Lack of emotion while caregiving. Anyone else experience this?

Cheryl, I have experienced this and I don't think it's lack of feeling. I think it's your self-protective instincts kicking in. If you don't feel then you won't hurt. Make sense?

I think if you go through enough hurt and heartache your mind and body have this resource that can stabilize you and keep you safe. It's like that flight or fight instinct. Somewhere in between maybe.

I felt like I was on auto pilot a lot when my mom was ill and dying. It wasn't that I didn't care. I just needed to be numb. Maybe that is what you are experiencing?

I think what you’re feeling is a combination of exhaustion and self preservation. There were a number of times I sort of emotionally removed myself when my dad was on home hospice, it wasn’t a conscious decision, more of a quiet need. I hope you’ll tell mom that an additional caregiver is required for you and dad to be able to continue, don’t accept her previous refusal to make you exhausted and burned out. I wish you all peace

I agree its self-preservation. You need to kind of harden yourself to get thru it.

Hello Cheryl.

I am terribly sorry that you are struggling with this. I recently lost my mom at the age of 95. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home. She had Parkinson’s disease. It’s excruciatingly difficult to watch a parent decline. We experience many different emotions.

Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling as you do. I loved my mom dearly but it was hard being the primary caregiver. Sometimes I felt resentment, then I felt horrible for feeling this way, because Mom didn’t get Parkinson’s disease on purpose to make our lives more difficult.

While I was growing up, mom didn’t complain excessively. She rarely cried, so when she did occasionally cry later in her life, I knew something was truly bothering her. She had deep faith and prayed daily. She wasn’t one to embellish or act like a drama queen. She went through a lot in her life. I admired her resilience.

Living with a brutal disease changed her after awhile. Naturally, it is a burden for a person to live with an incurable disease. Yes, she did complain some. It’s hard to listen to the same complaints over and over, even if we still have compassion for them. I used to wonder if at times if I was becoming immune to the situation, in order to cope.

We may have the best intentions when we start out on our caregiving journey, but I don’t think that we fully realize how hard it will become. I know that I didn’t. As much as we don’t wish to view our parents as being a burden to us, caregiving does becomes a hardship as time goes by.

Oh gosh, I can’t begin to tell you how awful it made me feel to feel some of the emotions that I felt. I now realize that they were perfectly normal emotions for me to experience. My mom understood that I felt the way I did and she absolutely hated imposing on my life.

I contributed to creating the atmosphere for her to become dependent on me. There were extenuating circumstances in my case that caused my feelings.

Mom lost her home in hurricane Katrina. She was instantly homeless and all I wanted to do was comfort her. It didn’t dawn on me to tell her that she could live with us temporarily. I believed that I wanted to care for her in our home until she died. She became accustomed to being dependent upon me.

Mom did tell me that if I ever needed to place her in a facility, to do so. I was so torn about how I felt. Eventually, I knew that I could no longer continue to care for mom. Mom lived with my brother and sister in law for awhile, and spent the last month of her life in a hospice house.

Do not feel bad about hiring additional help or placing your mom in a facility.

You are not a horrible, careless person. You are just tired and overwhelmed and dealing with your own struggles. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I take care of my husband who is in a wheelchair 24/7 and I am angry more times than I care to admit. Caregiving is so hard and we're all doing the best that we can. Please take good care of yourself too. Hugs.

Cheryl85,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Caregiving can be such a struggle, day after day after day. The involuntary numbing you feel is likely self-protection. The feelings will probably come back when your mind knows you can "take it." Many of us here have experienced the same thing or something very similar. No more guilt, Cheryl. You didn't cause this!

Oh, honey, you are doing far more than most of us could ever manage and if you hadn't just turned off your emotions about all of that you'd never make it through the day. Yes, it is part of the depression (and you have plenty to be depressed about) and it is part self-preservation. My grandmother always told me "You do what you have to do", meaning you can get through almost anything, but you don't have to enjoy it; sometimes you just have to slog through it. I slog through it every time I deal with my father (if I had to actually do personal care for him I'd be suicidal). When I visit him I go into auto-pilot mode.

