deal well with death and dying, either.
Hugs to you and Mom, Here4her:) xo

big hugs to you!!!! I'm sorry :( I'm thankful she has you there with her, I'm sure it is a great comfort.

Here4her - I'm glad your mom improved some. My mother-in-law did that too. They call this "the calm before the storm" in hospice. But it is helpful to us as they go through this. Her hearing and touch are the last to go, so understand, she's hearing every word you're saying to her. My in-laws were very dysfunctional too. I texted them that she was dying just because I didn't want any trouble about NOT calling them afterwards. They snuck up when I wasn't around and saw her. But I honestly can't tell you what's best - call or not call. I think if you and your attorney think they will cause problems with your mom's care or if it would be detrimental to your mental health - then don't call them. They haven't cared for 9 years - so why now? All mine wanted to know was when will they get their inheritance. You do what feels right to you - only you know that - and whatever you decide is okay. You've been a good daughter to your mom. ((HUGS))

I think don't call. They don't want to know or they would have checked on her some time in the last 9 years. I don't think not calling is spiteful either. They have made their wishes known with their lack of communication. Do what's best for you and Mom, with a clear conscience. Thanks for keeping in touch with US. ;-) Love and hugs.

No spite here. It is 1 son who comes to town and never calls or asks about mom, The rest age selfish grandchildren who they all treated me like I had the plague when my brother died, not their father. My brother whom I was very close too. They have a gang. Smokin, drinking party animals. Grandma would have cramped their style, so I gave up social life and freedom and moved her in. Charged her no rent. Very close to my mom.
I am the one who won with the wonderful memories we shared. I don't been want any of them there. Mom expressed that to me, but my. Daughter thinks it will bite me in the butt. Lawyer had me go sign a paper as I'm still her DPOAicould have private or public
I hate dysfunctional families that gang up on the only one who gave a hoot.
Again thank you. Hospice is shocked she isn't gone. She knows im here and not
Ready. I love so much. Any more insights. I've got lots of time to read here.

Dear Here4her: Bless you for your dedication to your Mom. You are right to keep your focus on her and not to worry about anyone else right now. This is your private time to support her passing. You are not being spiteful and you don't need stress from anywhere else. Sounds like you have a good lawyer too. Peace and blessings to you and your Mom.

Here4her ~ Just take care of yourself and your mom. If the others were interested, they would check on how she is from time to time. I say, f@*! 'em. Focus your energies on remembering these last few hours, days, whatever with your mom. You will cherish those when your mom does pass. My prayers are with you and that your mom has a peaceful passing. Hugs ~ Kuli

Enjoy your precious time with your mom... and surround yourself with people who LOVE you and care about your well-being. This is an emotionally charged season... and you need less stress and more love. By telling them, what is it you want to provoke? Last minute reconciliation? Very well may not occur.. and then what? You'd be hurt again.

Love your Mom and store these memories. They are very, very dear memories.. and sacred.

Give you and your mother the peace and dignity for whatever time is left. Those other roudy absentee relatives would only create chaos. I doubt those relatives would even care about not being notified except when the time comes to see what they might get for an inheritence. Peasce be with you and your mother.

I decided not to call until it's over, the passing - I dont even have their numbers.
It will be a short 2 hour viewing service with graveside service as well. I swear I'll hit the ceiling if any of them come up and start asking questions, they should have asked years ago.
When she turned 80 I gave her a surprise birthday party. Cost $3,300. They chipped in$0.00 had a limo and everything. When limo pulled up they all ran up to it and took the credit for everything. Did not turn over a finger to help. Mom thought it was their deal took me 10 month to plan. Had a movie made of her life. Vultures!

At 90 I gave her a party...none showed up.

I mean people showed up just not the selfish ones. She had lots of others there.

Dear Here4her: If I were in your place, I would not even bother notifying them until after the funeral - I would not want the aggravation. At that time, if they asked questions about why they were not notified, I would say it's because they showed no interest or willingness to assist her while she was living, so why should they care when she passed? As for any inheritance? I'd say, if you don't hear from the lawyer, you'll know you didn't get anything. But that's just me.
You have answered all your own questions concerning your relatives. They are not worth a glance from you. Suggestions: At the funeral, if anyone wants to know if she left a will, tell them "This is NOT the appropriate time to be asking such questions", and "my lawyer will contact you if you need to be involved". Whoever shows up and asks questions at the funeral or any other time, you might say "I can't answer that question right now, but I'll check with the lawyer, and HE he will call you." In other words, be very cool to them at the funeral, and lay it all on your lawyer to handle them when the time comes for the reading of the will. Tell them to make sure they leave their contact information in the guest book. Try not to blow your top. If they are persistient, ask them to leave or have the funeral director escort them out. You don't need them to like you, but they WILL respect you if you don't let them rattle you. Good luck with this. My prayers are with you.

I think she is getting close. And it hurts me to see my vibrant mom still and lifeless - when the time comes.
I'm alone with her. Thank God for all the wonderful staff at this awesome facility.
They are angels.