How to be kinder and less frustrated? - AgingCare.com

How to be kinder and less frustrated?

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I have read that it is helpful to say that "this is the disease" when my mom is not being so nice, but she is just an exaggeration of her former self, and the comments still hurt. I find myself angry again, and I thought I had gotten past that point. Albeit, I am in between antidepressants and I'm hopeful that this next one is going to kick in nicely. It has always been expected of me to be intelligent and do a good job at things, and I used to get angry that she is turning into something that seems like a "stupid" person, because she would never have accepted that from me. She is a very intelligent, and capable, and accomplished woman, and I would like very much to be able to see more of that when I hear her talking. I realize that this is kind of a jumbled message, and I know I can do better, but sometimes I just want to get something out, rather than waiting until it's perfect and having it be six months later. I guess, in a nutshell, can you get angry again and then come back out and be nice again when you thought you had gotten through those phases already? Thank you in advance!

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Also, I agree with Cwillie that planning better strategies to cope next time will help you. A caregiver support group helps you do just that.
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Actually taking the often recommended breaks and respite from caregiving can help get you to a less frustrated level. If it is in your nature to be nice, or even if you desire to be nice, all that is more possible after a break.

Changing your expectations of another also helps, imo. If you expect intelligence or something in return, you will become more and more disappointed and frustrated. Sorry that you are experiencing this, but you don't have to accept blame. Without arguing, just know that's not true, say it gently if you have to, then walk away. Go back later. I believe others have said this is a changing dynamic, not always for the better, but occasionally there are times of seeming small improvements.
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I have read that it is helpful to say that "this is the disease"...

It might be helpful to remember that, but in my opinion repeating it as a mantra would hardly be helpful when someone is behaving badly, it's hard to wish your anger away when someone is pushing your buttons.

Can you get angry and then get over it?
Lord I hope so. Just because we know our anger is misplaced and have decided to forgive doesn't turn us into saints, it just helps us to be more self aware and plan better strategies to cope the next time.
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I have read that it is helpful to say that "this is the disease" (mild dementia or something) when my mom is not being so nice, but she is just an exaggeration of her former self, and the comments still hurt. I find myself angry again, and I thought I had gotten past that point. Albeit, I am in between antidepressants and I'm hopeful that this next one is going to kick in nicely. It has always been expected of me to be intelligent and do a good job at things, and I used to get angry that she is turning into something that seems like a "stupid" person, because she would never have accepted that from me. She is a very intelligent, and capable, and accomplished woman, and I would like very much to be able to see more of that when I hear her talking. --added--She can be very condescending and accusatory, and if I'm frustrated or hurt by what she says, it's my fault in one capacity or another.-- I guess, in a nutshell, can you get angry again and then come back out and be nice again when you thought you had gotten through those phases already? Thank you in advance!
--added: @cwillie: we both get angry (verbally ONLY) and are both forgiving but I meant I am angry at this again. Thank you
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@babalou: I hadn't heard of MCI before, time for me to read, thx. Also, I am reposting the question with a couple other pieces of information.
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You wrote that "she is just an exaggeration of her former self". If that was her nature, it isn't going to change now. You've lived with it for years; reach deep into your problem solving and sympathetic abilities to recognize that her behavior is not only a continuation but an intensification, and that nothing is going to change it.

Best thing to do is find a way to adapt to it and not take it personally.
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Who's getting angry, you or your mom?

If it is your mom then dementia follows no logical progression, but there are good days and bad days.

If you are talking about yourself then welcome to the club. I KNOW my mom's brain is broken, I understand she can't help the things she does or the way she is, but I still get angry. The key is to find outlets for your anger, to find respite for yourself, and to forgive yourself when it all boils over anyway.
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Does your mom have dementia, or Mild Cognitive Impairment? If so, that "smart" person is gone.

My mother earned a bachelor's degree, Suma Cum Laude in Behavioral Sciences at a well know private college at the age of 82. Yet when i would take her to the drug store to buy a replacement for the cortisone cream she had run out of, she insisted she wanted the one that said "anti itch cream", because that was what the last label said. Even though this package that she was looking at contained no cortisone.

Her brain is broken. She has the reasoning ability of a 5 year old. Let it go.
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