If you read some other threads you'll find that some of us have reached the "won't they just die already" stage. I know I have. We joke about it at my house but it's really how I feel. You need to back-off some of the care taking duties and just hire the night-time care aids even if your mom objects. Sometimes it can't be her decision.

More than likely, you're experiencing Compassion Fatigue which is defined as
a condition characterized by emotional and physical exhaustion leading to a diminished ability to empathize or feel compassion for others, often described as the negative cost of caring. It is sometimes referred to as secondary traumatic stress.

Google it, and take the test online to see if you suffer from it vs. burnout; there is a big difference. Here is an article on the subject:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/compassion-fatigue

Here's a link to the Compassion Fatigue test for helpers:

https://www.michvma.org/resources/Documents/Prof.%20Competencies/2017%20Proceedings/figley%20self%20assessment%202.pdf

Please don't ever think of yourself as a horrible, careless person! We are all human and as such, have our breaking points, especially after care giving for years on end. Don't think of yourself as some being that should be able to handle all that's thrown at you without breaking down........that's not realistic or healthy. Nor is it realistic or healthy for you to be in such a position to be a personal caregiver to a mother who's been so sick for so long. A nursing home is staffed with teams of caregivers who work around the clock precisely so that one or two people don't have to suffer the tremendous burden that you and your father have been suffering. You're only two people doing the job of a large TEAM of people; so it's no wonder you're feeling this way.

Wishing you the best of luck in finding peace and joy for yourself amidst the duties you've taken on.

Long story short for the last 3 yrs I've taken care of my mil. she's incontinent in bed written I take care of her depends her colostomy bag but she has person comes in and bathes her and cleanse the house. She is a quadriplegic so everything you have to take care of yourself and you can't take care of her go to a movie go to the mall. Meditate if you have to some days I feel just like you I just want to quit but I know she needs me and that's what gets me through the day and she doesn't mean what she says and does appreciate it even if they don't tell you. Just remember the only do what you can do and that's it.

You probably are feeling burnt out with the caregiving schedule you and your dad have committed to. Lack of sleep can take a huge toll on you emotionally and physically. Also, caregiving of all needs without any respite days can also take a huge toll on you emotionally and physically. If you are taking medication to help smooth out your emotions for anxiety and/or depression, they can also tend to blunt your emotions.

May I suggest that you and your dad find a way to get other people involved in helping to care for your mom. The schedule you are both trying to keep is not sustainable for a long period of time. The goals of hospice are
1 - to help your mom to be comfortable for whatever time she has left on earth, and
2 - to allow family members and friends to have quality interactions with the loved one that is on hospice.
It seems that neither goal is being well met with only you and your dad as caregivers. Talk with her doctor about medications for pain and anxiety so she will be more accepting of more help.

God bless.

The way I see it, pain and sadness drain energy and there’s only so much gas in the car. If you need every ounce of gas to get from point A to point B, it makes perfect sense to conserve where you can get where you need to go.

If numbness prevents pain and sadness from robbing you of the energy you need to be loving and caring to your mom, that’s a good thing.

Cheryl, even a Lamborghini needs to fill up (not that I’ve had a Lamborghini but go with me on the car metaphor). Please find moments to take care of yourself - Life is easier when you’re not exhausted, you can’t help your mom when you’re running on empty and fatigue begets fatigue.

Sending a 🤗

Yes. Absolutely yes. I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years.
Before my last position ended, I literally had zero emotion of empathy for my client. I never slacked off on the physical work for a second. She was immaculate because I gave her a head-to-toe bed bath daily. Her hair was washed twice a week. I brushed her teeth, did her meds perfectly, and made sure she was fed very good food.
I totally neglected her emotionally. I just didn't care. I switched on the auto-pilot every day and got all the physical work done. I did it in silence though.
The same thing is happening now with my mother. In addition to a lifetime of gaslighting and verbal abuse, I've listened to her complain incessantly about all her health problems since I was a little kid. Until finally I got to the point now where I just walk away and feel nothing.
This is caregiver burnout and you have it. You and your father have to bring in outside help to give you a break. If your mother refuses it, don't give her any choice. It's either accept outside caregivers or it's not possible for her to remain at home.

