How do you know when it's time not to let a senior live alone?

If she's already living with you, it won't be that big a change to have someone come in and stay with her when you're away, or perhaps take her to a senior center that provides "day care" (I hate that term for the elderly, it's very insulting and makes them sound like toddlers), so she'd be safe when you're going to be gone for hours at a time. The cost of a nursing home is astronomical, so state and local organizations are usually willing and able to help keep people at home, rather than have something go wrong that ends up putting your mom in a home of some kind (after a fall, for example). Check out what programs there are in your area that provide respite care for you, someone to spend time with her when you're away, etc... You didn't say if she'd be resistant to that (I know my mom will HIT THE ROOF when we tell her she's going to be getting help and going to "day care" a day or two every week - that's coming next week after the Dept of Aging comes out to meet her & assess her needs) - but if your mom is open to it, check into what you can do to prevent her being by herself for very long. It'll ease your mind, at the very least, and reduce the chances of a fall, an accident, her forgetting the stove or the iron is on, etc... all the things that CAN happen (not will, but can) and keep you both safe.

So sorry that you're having doubts and stress. NY Times article by Jane Brody yesterday 12 25 12 gives some good guidelines.

Ba8alou suggested this article, and I went and read it - it is a good one. According to the list of signs that a person can't live alone anymore, my mom really cannot. She's in her own apartment in my house, and I spend at least 3 - 5 hours a day with her, but she's still "independent" more than is appropriate, according to the list in the article. I'm even more relieved that the Dept of Aging is coming in to assess (then it's not evil me (as she sees me)) undermining her independence. Anyway, here's the article link:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/12/24/staying-independent-in-old-age-with-a-little-help/

Nobody is going to tell you this. Some doctors are better at this and some will tell you it is just your responsibility. First, how is her walking and getting around--falls are so common at this age. If they can get up by themselves then they will not tell anyone in fear of having to go someplace else. On her next doctor's visit, ask the doctor privately to tell you if there are any signs of falls. Also, dementia never gets better. That is already a sign to you. You can have her tested to check on the level of this also. Your biggest stress is probably the dementia when you are not home. It is difficult and I have dealt with it and my mom. The third issue is your anxiety and stress. Yes, that is a gut feeling that you must do something.
Start looking now at costs, possible care locations, paperwork, other, alternatives. You may NOT need it now but, like me, you could need it quite suddenly. Praying for you. Hope this helps just a little.

Laurie;; thanks for providing the link. For my mom, who does does not have dementia, the breaking point was last year when she was 88; in the course of one week, she had several attacks of overwhelming anxiety about relatively minor things...a small rise in blood pressure, an impending storm, a reaction to a new medication. Having taken off 4 days out fo 5 during the first week of the school year, I said "mom, this isn't working out for ME".

As I said, it wasn't any of the more substantial signs, falls, forgetfullness, etc that caused us to realize that mom could no longer live alone in her suburban home, once she couldn't drive. I was seeing how isolated and fearful she'd become about every small occurance, including what she was watching on the TV news. Everything got magnified. After a disastrous stay in an assisted living place where other family members were living (both too much and too little assistance) we did more research and she is now in a very nice Independent Living facility with onsite docs (including psychiatry for the anxiety) , exercise classes and the like. Watching her yesterday at Christmas with the family, I am struck by how much more "with it" and competant she looks this year as compared to last. Her balance is better, she is more assertive and less of an old lady than she was a year ago. Hope that you can successfully negotiate this change. Hugs and prayers all around.

Hello. If you have a gut feeling about leaving your 89 year old mother alone I would go with what that feeling is. Me personally just from what I have been going through and also cared for my Grandmother many years ago I know that anything can happen when they are up there in age, While your mother may be well to do many things you just never know when something may change in a second and she is not okay. This is not to scare you or anything. My parents are in there high 70's now and I see a definite change in their abilities as they age. Like I said if there is something in your gut and heart that is not sitting right with you I would go by your best instinct. Maybe you could get the advice of others say her doctors opinion or other family members on what they think. There are so many resources for you to utilize to have someone there when you are gone that may make you feel more at ease then leaving her alone. My best of everything to you. And your Mom.

Deep down it sounds like you already "know" she shouldn't be by herself for very long anymore. I would say a couple hours here & there during the day are fine, but I wouldn't leave her alone overnight, especially if she has dementia. It's just not worth the risk.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but if she forgets what her lifeline is for, you don't want her to be alone. Think of how you would feel if you arrived home from work to find she had fallen and hit her head.

I think you are doing great and I agree with Laura 1261 above that you may want to hire someone to come when you go out. Call your county and they can help set you up with program connections or if there is money just to hire out of pocket. I found my first caregiver helper in the local Christian newspaper. When money ran out assitance was given through govt. Although it's not free money, you and others can recieve a paycheck for your help. They help with a budget after an assessment. I have bought myself a handicapped van for the woman I care for who is in a wheelchair. Pray for everything from what to do and caregiver help and a vehicle so she can accompany you easier. A woman from church sold me her old handicapped van for exactly what I had in my savings a few years ago which was only $500.00. I had been saving for a sewing machine and it still wasn't enough for that. TBN network (Trinity Broadcasting Network) is a good spiritual connection for everyone. Speaking truth over her helps much especially over her mind that is what the devil tries to steal with dementia. See Joyce Meyer Book, "Battlefield of the Mind." My prayers are for and with you and your mom!

I would look into the Area of Aging and Disablities or any Elder care programs. They can assess and maybe get you qualified for some help. I get respite 20 hours a month according to my mom's income. But there are lots of government funded programs out there that we can resource. Just look for one. Or you could call a hospital, social worker that might be able to direct you to the right channels.