I have been my narcissistic mother’s soul support and caregiver for over 20 years. The relationship has always been difficult and she fights me on everything when she needs help because she has so much guilt about me doing so much. The last 2 years she has pushed me away more and more. She has had many injuries and health issues in the last year. With each event she allows me to help for two days and is very appreciative and then the criticism starts. I react, we fight, I walk away and she says “See! I knew you didn’t want to be here!” I’m blamed for everything because I react and get angry “for no reason.” I still try to help because I know she needs help, but for the last year she simply says no to any offer of help. But then lays on the guilt about how hard it is to do everything by herself.
I shared in a previous post about a family meeting we had to address her needs that went horribly. I have been no contact with my NM for a month since that meeting. I had extreme guilt over it but have finally moved into a space of knowing I did the right thing to save myself because I was on the verge of a total breakdown. Well my mom texted me Friday and asked if I would come over and talk. I asked what she wanted to talk about. She wanted to know what she did that was so terrible for me to treat her this way. So I sent her the audio I recorded of the family meeting hoping she would hear herself and see what she did to escalate and attack everyone else in the room when we were only trying to help her. Nope……she accused me of editing the audio because she knows I said things that were not on that recording and all it showed was my anger. She did nothing wrong. We all attacked her for no reason and the 4 people she told about it all said it was elder abuse and that she should contact an attorney. 🙄. I ignored the threats and said that I find it interesting that after a whole month she decided to contact me on my husbands birthday weekend and that I would not be addressing any of this until next week because he deserves a peaceful weekend. Of course that as ignored and she continued with the threats of abandonment and abuse and a long list of all of the things that are currently wrong with her. I ignored it.
I have done everything I can for my mom. I have given up so much of my life and have been in a constant state of fight or flight for years. This past month has been the most peace I have had in my life ever. And with one text my blood pressure rose, my heart was pounding and I was right back in that mode of dreading the fight I know I have ahead of me. She is in full panic mode right now and I know I’m going to have hell to pay. I’m going to give her one more chance. I’m going to sit down with her and try to remember all of the new knowledge I have gained recently about this disorder and try to get through to her that I will only discuss the future and she must voice her needs. We will set a schedule of when she needs help so that I can live my own life without constantly trying to anticipate her needs and read her mind. I have no delusions that this conversation will go any different than any other I’ve had with her. It will all be my fault. But just in case I can crack the shell, I’m wondering if anyone has any suggestions on what to cover about the future. I don’t currently have POA and I’m not really sure if I want it. But I do want a care plan from her as I will record the conversation for my own protection. Additional home help from an outside provider is not an option right now because there is no one available in our area through Medicaid. And neither of us can afford to pay out of pocket. So I’m all she has. But I will not live my life on her terms any longer.
I am very glad I did it because it confirmed so much for me and I walked away feeling peace. I can finally sleep tonight feeling much lighter from the weight I dropped back in her lap. It was never mine to carry. It’s time she had it back.
Expecting a different outcome, attitude or reaction from your mother is a little bit insane.
Step back and stop being Mama's amusement park. She's using you for entertainment when she gets bored.
Nothing has changed in 20years why do you think it will because you record a conversation.
Until you change you nothing good will happen.
Her care plan is up to her, not you, she is a toxic person, accept that and continue to go no contact.
Obviously, you have issues, possibly codependency, IDK, seek some therapy for your own wellbeing.
Time to put yourself first.
Life is too short to help people who turn our good intentions and efforts to be helpful against us.
You know what? She made out just fine. The social services folks are quite good at their jobs when there aren't "kids" trying to provide what parents don't see as "help".
How can your mother not be ready for assisted living if she needs so much help from you?
This is setting boundaries!
This is letting go of wishing/expecting others to change and BEING the change we need.
Good luck going forward. This will happen many times, over and over. Stay strong.
Make no mistake. These women feel no "guilt", only entitlement.
They want you to BEG to help them so they can say they never asked for help in the first place. It's all your fault bc YOU insisted on helping. And then did a rotten job AT helping to boot.
