I've been told I'm not bending over backwards for my grandfather. How do I know what I'm not doing for him?

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Im a single mom of two, one child has anger and ADHD issues, we live with my disabled father ( heart) and am helping care for my 91 year old grandfather who lives on the same block. For years we tried spending nights ( taking turns) to care for him and now he finally has agreed. He is Blind, barely can walk, hard of hearing, Arthritis, Heart Disease with Pace Maker, at times gets Hallucinations( mainly when dehydrated) and has a few other issues. He had hired 2 girls to work 2/3 hours a day( one was 5 days the other two days) for help to Dr appt/ errands/light cleaning and breakfast. We still help lunch, dressing him if hes too week,medications, dinner, nights if need be, shopping , errands. The one girl quit who did 5 days so we took over the driving to appts and breakfast. We offered to do even little things like spraying around the house for bugs etc and he would ask the neighbors, tell neighbors we didnt feed him but he throws our food away or yells half the time when we try for whatever reason. Yes he pays our bills but I need a job to take over the bills. Yes we all argue at times and he kicks us out of his home!

We dont mind helping but he is not easy to get along with at times, great with other people but family .. we have to see everything the way he sees things or we get lectured non stop. My father is ripping his valves lifting him but again, we have been told we are not doing enough for him. We have to leave him alone at times because of appts we all have and my kids functions/drs.. my dad and grandfather are no speaking so its all up to me. My Aunt says Nursing Home if he wont hire someone back. Neighbor says it should be all my family and I and no one else.. ( wheres the rest of our family to help?) but is it so wrong if we have resources to convince my grandfather to have someone sit with him all day so I can work? Hes worried about money for us after he dies and wants to keep the money he'd pay someone to save in account for us. Nice thought but if I can look and find a job, wouldn't that be better? He says he wants me to get a job and my kids come first and my house but when I try its as if he panics or gets mad Im not there. Are we bad to want extra help? Yes Id rather do it all myself, hes family and I dont just trust anyone! But what are we not doing for him? Please advise me! Thank you!

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Thank you everyone, I see what you all are saying but he is still of sound mind and refuses a home. The neighbor and my grandfather haven't spoken in a long time!
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Me, the above posts are right on target. And it sounds inadvisable to have your dad doing lifting - this can be physically dangerous - the last thing he needs is a busted back, big-time trouble. As for the neighbor - did I get it that this is a man? Well, if so, just ask him how much personal caregiving he has been doing lately. I know some guys are great caregivers, but in my experience older, traditional men often don't have a clue.
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My thought was that you have one huge responsibility and that is to yourself and your children. I wouldn't let what is happening with your grandfather hamper your job search, because a job is what you need. Your grandfather has other people and enough money to take care of himself if he needs it. You need to make a living for yourself and kids, and start planning for your own retirement.
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Jewish Family Services has been a huge help to me: financial help, case manager for my own needs and for mom's, Patient Navigator program, job coach, and more.
Research online: there is so much help out there. Look up timebankusa.org Get helpers to maintain the house, do housework, companionship for your elder, drivers to doctor appointments and more without spending a penny.

Mom earned time dollars by doing what she still can do best: painting portraits. Then she met people who wanted to spend time with her.

We are only limited by our emotions if we let it be that way. I am trying to note my feelings and then go past them with solutions or acceptance. Just a green horn but I think I am growing wiser: if I am more peaceful, then I am doing something right. Right?
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I don't think you could do more than what you are already doing..already youre dad is finding it difficult lifting his father, you do need help brought in that is trained in lifting patients, and of course seeing to there needs.it appears youre grandad is attention seeking by saying what he does to the neighbours, he tells you he would like you to work, but in himself he is scared he wont see you so much, remind him health comes before wealth, and you would rather he spent the money on getting proper care for himself, as you want him to be around to see the kids grow up. just reassure him you will still visit,tell him the kids will be happy knowing you are working,ask him what his favourite line of work was? if he fails to compromise then yes, a nursing home is the solution, he will be safe, youre mind will be at rest.but remember you have a life too, you have kids, and also youre dad that needs looking after, I hope a solution is quickly found, but you need to stay healthy.you have done very well trying to cope with everyone. I wish you well finding work, all the best.
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Me: Some counties have special funding for single mothers for job training and career placement. See if yours does.
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pamstegman, I agree with you and I honestly have been out of work for way to long.. originally because of health issues with myself and son but I have been looking for a while, and now my grandfathers situation came up.
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Forget the money, it's just a carrot on a stick, a way to maintain control. Get a job now, because 'cared for family' does not look good on a resume.
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NancyH, thank you. Im trying to get my grandfather to understand that he needs to worry about him. Hopefully he will agree like your mother-in law did. Thanks for your suggestion.

Eyerishlass, thank you as well. I know I shouldn't listen to him but it makes it worse when the other neighbors take his side. Matter fact, him and my grandfather haven't spoken in a long time as well. We all agree he should have someone there all the time in case he gets up and falls for example. My aunt says if he doesn't agree to hire more care that she will try to put him in a nursing home. Most of the time he is of sound mind.. and the Drs mention he should have live in care but haven't pressed it with him.
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I would tell the neighbor to keep her nosy snout where it belongs--in her own business.

Of course you're not "bad" to want extra help. Everyone on here wants extra help. And I understand that you love your family and want to do what's best for them.

I feel that if it takes more than one family member, along with caregivers, to care for 1 person that person should probably be in a NH. I agree with your aunt.
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