I actually feel that many things contribute to our emotions when we are in the throes of caregiving. One thing that I found incredibly depressing during my caregiving days, was the lack of empathy from others for caregivers. Most of the people on this forum are great! It was wonderful to finally be heard and understood.

It’s horrible to be doing our very best, only to feel invisible or worse, to be criticized by others, because we aren’t all smiles. How in the world can frustrated, exhausted and isolated caregivers be chipper and cheer up those that we are caring for?

I am truly not trying to place blame on others that are innocent observers, or should I say, ignorant observers. They simply don’t know how tough it is to be a primary caregiver, but I absolutely feel that our opinion of caregivers must change. Caregivers deserve appreciation and respect for their hard work. Not that this takes away their burden, but it’s some comfort knowing that their efforts are recognized.

So, I would like to say as a former caregiver to all of the current caregivers, you have my support. I would also like to say to all who are being cared for by others, to please treat your caregivers well. It’s a two way street. No one likes to be taken for granted. Caregivers are amazing people. Everyone needs time to rest.

I do have empathy for those who need care. I would not have been a caregiver for so long if I hadn’t. People need to work together for the best outcome for everyone.

Yes, I have felt the same way! I have a caregiver for my mom almost 24/7 now. She was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer 6 wks ago and I haven’t shown any emotion up until a visit with my therapist 3 days ago. I have been in treatment for anxiety and depression for over 25 yrs now. I’m wondering if it’s from the medication I’m on or the length of time I’ve been taking care of her for dementia for the past 5 yrs?

I feel it is part of our coping mechanism. A way of protecting ourselves. After all, it is a heavy load to bare

You’re simply tired and it’s a normal response to feel the way you do. Stop the guilt and find some joy outside of caring for your parents. Self care is very important. I’m glad you are in therapy. Something is holding you back though. Talk more about this with your therapist and consider changing if you’re not showing improvement with your coping skills.
Remember, you count.
Read this poem on line. It’s helped many.
She Let Go-by Safire Rose

You’re not alone with this. I, too, often feel like I’m on autopilot. The exhaustion and numbness I have sounds like you, too. I don’t think you’re horrible at all. Just a tired and sad daughter. Hang in there. Remember, you’re not alone. Cindy

Your "lack of feeling" is your defense mechanism for coping with the despair and grief and anxiety of watching your mother decline. The emotions of care taking can easily become overwhelming.

Sometimes it helps to mentally take a step back and see your situation as part of the human journey. "This is what people have done since the beginning of humanity."

You are not a horrible person.

Sounds like you're doing the best you can.
If you are on any kind of depression meds, they can help you feel indifferent to your mom's condition. Also, maybe your feelings are your way of dealing with it.

I would install a camera in her bedroom so you can check on her whenever you wanted 24 7and I would hire Night Caregivers and sleep with ear plugs. Your mom will end up allowing the Caregivers if you explain to her that for you to be able to function and take care if her during the day, you need your sleep at night, then just stay out of your mom's room after saying hood night.

I use Nest Cameras fir my 97 yr old Dad that is living in his own house with 24 7 Caregivers

Acceptance. You're at the point she won't get better and is just going through the motions until she passes.

You aren't alone. I am feeling the same way. My dad has diabetes and hasn't walked in years. He depends on a scooter to get around and he doesn't eat what his doctors and the nutritionists at his retirement home are telling him to eat, so he doesn't end up in the hospital. He doesn't listen and so he he has in and out of the hospital over 40 times since 2019. I can't help but feel so much anger at him and resentment. Every time someone calls to tell me he is in the hospital, I don't rush to get there anymore. Also, when we are talking, he repeats himself over and over again and its the same story all of the time. I keep asking for the doctors to test him for dementia but no one has been able to really find a "good reason" why he should live in a nursing home yet. I am done with this and feel envious of all of the other families out there that I see who are as old as my dad and can still live great lives because they took care of themselves.

