My kids are afraid of my dad. I've been trying to get him into a nursing home for a year. What can I do? - AgingCare.com

My kids are afraid of my dad. I've been trying to get him into a nursing home for a year. What can I do?

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I'm trying to get my dad in a nursing home for the past year. Nursing home sent off Medicaid papers. Doctor filled out paperwork. But he's getting worse. I can't take care of him. I have 4 special needs kids. The doctor said nothing else can be done unless he ends up in hospital. My kids are afraid of him. It scares them. One goes for therapy because of it. What can I do?

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Here's some advise I received from a recently retired nurse. If you are desperate and you fear for your family's safety or mental health, take your dad to the hospital and leave him there. Or better, call 911 and tell them an elderly man is having chest pains. That will guarantee him a 3-day stay.

When they clear him for release, tell the social worker that there isn't a safe place for him to return home. No doubt in the 3 unquestioned days Medicare pays for, they will have noted his behavior. Tell the social worker he is Medicaid pending. And even if they try to pressure or guilt you, stand firm. He does not have a safe place to return home. The hospital social worker WILL expedite the paperwork and find a nursing home bed for your dad.

Ask for the nursing home of your choice, but realize they may not be able to place him there. BarbBrooklyn's advise was excellent; start researching other facilities you would find acceptable, at least on a temporary basis. Have a few acceptable options to give the social worker, but also realize that he may have to go to your 2nd or 3rd choice until he can be transferred where you want him. But he will be somewhere he can be cared for, and he will be safe while your family recovers. Good luck to you.
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There’s no way it should take a year to be approved for Medicaid. It sounds like the nursing home dropped the ball somewhere. Have you contacted their financial staff to see what the holdup is? When I personally applied for Medicaid, I was contacted by our county’s family and community services agency. Your state should also have a Medicaid hotline. You can find the # on the Internet. It would help if the NH would give you the case number. Tell Medicaid, the nursing home and the doctor what you are up against. There is no other family member who can take him?

You need to be extremely proactive about this, even to daily phone calls.
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TK Your children come first plus they are special needs. They should not be living in a home with an adult they are afraid of.
As suggested take him to the ER with whatever you can think of and refuse to take him home and leave. They won't dump him on your doorstep. They will however give you a hard time and may get quite agressive so be prepared for that.
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As a nurse, I've seen this happen. Patients, who are no longer tolerable in the family they live with, and where other avenues of care haven't worked out, can bring them to the ER (now called ED) for real or fictitious pain or ailments, then not be "able" to take them home. The burden of his care then rests on the hospital (actually the social worker). She can push through emergency housing for your dad through Medicare. Of course they don't WANT you to know about this option nor have you do it. Explain that your disabled children aren't safe with him in the house and you can NOT take him back. Tell them the Medicare application is already in the works. The one thing to remember is to REFUSE to take him back. They will be forcing you but stay strong for your children.
God bless you all.
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Are you attempting to get him into only one nursing home? It sounds like you need to cast a wider net.
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I agree that TK needs to research other facilities, but Medicaid is a government program, and THEY could be the ones holding up progress, right? If Medicaid has been filed correctly by the facility , it is up to that agency to approve or deny the application, not the NH.  If the application process has been screwed up by the facility, it doesn’t matter if TK does change facilities. The application is with Medicaid and not with the nursing home. 

The facility should also be keeping TK up to date on any communications between them and Medicaid, and if TK asks for information about the application, it should be provided immediately. If she has the application number, she should be able pull up the application and see what the status is.
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Not sure how the facility could do the filing. I went to Medicaid and had to have all kinds of forms. One being the house was up for sale. Once you apply and are approved, you have 60days to place them in a facility. With my Mom, she paid two months private pay and then went into Medicaid. I had a paper from Medicaid with what I still needed to provide. I agree, contact the facility and find out what happened to the application. The next time he is in the hospital or rehab have them evaluate him for longterm. Tell them you no longer can care for him. I think having 4 special needs children is a good excuse. One would be a good excuse. If he is becoming violent, this is a good reason to call an ambulance or the police.
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I am so sorry you are dealing with such a stressful situation. Have you gone back to the nursing home to ask for help? It seems they should be motivated to get your dad approved. If they are not cooperative, maybe look into another facility that is more helpful. Have you explored services that may be available in your county? Google can be your friend when looking for assistance. You can search for "elder services in Will County Illinois" for instance and see what comes up.
Best of luck,
Margaret
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Take him to the hospital and leave him there and do not go back and get him.
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Sorry to say...you have to be on top of everything. You can't leave it up to hoping someone is doing his job.
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