Husband with vascular dementia, no walking or standing. Kids want assisted living but I'm having a hard time agreeing. Advice? - AgingCare.com

Husband with vascular dementia, no walking or standing. Kids want assisted living but I'm having a hard time agreeing. Advice?

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Married 57 yrs. This past year has really been rough trying to take care of him and get him to apts. We have long term care so financially I will be ok. It just seems like I am giving up on him. My health issues concern them.

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You are not giving up on him, my friend. You will be able to give him the attention he needs from you far longer if you have the help of ASL so that you can stay healthy and cared for yourself. It's as vital to him that you take care of yourself as his health is to you. I think your family loves you both and wants the best for both of you. Getting help from professionals is not giving up. It's a step toward more health and safety for both of you.

This change will be difficult, as any big change is. However, in the end, I think you'll be glad you made the change. Do remember that adjustment takes time too, so complaints are to be expected.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol
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Carol wrote exactly what I was thinking after I read your post.

You wouldn't be giving up on your husband by moving into ASL, you would be taking an opportunity to give yourself a rest while enjoying time with your husband knowing that assistance, if needed, is close by. The stress and pressure of caregiving day in and day out would be lifted and the time you spend with your husband would be all quality time as opposed to being a full-time caregiver.

It is a big decision to make and if you decide that going to ASL is the best option for the two of you moving will be difficult but it would only be a temporary stressor and once you are moved in I think you'll find that you made the right choice.

Your adult children sound very caring and attentive. I'm sure they worry about you and their dad. Don't move to make them happy but consider their suggestion.
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The critical factors to me are that your husband is unable to stand or walk. That's an indication that assistance is needed on a 24/7 basis, whether it's in a facility or at home with arranged care.

I also agree that you're not giving up; rather, you're refocusing, taking a different direction, and considerating a different level and type of help that will be more suited to his needs at this time and in the future.

You're displaying a problem solving and adaptive attitude, not one of surrender.

The only other alternative would be to arrange for constant support, which can be done. A friend of our family took care of her bedridden husband for 3 years during the last stages of AD, but she arranged for ample help to assist her.
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