Check out this super helpful article on the 25 Signs of a Passive-aggressive Covert Narcissist:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
If you insist on helping her, it must be on your terms entirely. You don't sit down and set a schedule of her needs! She will be 100% wishy-washy so she can keep you guessing about what she needs and when she needs it. That's the goal. To call you daily with her needs. To "play it by ear" under the guise of "not tying you down" which ties you down 100% by sheer waiting alone. Nope. Mother, I will be available on Weds from 10 am to 1 (or whatever) pm and that's IT. I suggest you make a list of what you'd like help with otherwise I won't be available until the following Weds.
When the threats ensue, leave her presence and don't return calls till the next scheduled help date.
She will learn, in short order, you mean business. But you MUST BE CONSISTENT. Bc she is looking for YOU to crack so she can slither in again with her hideous behavior. Tell her by your actions ENOUGH ALREADY.
You can do it! Good luck! 😁
No...is a one word sentence
When saying No...you are not responsible for the reaction u get. (From Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud)
My mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.
When we forget to tell her something, like her mail order meds arrived while she was sleeping, she gets furious. She thinks the rest of us are being unreasonable because we’re treating her like a child (even though we simply forgot about the med delivery between juggling both her life and ours).
I’ve been feeling super guilty about just waiting for her to get worse (we know she is not going to get better). But your post nailed it for me. Our past history, going back even as far as my childhood is that I’m supposed to anticipate her needs, and practically beg her to accept help, because she doesn’t want to “put anyone out” even though what she really wants is for us to be at her beck and call.
Then if we failed to live up to her expectations she was sad, disappointed or angry that she was sick and no one cared for her, she was lonely and no one called or she needed help but no one offered. We were supposed to either read her mind or call her constantly to anticipate her needs. Most of this went on when she was a healthy adult with a home, husband, job and car. She has even stated that doing a kindness for someone is diminished if the person has to ask for it. That gets a little difficult when the recipient doesn’t even live in the same town and we don’t know what she needs.
THIS is why I’m so resentful. Every time she criticizes or complains now as we try our best to care for her, it presses all the old buttons.
Ive been through years of therapy and I understand where these feelings are coming from. I’ve also worked very hard to be more direct, asking her to let me know what she needs or expects, and no hinting around and then laying on the guilt when we don’t pick up on her hints.
I handle things better now because I am more direct and I don’t let her get away with going off on us for forgetting to tell her about a delivery, or “not waking her up”. This is another new responsibility we all have (including the paid caregivers) even though the doctor said it was normal at this stage of her disease for her to sleep 17 hours a day. I call her out on things now, but it doesn’t change her behavior. I know a lot of people here think I should walk away, but I’m not going to do that at the 11th hour of her life.
Missmypeace, I’m sorry I sort of hijacked your thread. You are doing the right thing by trying to address things now. With our parents the trajectory is is always older and needier. You still have a lot of good years ahead of you, and they may be without your Mom in the picture so much if she’s going to treat you that way. I’m just trying to hold on until the end (and hire even more help) because nothing is going to change my mom.
Is it wrong to just be waiting for a peaceful, painless end to come? I know, there is another whole thread about that..
I’m omw to meet my 20 y/o daughter for lunch. I guess the only truly meaningful thing I can do now is stop repeating the patterns of my mother and her mother before her. I never want my daughter (or son) to feel this way.
No, it is not wrong to wish a peaceful end to the situation. This is a huge responsibility and no one ever asked if we wanted it on our shoulders. Especially for so long. It just isn’t fair.
Your mother wants to rule her world, starting with you.
You want the relationship to follow your beliefs about good behavior on each side.
The only thing you can do on your own is to change your ‘beliefs about good behavior’ on YOUR side. You won’t change her. Actually, you don’t need to change your ‘beliefs’ about what would be best, but you need to acknowledge that it isn’t working. You’ve taken some steps already – well done!
At present a POA wouldn’t help at all. It can’t overrule what a legally competent person wants to do, and it sounds that your M is currently legally competent.
If you stop providing support, you say that “neither of us can afford to pay out of pocket. So I’m all she has”. That’s not right. She can sell assets. If you stop providing support, and she finds she can’t cope on her own, her option is to sell her house and go to AL. You don’t need to feel guilty about that. Other family members may not like it, but they can also consider coming up with other options.
So stop support and contacts that don’t work, and send her a couple of AL brochures.