Know any books or articles about boundaries for daughter in law?

Dear Toomuchforme,

You mentioned:
"At this point, I'm almost ready to leave my DH and move to another city. I am okay with coming back when FIL is ill. I will continue financial support."

Maybe with your therapist's help, you might want to reconsider financially supporting a plan that: 1) you are considering leaving your husband for a time; and 2) there is money for your Fil to pay his own way and get at least a housekeeper.

What you want is:
"I don't want FIL's money. I want my DH, I want my time now."

Something about you working two jobs, your Dh freelancing to take care of his
Father. Maybe Dh could move in with his Dad, who could "support him".

Instead of trying harder, or thinking there is something wrong with you because you feel resentment-stop trying so hard and be kind to yourself.

"FIL won't spend money for housecleaner and such. FIL says we'll get all this money when he is dead".

This is unfortunately an attitude that many use. Kind of a blackmail approach. People who are not willing to change - but expecting everyone else to.

People clinging to the notion they are still *independent*. Having family do things, they still consider this part of 'them'. If non-family were to help - shock horror STRANGERS or even worse horror having to PAY!! - this would mean breaking through some denial to accept they are now SEMI-independant. A change of status. A big chink in their King-like armour.

The way for FIL to lose his denial, to learn to accept this change of older age, to accept non-DH help is by... Drum roll here.. DH quits.

Once DH steps back a bit - FIL will be forced (after a tantrum or 10) to accept OTHER options for help.

This really does work but the hardest part is often the caregiver's own thoughts & feelings they cannot do that. That they do not have the power. Yet they do!!

If your DH is up to his eyes in this, deep in the F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt - Google this) he may well benefit from a good therapist to support his emotions & thinking to accomplish change. He has to WANT this.. I can read how much your want your spouse back.. how does he feel about it?

Regarding reading:
Another vote for Cloud & Townsend book: Boundaries.

I found info from Melodie Beattie, website & books on detaching with love strategies very useful too.

Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships

It deals with extended family relationships too.

This isn’t quite what you’ve asked for, so ignore if you want (which of course is always the case). You are the daughter-in-law, and you can probably work out the boundaries you can put in place for yourself. Your problem is more that DH, the son, can’t do his own boundaries.

Your own boundaries can include you not ‘spending time’ with your FIL, not ‘doing stuff’ like cleaning and food for FIL, and not being interested in listening to DH talk about him. You would prefer to spend the ‘saved’ time with DH, but you can find other things to do that you can enjoy.

This can have unexpected results. DH may find that taking it all over himself is not as enjoyable as sharing all those tasks with you. It may be harder work, and just not as companionable. If he suggests change (eg hiring a cleaner because you aren’t doing it any longer), and FIL won’t go along with it, he may get a bit less keen on being FIL’s sole support. At present you are propping up DH to prop up FIL, as well as propping up FIL yourself. DH has no sensible boundaries, and there are a lot of boundaries in there for you to find and discuss with him. DH needs to stand up to Daddy – why not? 'Stubborn' FIL shouldn't run his marriage.

It reads as though another ‘prop’ you are providing, is all the money. DH is spending time with FIL, and is ‘free-lancing’ as much and as little as he wants (which also means earning as much or as little as comes along). You are wearing yourself out with 2 jobs. You are even thinking of leaving and still financing the pair of them! ?????

You have a difficult FIL, sure, but the real boundaries you need to think about are with the support you provide to your husband, and the support he puts into your own relationship.

I hope that you can find good books that are comparable with your own situation. And you can always put ‘boundaries’ into this site’s search at the top of the screen. But you know your own situation best, and it might help to think about these comments. I hope so, Margaret

Article on Aging Care
Enter title in the search icon above...(the magnifying glass).

Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries With Difficult Elderly Parents
Carol Bradley Bursack, Minding Our Elders

Do you think FIL could possibly have BPD? If so I saw this article: Coping with a Borderline Parent | D'Amore Mental Health (damorementalhealth.com) and it had good information. I also bought a book called Surviving a Borderline Parent for my husband. He didn't read it but I did and it helped me to understand MIL and DH relationship. My DH is an only child, 56, MIL is 90 going on 91. She doesn't have health issues and her thoughts on her finances is she is leaving her son nothing because she doesn't want me to have any of her money.

Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud.

Read Atul Gwande "On Being Mortal; what matters in the end" and Roz Chast's "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?"