Are you taking medication for depression? Because this will make you feel numb.
In any case, it is hard to take care of someone else when you do not want to.
Why do you feel guilty for this? Do you have your own passions and dreams?
If so, go after them and you can still care for your mom while pursuing your own life. Stopping your life to help your mom, is not good for you or her. You need to feel happy and healthy. Taking care of someone else and ignoring yourself is not helpful in anyway. Live your life before you get old too and can't do anything but stay home.

My mom makes me feel this way, too. She lived her life already and I call her and take care of her when I see her. But I am not about to stop living to take care of her. I have too much inside of me; I want to explore, learn new things and my mom has to understand that. She is 83 and lives alone by choice. She is difficult and could not live with any of her children because of this.

I too am on auto-pilot. Been caregiving mom for 10 yrs. She’s in hospice now for end stage chf and now cancer. I am numb and wonder what I will be like when I no longer have to care for her. She’s always been dependent on me due to blindness and her hesitation to be social and make friends because of her blindness. Totally dependent on me for everything. Now medically dependent. She’s 95 yrs old. Declining slowly. I am not the same person.

Yes! I’m going through the same thing! I personally feel it is my brains way of protecting myself from overstimulation. I’ve been through years of watching Mom go downhill. I’m at the place where I’ve had to stay numb in order to be able to continue my work of caring for her. I can’t allow myself to emotionally fall to pieces. I love my Mother & watching her go from a vibrant young movie star beauty to this stage has definitely numbed my mind!

Yes. This is most likely a coping mechanism in your brain as you are taking responsibility for your mom’s needs. But please try to take of yourself and you dad as well.

At some point, your mom’s ability to refuse care can’t be her choice anymore. You and your dad should talk about that. The added caregivers are as much for your emotional health as it is for your mom.

Once I found someone I trusted to hire and come in, I simply told my wife that “Linda” is going to come and be here while I run to the store. Over time, my wife accepted Linda as a personal friend who sat and read to her, told her stories, talked, etc. You can move into using a caregiver slowly and gently. And you will see how it benefits everybody. You are not a bad person. These are new experiences that we have to walk through carefully. Good luck and God bless you.

I absolutely have! You're not a terrible person, but probably an overworked and overwhelmed one. I don't think we lack emotion, I just feel, in my case, that I am so busy sometimes doing the job of caretaking that the emotions just get in the way. Autopilot for sure. I feel them later on though, they come at the strangest times. Plus, there are so many emotions to deal with, sometimes the brain just needs to rest so it shuts itself down (again, just my opinion).
You sound like you can use a break. Is there any way to get live in help for a few days or maybe a week, so that you can take care of you?

Yes. Certainly. I believe it is very common AND is a defense mechanism to survive and to 'go on' as you need to do. People in shock feel numb.
* You and your dad need to agree that you need to hire caregivers PERIOD. Your mom needs them (and you/your dad). You have to make decisions that serve her best interest, and the health of you and your dad to 'keep going.' If you burn out, as it sounds like you have / getting there, you will not be able to care for her at all and need/rely on caregivers.
* Do what you need to do. Do not argue with your mom. Tell her you understand how she feels. Then hire people. You have to - to survive. Do not wait until you have a breakdown.
* Ask your healthcare provider about how you feel. Since you are on depression meds, hopefully you can get some medical professional support.
- I would also suggest you research / read Andrew Weil MD website or purchase his book(s). He is holistic/focus on preventative healthcare and an MD. Get his DVDs or CDs. He will help you understand what you need to do - and how to take care of yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters

YOU are suffering from not only burnout but the more severe form of caregiver apathy. Meaning you are in crisis mode and need to step back and regain your life. Of course with your mom is such dire straits it will be difficult but a night nurse or Hospice caregiver is needed. You could be headed towards a total breakdown. Or facing severe medical issues - heart health suffers with constant stress. I'm not trying to scare you but you need help NOW! Don't put it off.

Your post is verbatim to how I feel too. The job of being a caregiver is not easy and so overwhelming. Please know you are not alone, many like you feel exactly like you. Except we are not brave enough expose that side of ourselves. Thanks to your post I, too, have found comfort and useful advice. You are good source of inspiration.